The Mental Health Thread

[Swango1980]

Opinions sought.

We have a guy in one of the local golf societies who has a volcanic temper. Towering rages and arguments - last week he exploded, mega exploded and flipped a table of drinks over because someone disagreed with him about the state of the greens. In terms of either friends or couples dropping him and his wife because of the frightening outbursts, there is a growing list. And every time someone drops him, or he drops them, he plays the victim card. His wife has a couple of friends she’s shared her concerns with, and it’s absolutely open mouthed shocking. I genuinely can’t paint the picture dark enough. As different (now) ex-friends spill their stories we see a litany of frightening situations.

Half jokingly, yesterday, I said I expect he’ll be on crime watch as an axe murderer. The reply gave me the shivers. He’d put his brother in hospital last November. I relayed the story to Mrs Hobbit, and she replied it was the 2nd time in 18 months.

On the one hand I feel the guy needs support/medical help. On the other hand I feel the guy is a real danger to those who are ever in his company. Do we use the next explosion to boot him out of the society, or do we try and manage him sympathetically. The consensus appears to be get rid before something catastrophic happens. His wife wants us to manage him sympathetically, just nod and carry on. I almost agree with her but, equally, I have very deep concerns for the safety of the society members.

Your thoughts would be most welcome…

I mean, wow. What can one do in that situation, with someone who has anger management issues. Seems he clearly needs treatment for it, if it is that bad. You could just drop him, for your own sakes, although that may well not cure his problem, might make it worse. If he is to stay on, it is almost like you need a strong character in your group, who has a bit of charisma, to just be straight with him. To almost take the mick out of him when he is out of line, so that he can acknowledge it without getting worse. Have some sort of penalty to all, so that if anyone acts with petulance, they get a fine and people are free to take the mick out of them after.

However......if he is the sort of guy who flips a table over after a discussion about the greens, and he beats his brother up, he really needs professional help I suspect, and the above will really have no bearing. What you should definitely not do is introduce him to Golf Monthly, and certainly not the LIV thread.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Opinions sought.

We have a guy in one of the local golf societies who has a volcanic temper. Towering rages and arguments - last week he exploded, mega exploded and flipped a table of drinks over because someone disagreed with him about the state of the greens. In terms of either friends or couples dropping him and his wife because of the frightening outbursts, there is a growing list. And every time someone drops him, or he drops them, he plays the victim card. His wife has a couple of friends she’s shared her concerns with, and it’s absolutely open mouthed shocking. I genuinely can’t paint the picture dark enough. As different (now) ex-friends spill their stories we see a litany of frightening situations.

Half jokingly, yesterday, I said I expect he’ll be on crime watch as an axe murderer. The reply gave me the shivers. He’d put his brother in hospital last November. I relayed the story to Mrs Hobbit, and she replied it was the 2nd time in 18 months.

On the one hand I feel the guy needs support/medical help. On the other hand I feel the guy is a real danger to those who are ever in his company. Do we use the next explosion to boot him out of the society, or do we try and manage him sympathetically. The consensus appears to be get rid before something catastrophic happens. His wife wants us to manage him sympathetically, just nod and carry on. I almost agree with her but, equally, I have very deep concerns for the safety of the society members.

Your thoughts would be most welcome…

If his wife is aware of the problem, has she advised that he is taking steps to do something about it or does she just cross her fingers? If she is just crossing her fingers then from a safety point of view, he needs to be dropped. If he is taking anger management, if he is on medication, then I would be slightly more sympathetic and accommodating. Even then..........as someone who avoids aggressive people or situations, some people thrive in that environment, I would not want to be around them. The person needs help and if they wont take that help then I'd get away from them, for your own sake and those around you.

I think there is a big difference between someone who can be a bit down, melancholy etc, who other people might want to avoid because of it and someone who is violent. Helping the former is doing a good deed, the latter is a whole different ball game.

 

[Piece]

Opinions sought.

We have a guy in one of the local golf societies who has a volcanic temper. Towering rages and arguments - last week he exploded, mega exploded and flipped a table of drinks over because someone disagreed with him about the state of the greens. In terms of either friends or couples dropping him and his wife because of the frightening outbursts, there is a growing list. And every time someone drops him, or he drops them, he plays the victim card. His wife has a couple of friends she’s shared her concerns with, and it’s absolutely open mouthed shocking. I genuinely can’t paint the picture dark enough. As different (now) ex-friends spill their stories we see a litany of frightening situations.

