GB72
Money List Winner
This is one area I am OK with as I have now been through no end of recessions, a credit crunch and near banking collapse and a pandemic and, yes I do worry, but there is always an end to the tunnel after a period of hardship.
The Mental Health Thread
- Thread starter DanFST
- Start date
This is one area I am OK with as I have now been through no end of recessions, a credit crunch and near banking collapse and a pandemic and, yes I do worry, but there is always an end to the tunnel after a period of hardship.
Robster59
Tour Rookie
Worry doesn't go away. I am still working but expect to retire in a 2-3 years time and the worry about having enough money to live on, so I've been dealing with my IFA to go through what I have in terms, but it has caused me a few sleepless nights at times.
My children, both in their early 30's have only recently (last 2-3 years) bought houses so I have been asking them about their mortgages. As it happens they took up 5 year fixed rate with still 2-3 years still to go on them but I worry about them as well.
My partner is a habitual worrier. Worrying about the worst things that could happen, even if it's not likely. I try to get her to look at it with some perspective but she doesn't sleep well, and consequently, I worry about her.
PJ87
Journeyman Pro
What counts as middle aged these days? (I'm 36) I do worry about the future and I have a tendency to over worry and set up fail safes in my finances to make sure the family are ok. (Which is why the solar panels went up to spend £150 a month on them and not giving it to the energy companies, once paid off it lowers the bills ofc)
I read somewhere that average age of first time buyer is 28 now so people under 45 won't have experienced these type of rates before
We are fortunate that I've been overpaying from the start so could knock that on the head to cushion the blow a bit. Then in 9 years the solar mortgage clears itself so that's £150 back in the pot per month aswell. Should cover all the increase
Part of my little worries got me to fix for 10 years in 2018 (people said I was mad to do so) so least I got 6 years for these to level off a bit but I'm planning for 5% in the predicted budgets to make sure right you need to afford this.
Car returns in 2025 to the lease. I plan to outright buy one or least low loan so it's paid off by 2028 as to make sure my family don't lose their home.
I do seem to be constantly update my 10 year plan to make sure what's affordable and not.
So long as we have a roof over our head, and the girls are happy and healthy then I'm good
Mudball
Assistant Pro
There are days, that I fear everyone will know that I 'actually' dont know anything.. What happens when they find out (will they turn me into pulp to feed the AI monster).
I think they call it imposter syndrome.
I think they call it imposter syndrome.
Mudball
Assistant Pro
Watching Ben Stokes documentary on Prime… a good reminder for those on this thread..
D
Deleted member 29109
Guest
I do. We’ve already had a dramatic fall in monthly income last year. However are still fairly comfortable. The wife spends money like there is an endless supply and doesn’t worry about what is potentially coming.
My current job isn’t exactly essential to the running of the company I work for and would probably be one of the first to go if there was a serious downturn.
We’ve got 3 years left on our fixed rate mortgage. One car with 8 payments left and no other loans or debts. There is quite a bit we could cut back on if needed.
But it still worries me.
Tashyboy
Please don’t ask to see my tatts 👍
It tough giving advice on mental health. Predominately because we are not walking in there shoes. But hopefully folk do see there is light at the
end of the tunnel. Trouble is some folk struggle to open their eyes in the tunnel so cannot see the light.
Having worked in the mining industry it was a weekly thing worrying about your job. Sept 92 I sat at the top of the green with my head in my hands thinking wtf have I done. in March that year I had just took in a £35K mortgage and the rate went up to 12%. Black Wednesday it was called. I had moved job/Pits in the July.
Suffice to say “ me head was a shed”.
What has life taught me.
Bottom line, I like Pauljames 87s train of thought. You are in it for the long haul. His planning is long term, solar panels, mortgage, car. Etc. It has to be. It’s not always going to be sunny.
However I see young folk that spend like it is going out of fashion. Spending habits have to change.
EG, back in the “Olden days”. You went out with £30. That’s what you spent. Now everything is pay by card or phone. Tap tap tap. Folk don’t know what they have spent. That night or the following morning it’s “ how much have I spent”. It all adds up.