Half jokingly, yesterday, I said I expect he’ll be on crime watch as an axe murderer. The reply gave me the shivers. He’d put his brother in hospital last November. I relayed the story to Mrs Hobbit, and she replied it was the 2nd time in 18 months.

On the one hand I feel the guy needs support/medical help. On the other hand I feel the guy is a real danger to those who are ever in his company. Do we use the next explosion to boot him out of the society, or do we try and manage him sympathetically. The consensus appears to be get rid before something catastrophic happens. His wife wants us to manage him sympathetically, just nod and carry on. I almost agree with her but, equally, I have very deep concerns for the safety of the society members.

Your thoughts would be most welcome…

Safety first, always - drop him.

You can strongly suggest he/wife/etc. seeks medical help. If you want, leave the door open back in to him, only if he gets help AND shows major improvement.

 

[Billysboots]

Opinions sought.

We have a guy in one of the local golf societies who has a volcanic temper. Towering rages and arguments - last week he exploded, mega exploded and flipped a table of drinks over because someone disagreed with him about the state of the greens. In terms of either friends or couples dropping him and his wife because of the frightening outbursts, there is a growing list. And every time someone drops him, or he drops them, he plays the victim card. His wife has a couple of friends she’s shared her concerns with, and it’s absolutely open mouthed shocking. I genuinely can’t paint the picture dark enough. As different (now) ex-friends spill their stories we see a litany of frightening situations.

Half jokingly, yesterday, I said I expect he’ll be on crime watch as an axe murderer. The reply gave me the shivers. He’d put his brother in hospital last November. I relayed the story to Mrs Hobbit, and she replied it was the 2nd time in 18 months.

On the one hand I feel the guy needs support/medical help. On the other hand I feel the guy is a real danger to those who are ever in his company. Do we use the next explosion to boot him out of the society, or do we try and manage him sympathetically. The consensus appears to be get rid before something catastrophic happens. His wife wants us to manage him sympathetically, just nod and carry on. I almost agree with her but, equally, I have very deep concerns for the safety of the society members.

Your thoughts would be most welcome…

You have to think of the rest of the society. There’s nothing worse than having a golfer in your midst who has everyone treading on eggshells, on and off the course. It makes for a very unpleasant experience for all concerned.

I’m afraid my advice would be to get a small deputation together and sit down with this fella. If he’s an otherwise decent sort simply say that, as much as he’s an otherwise welcome member of the society, his behaviour is impacting on the enjoyment of others and cannot continue.

If you say that you are worried about him, and suggest he’s more than welcome to return when he is able to moderate his outbursts, then if he’s someone worth having as a society member he’ll go away and sort himself out, with or without third party help. If he throws it all back in your face with another outburst despite you airing your very real concerns about him, I’m not sure he’s worth having around.

We have a guy in our group who struggles with his physical and mental health. We have tried so hard to support him it’s unbelievable, and I have manipulated draws in the past to make sure he plays with me, as others cannot cope with him. He doesn’t have temper tantrums but his demeanour can be truly awful to the point where four hours in his company can be a nightmare. This has gone on for years.

Some months ago he ruined a society day out with his appalling behaviour, so we decided enough was enough. A couple of us got together with him and his wife and told him that, whilst we would always be there to support him, that support could no longer extend to allowing him to be a totally destructive influence on the wider group. We asked him to take time out.

He did, he sorted himself out, and he’s back now in a much better place. Throughout his absence I continued to play golf and socialise with him, as did others - he just wasn’t included in society gatherings. I’m afraid there really are times when you need to act for the greater good.

 

[GB72]

I am no expert in this but I would approach him as a group (sending one person leaves them more open to personal risk) and simply say that you all do this for fun and the agressive outburst are meaning that it is no longer fun for most of the group. As such, he needs to take a break from the society and that he would be welcome back when he is willing, able and in the right place to talk about it and to start doing something about it. That moves him on but leaves the door open if he wants to come back for help and support.

 

[GB72]

You have to think of the rest of the society. There’s nothing worse than having a golfer in your midst who has everyone treading on eggshells, on and off the course. It makes for a very unpleasant experience for all concerned.

I’m afraid my advice would be to get a small deputation together and sit down with this fella. If he’s an otherwise decent sort simply say that, as much as he’s an otherwise welcome member of the society, his behaviour is impacting on the enjoyment of others and cannot continue.

If you say that you are worried about him, and suggest he’s more than welcome to return when he is able to moderate his outbursts, then if he’s someone worth having as a society member he’ll go away and sort himself out, with or without third party help. If he throws it all back in your face with another outburst despite you airing your very real concerns about him, I’m not sure he’s worth having around.

We have a guy in our group who struggles with his physical and mental health. We have tried so hard to support him it’s unbelievable, and I have manipulated draws in the past to make sure he plays with me, as others cannot cope with him. He doesn’t have temper tantrums but his demeanour can be truly awful to the point where four hours in his company can be a nightmare. This has gone on for years.

Some months ago he ruined a society day out with his appalling behaviour, so we decided enough was enough. A couple of us got together with him and his wife and told him that, whilst we would always be there to support him, that support could no longer extend to allowing him to be a totally destructive influence on the wider group. We asked him to take time out.

He did, he sorted himself out, and he’s back now in a much better place. Throughout his absence I continued to play golf and socialise with him, as did others - he just wasn’t included in society gatherings. I’m afraid there really are times when you need to act for the greater good.

Looks like we think along the same lines on this

 

[RichA]

Opinions sought.

We have a guy in one of the local golf societies who has a volcanic temper. Towering rages and arguments - last week he exploded, mega exploded and flipped a table of drinks over because someone disagreed with him about the state of the greens. In terms of either friends or couples dropping him and his wife because of the frightening outbursts, there is a growing list. And every time someone drops him, or he drops them, he plays the victim card. His wife has a couple of friends she’s shared her concerns with, and it’s absolutely open mouthed shocking. I genuinely can’t paint the picture dark enough. As different (now) ex-friends spill their stories we see a litany of frightening situations.

Half jokingly, yesterday, I said I expect he’ll be on crime watch as an axe murderer. The reply gave me the shivers. He’d put his brother in hospital last November. I relayed the story to Mrs Hobbit, and she replied it was the 2nd time in 18 months.

On the one hand I feel the guy needs support/medical help. On the other hand I feel the guy is a real danger to those who are ever in his company. Do we use the next explosion to boot him out of the society, or do we try and manage him sympathetically. The consensus appears to be get rid before something catastrophic happens. His wife wants us to manage him sympathetically, just nod and carry on. I almost agree with her but, equally, I have very deep concerns for the safety of the society members.

Your thoughts would be most welcome…

Sounds like a bully with anger management problems who needs a professional intervention - be it legal or psychiatric. He's got used to being unchallenged. Next time he assaults somebody or damages their property, they need to bite the bullet, get law enforcement involved and be prepared to see it through.

 

[PhilTheFragger]

I’d be concerned for the welfare of his wife if he’s such a powder keg

 

[Scoobiesnax]

I’d be concerned for the welfare of his wife if he’s such a powder keg

100% this - if you do ditch him from the society and he invariably spends more time with his wife; I'd definitely worry for her wellbeing too.

 

[Hobbit]

Many thanks for all the replies. In short, he was sectioned a number of years ago. I feel he is out in society when with a better system he should be somewhere being treated. Care in the community at its worst.

With ref to the comment about his wife, I am aware of issues around abuse in the past and also neglect. She (allegedly) fell May last year and broke both arms. Severe bruising to to her face and legs. Maybe she did fall but he refused to take her to a single hospital/physio appointment through the 20 weeks she was incapacitated. The year before it was a broken ankle, and the year before it was a broken wrist. And there’s a lot more I could add, including she has to make a video call to him to show him where she is and who she is with.

The organiser is meeting with him this evening, and with support, to give him a final warning.

 

[Swango1980]

Many thanks for all the replies. In short, he was sectioned a number of years ago. I feel he is out in society when with a better system he should be somewhere being treated. Care in the community at its worst.