You can guide folk and talk to folk but simetumes
They have to work it out themselves. Not talking about it is the worst thing possible.
end of the tunnel. Trouble is some folk struggle to open their eyes in the tunnel so cannot see the light.
Having worked in the mining industry it was a weekly thing worrying about your job. Sept 92 I sat at the top of the green with my head in my hands thinking wtf have I done. in March that year I had just took in a £35K mortgage and the rate went up to 12%. Black Wednesday it was called. I had moved job/Pits in the July.
Suffice to say “ me head was a shed”.
What has life taught me.
Bottom line, I like Pauljames 87s train of thought. You are in it for the long haul. His planning is long term, solar panels, mortgage, car. Etc. It has to be. It’s not always going to be sunny.
However I see young folk that spend like it is going out of fashion. Spending habits have to change.
EG, back in the “Olden days”. You went out with £30. That’s what you spent. Now everything is pay by card or phone. Tap tap tap. Folk don’t know what they have spent. That night or the following morning it’s “ how much have I spent”. It all adds up.
You can guide folk and talk to folk but simetumes
They have to work it out themselves. Not talking about it is the worst thing possible.
PJ87
Journeyman Pro
I like that my wife is very much in the moment, don't get me wrong having the twins has changed her to be more planning for them
But for example we actually going away for the night for our anniversary this year. First time since twins born as she ready to leave them
She just told me where she wanted to go and my planning skills were set to make it happen
Sometimes living in the moment is wonderful, so long as you don't put yourself in a position that will screw you over.
For example my Corsa is a 4 year lease. The guy was pushing 3 year for same monthly costs .. he couldn't get why I wanted 4. Don't get me wrong I can't wait to move it on and get a better one now I proved EV suits me .. but I knew January 24 I wouldnt be in position to buy a new one but Jan 25 I should be.
There will be light at the end of this one day. Just got to keep treading that water best you can.
Energy bills are coming down aswell. Just fixed the gas for a year at 7.56p a kw , could gamble they will go slightly lower but I'd rather just know for a year
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Felt this deserved to be in here
hairball_89
Club Champion
I feel a bit stupid sticking this here, but the “screaming into the void” aspect seems to fit.
Both my wife and I have decent jobs we enjoy and pay the bills. We’re serious about kids and a bigger house to accommodate such small human(s).
In the last month or so, we’ve started IVF, our house sale that looked nailed on to complete end of summer now looks likely to fall through this week and my brother in law has just been taken into ICU.
The turn around from “things are going where we want them, progress is slow but…” to “well everything is broken” (to put it politely) is fast. And hard. I’ve found myself not wanting to talk to my closest friends about it. Their excitement and hope for what might be just makes it all worse, all while I feel like a hypocrite for pushing the fact men need to talk about their mental health more.
Hopefully the void has been suitably screamed at…
Both my wife and I have decent jobs we enjoy and pay the bills. We’re serious about kids and a bigger house to accommodate such small human(s).
In the last month or so, we’ve started IVF, our house sale that looked nailed on to complete end of summer now looks likely to fall through this week and my brother in law has just been taken into ICU.
The turn around from “things are going where we want them, progress is slow but…” to “well everything is broken” (to put it politely) is fast. And hard. I’ve found myself not wanting to talk to my closest friends about it. Their excitement and hope for what might be just makes it all worse, all while I feel like a hypocrite for pushing the fact men need to talk about their mental health more.
Hopefully the void has been suitably screamed at…
Tashyboy
Please don’t ask to see my tatts 👍
If I was to put it into order of priority, family is always first second and third. Hopes and wishes for your brother. IVF will sort itself out. Re the house sale. For me, does it come under the banner things happen for a reason. It’s crap, but no one knows what will happen tomorrow. What you have not mentioned is your wife. She is going through exactly the same as you. Keep her close and bounce thoughts of one another. Don’t fall out with one another. The fog that you are now in will clear.