With ref to the comment about his wife, I am aware of issues around abuse in the past and also neglect. She (allegedly) fell May last year and broke both arms. Severe bruising to to her face and legs. Maybe she did fall but he refused to take her to a single hospital/physio appointment through the 20 weeks she was incapacitated. The year before it was a broken ankle, and the year before it was a broken wrist. And there’s a lot more I could add, including she has to make a video call to him to show him where she is and who she is with.

The organiser is meeting with him this evening, and with support, to give him a final warning.

It just gets worse. If he does something truly terrible, at what point do people say "the signs were there, I wish things were done sooner". You are right, what can actually be done without a direct accusation of abuse? I'm not sure any of us who stumble on this thread would be truly qualified to know? Maybe there are people qualified somewhere in this forum, or experienced similar things. But may never find it unless there was a specific thread with a clear title.

 

[Marshy77]

Sounds very similar to a lad I used to play football with. Played in the same team for 4/5 years and was edgy at times, just on the edge that made you take a step back.

In my final season of playing our manager left so the more senior players took charge for a few games. Leading up he was different, distant but nervy. Turns out he had always been on tablets to keep his mental health under control but decided he was in a good place so stopped talking them. It was like having Mike Tyson upfront! We needed to sub him and asked him to come off and I was convinced I was getting filled in. And I nearly did. If it wasn't for the lads helping I would have had my head kicked in. He was banned from the team and the following week was sectioned. In that week he sent me alsorts of messages but years later I saw him and he apologized and explained what happened.

Sounds a very similar situation. Just hope he can get some sort of help before another person is injured!

I hate confrontation so really don't like being in situations like this. Hope he gets some help.

 

[SocketRocket]

It sounds like this guy has some serious mental health issues that are being expressed through anger and violence. It's difficult to know what's the best way of of dealing with his behaviour, it could be his anger is due to things going on in his life, real or perceived that are creating stress, it could be that he has a physical condition creating his mood changes.

I think the current plan of having a talk with him to explain concerns about his behaviour and to see if anything can be done to help him improve is the best right now. If it seems there's nothing that can be resolved at this stage he would need removing for the safety of the members. It is a concern that his wife is safe living with him, I really hope she is not being abused.

 

[srixon 1]

Anyone else suffer from health anxiety? Worrying you may have something life threatening? A disease, terminal illness, worrying something is wrong with you health wise?

I used to fear that I would get cancer and be dead within a year. Then in 2017 I was diagnosed with DLBCL (an aggressive lymphoma), but 6 years later and I am cancer free and my mindset is completely different. Cancer might still get me in the end, or something else will but I don’t worry about it anymore. I just enjoy the fact that I am still here and love each day as it comes with my family.

 

[IanM]

Anyone else suffer from health anxiety? Worrying you may have something life threatening? A disease, terminal illness, worrying something is wrong with you health wise?

Only in so far a my dad died about the age I am now. (59) Neither grandfather lived 5 years beyond. This worries me, although they all smoked and had tougher lives that I.

Can't say I've worried about specific illness, but I've become very aware of my own mortality recently. It's a sobering thought.

On the plus side, it helps make decisions!

 

[SocketRocket]

Only in so far a my dad died about the age I am now. (59) Neither grandfather lived 5 years beyond. This worries me, although they all smoked and had tougher lives that I.

Can't say I've worried about specific illness, but I've become very aware of my own mortality recently. It's a sobering thought.

On the plus side, it helps make decisions!

I think it's quite normal to live beyond your parents. I've outlived my father by 26 years now and he died at 59. My Father smoked heavely and had a hard time through WW2.

 

[Billysboots]

I used to fear that I would get cancer and be dead within a year. Then in 2017 I was diagnosed with DLBCL (an aggressive lymphoma), but 6 years later and I am cancer free and my mindset is completely different. Cancer might still get me in the end, or something else will but I don’t worry about it anymore. I just enjoy the fact that I am still here and love each day as it comes with my family.

You could be me!

I lost my father to cancer when I was 6 and he was 34. From that day on I always expected to die young. It was just how I was wired as a result of his passing.

When I reached 35 it was a bit of a personal milestone, and although I had become less aware of my own mortality by then, I still didn’t expect to live until retirement age.

Then, having retired at 54, it all started to go belly up in a big way. Diagnosed with prostate cancer within six weeks of retirement, that appears to have been caught early and swift treatment means I am in remission. Once that was sorted I had one or two other issues, and as a result of all that I am now of a totally different mindset.

I have a far more relaxed approach to things now. Crap golf shots don’t matter any more. I do get irritated when others behave in a boorish manner on the course when they’re not playing well, but I can’t help that. I have a different perspective on things.

I, too, am realistic. I still think my brushes with cancer are not all behind me but, such has been the fabulous treatment I have received courtesy of our wonderful NHS I no longer fret. They’ll sort me out. And if they can’t it simply wasn’t meant to be.

Enjoy life to the maximum. After all, none of us live for ever.

 

[srixon 1]

You could be me!

I lost my father to cancer when I was 6 and he was 34. From that day on I always expected to die young. It was just how I was wired as a result of his passing.

When I reached 35 it was a bit of a personal milestone, and although I had become less aware of my own mortality by then, I still didn’t expect to live until retirement age.

Then, having retired at 54, it all started to go belly up in a big way. Diagnosed with prostate cancer within six weeks of retirement, that appears to have been caught early and swift treatment means I am in remission. Once that was sorted I had one or two other issues, and as a result of all that I am now of a totally different mindset.

I have a far more relaxed approach to things now. Crap golf shots don’t matter any more. I do get irritated when others behave in a boorish manner on the course when they’re not playing well, but I can’t help that. I have a different perspective on things.

I, too, am realistic. I still think my brushes with cancer are not all behind me but, such has been the fabulous treatment I have received courtesy of our wonderful NHS I no longer fret. They’ll sort me out. And if they can’t it simply wasn’t meant to be.

Enjoy life to the maximum. After all, none of us live for ever.

So sorry to hear that you were so young when you lost your dad.
Just as I was getting the all clear after three years, in 2020 my old scratch team 4somes partner phoned me out of the blue. He was phoning for advice/info as the back pain he had been suffering with for months was eventually diagnosed as exactly the same type of lymphoma that I had had. He wanted to know what the treatment would be like and how it might affect him. Long story short, two years later none of the treatments were successful and sadly he died about this time last year. He was only in his mid 30’s. His son is about 7/8 now and had just started to have golf lessons before his dad was diagnosed. Absolutely breaks my heart that he didn’t make it and I’m still here

 

[Billysboots]

So sorry to hear that you were so young when you lost your dad.
Just as I was getting the all clear after three years, in 2020 my old scratch team 4somes partner phoned me out of the blue. He was phoning for advice/info as the back pain he had been suffering with for months was eventually diagnosed as exactly the same type of lymphoma that I had had. He wanted to know what the treatment would be like and how it might affect him. Long story short, two years later none of the treatments were successful and sadly he died about this time last year. He was only in his mid 30’s. His son is about 7/8 now and had just started to have golf lessons before his dad was diagnosed. Absolutely breaks my heart that he didn’t make it and I’m still here

I was going to hit the “like” button but it didn’t seem appropriate. But thank you for your kind words.

Life is certainly very cruel. What I will say is that your friend’s son will come through his loss. It’s remarkable how resilient young children can be.

And I dealt with a lot of so-called survivor guilt over the years in the cops. It’s very real and should not be underestimated. So sorry that your friend passed at such a young age.

 

[Hobbit]

So sorry to hear that you were so young when you lost your dad.
Just as I was getting the all clear after three years, in 2020 my old scratch team 4somes partner phoned me out of the blue. He was phoning for advice/info as the back pain he had been suffering with for months was eventually diagnosed as exactly the same type of lymphoma that I had had. He wanted to know what the treatment would be like and how it might affect him. Long story short, two years later none of the treatments were successful and sadly he died about this time last year. He was only in his mid 30’s. His son is about 7/8 now and had just started to have golf lessons before his dad was diagnosed. Absolutely breaks my heart that he didn’t make it and I’m still here

Survivor guilt. I went through my diagnosis and treatment at the same time as a good friend. I’m still here, she’s not. She was 40, I Was 62 when she died. One part of me thinks it should have been the other way round, whilst I accept it’s just how the cards fall.