All the best me man.
Marshy77
Journeyman Pro
You've done exactly what you're pushing, be it into the void on here. Tash breaks it down really well for me. Support your wife, look after yourself and take it from there.
PaulMdj
Well-known member
We all need a good scream at times, all of us, hopefully we all find that place to do it. Good on you for finding it here.
I truly believe we all need to be selfish and insular at times about our own lives, we take a step back in the calmer moments and add a bit of perspective.
I absolutely detest the saying, “there’s always someone worse off” no there isn’t, not in your moment, in that moment your life and your loved ones are the most important, have your scream, give the wife a hug and please talk to her, she might need to scream as well.
Sorry to hear about your brother-in-law, fingers crossed the IVF goes well and good luck on the house hunting.
C7usk
Active member
Sorry to read that things have went a bit pear shaped.. Life can certainly be hard at times.
I hope for better things for your BIL..
All the best to you and your wife with the IVF... It's a tough road to go down.. Much harder for the female than the male in my experience.. It's certainly a bit of the proverbial emotional roller coaster...
Orikoru
Tour Winner
Lately I'm finding anxiety affecting my every day life more and more. My wife has been going on about a family holiday with our little one for months, and I kept putting her off because the idea just fills me with dread. All I can think about is our toddler being a nightmare on the plane, and a whole 5 days of trying to keep her occupied and entertained, with no time to relax for ourselves. Then I feel like a freak because what sort of person doesn't enjoy or look forward to holidays with their family? Then the idea of trying to find cover for my job for 4 days makes it worse - arranging cover is weird at my company, you kind of have to find someone to do it yourself, there's not really a proper resource. So now I'm panicking about my processes being easy to understand for someone coming in, and whether the person covering is going to be competent or mess everything up.
In addition, I've been asked to do something at work that isn't in my normal remit, and my brain is spiralling. Can I tell him it's not my job without looking bad? If I do it, is it the start of a slippery slope where he'll continue to ask me to do more things outside my scope? I just like to sit quietly at my desk and get on with my day-to-day things, this is something that takes me out of my comfort zone. And I hate that. I don't know if a symptom of autism (that I've mentioned before I suspect I have a mild form), but something like this just fills every fibre of my body with this anxiety, it's like a cross between stubborn rage and a nauseous feeling. It's not nice at all. I even get it over minor things like somebody asking for a phone call when I've already explained things perfectly over email.
Why am I like this? Is it getting worse with age, or is it something that worsens when you become a parent? It's very, very unhelpful. I think it's one of the reasons I love golf, because of all the emotions it gives me - happiness, disappointment, satisfaction, annoyance - anxiety is never one of them. I never used to feel stressed because most things I honestly don't care about; but this anxiety is different to stress I think. It feels irrational and over-the-top.
The only plus side of the second issue is that it's made me commit to the holiday just to get away!
In addition, I've been asked to do something at work that isn't in my normal remit, and my brain is spiralling. Can I tell him it's not my job without looking bad? If I do it, is it the start of a slippery slope where he'll continue to ask me to do more things outside my scope? I just like to sit quietly at my desk and get on with my day-to-day things, this is something that takes me out of my comfort zone. And I hate that. I don't know if a symptom of autism (that I've mentioned before I suspect I have a mild form), but something like this just fills every fibre of my body with this anxiety, it's like a cross between stubborn rage and a nauseous feeling. It's not nice at all. I even get it over minor things like somebody asking for a phone call when I've already explained things perfectly over email.
Why am I like this? Is it getting worse with age, or is it something that worsens when you become a parent? It's very, very unhelpful. I think it's one of the reasons I love golf, because of all the emotions it gives me - happiness, disappointment, satisfaction, annoyance - anxiety is never one of them. I never used to feel stressed because most things I honestly don't care about; but this anxiety is different to stress I think. It feels irrational and over-the-top.
The only plus side of the second issue is that it's made me commit to the holiday just to get away!
PJ87
Journeyman Pro
I'd say the majority of what you have said can be linked back to anxiety about the holiday. Even the work stuff will affect you more because of the subconscious worry about this family break.
Does it have to be aboard? Our first break with eldest was a caravan park, pack up everything you need then go
Or can you rope your parents in on the holiday, dress it up as quality time with your daughter but gives you a pair of hands.
Our first holiday alone with all three is next summer , it's a tester holiday but the solution I came up with. A cruise. Disney one but normal are available. Drive to Southampton, no plane, leave enjoy come back
On the other comment. I hate holidays in the main lol so your alone
GB72
Money List Winner
Sounds a lot like the overthinking that I have had most of my life. You take any situation and then start spinning it round in your head working out all of the ways it can go wrong or how it will be awful and then you end up not doing things, missing out and in a rut just working and doing safe, simple things in your free time. I think that was a factor in ending my marriage, overthinking forced me into a safe, comfortable rut that my ex became fed up of. There were other factors but this was one.
How did I change things. I guess I did not have much choice. On my own, the safe rut was not an option and so I had to tell my brain to shut up and just get on and do things and see what happened. Some were good, some were not but at least I did things. Now I get out more, i am with a wonderful new partner and I am excited more about life and doing things now whereas before it was just a constant dread of how things were going to go wrong if I took time off work or did this or did that. I am autistic and i am not sure how much of this is attributable but I had to push myself into a mindset where I would do something and i would either like it and do it again or not and learn that it was not for me. Sometimes that meant simply booking things when the idea came up rather than let myself spend weeks talking myself out of it.
How did I change things. I guess I did not have much choice. On my own, the safe rut was not an option and so I had to tell my brain to shut up and just get on and do things and see what happened. Some were good, some were not but at least I did things. Now I get out more, i am with a wonderful new partner and I am excited more about life and doing things now whereas before it was just a constant dread of how things were going to go wrong if I took time off work or did this or did that. I am autistic and i am not sure how much of this is attributable but I had to push myself into a mindset where I would do something and i would either like it and do it again or not and learn that it was not for me. Sometimes that meant simply booking things when the idea came up rather than let myself spend weeks talking myself out of it.
RichA
Well-known member
You sound like you need a holiday mate.
I'm no regular international traveller (or a parent), but have plenty of friends and family who've flown with babies and toddlers. Yeah, they cry sometimes. Anyone who can't tolerate that and empathise with you isn't worth worrying about. If it wasn't an agitated child they'd find something else to moan about. Flights aren't supposed to be relaxing; they're a transit medium, not a hotel.
Just remember to keep whichever little things placate her when she's aggy in your hand luggage. You'll be fine. She might be triggered by your emotions, so stay chilled.
Your work sounds stupid. As an employee you're entitled to annual leave and shouldn't have to arrange your own cover. That's just idiotic. Any half-sensible employer has a responsibility to look after the welfare of its employees and make sure functions continue when they're using their holiday entitlement.
What sector do you work in?
I'm no regular international traveller (or a parent), but have plenty of friends and family who've flown with babies and toddlers. Yeah, they cry sometimes. Anyone who can't tolerate that and empathise with you isn't worth worrying about. If it wasn't an agitated child they'd find something else to moan about. Flights aren't supposed to be relaxing; they're a transit medium, not a hotel.
Just remember to keep whichever little things placate her when she's aggy in your hand luggage. You'll be fine. She might be triggered by your emotions, so stay chilled.
Your work sounds stupid. As an employee you're entitled to annual leave and shouldn't have to arrange your own cover. That's just idiotic. Any half-sensible employer has a responsibility to look after the welfare of its employees and make sure functions continue when they're using their holiday entitlement.
What sector do you work in?
Orikoru
Tour Winner
We strongly suspect my wife has ADHD which, among other things, means she gets an idea in her head and it will not be budged. She's been nagging me about this holiday for months and months, and when I finally relented and booked it off work, she suddenly started panicking that she was making me unhappy and said we didn't have to go. It's very hard to commit to doing anything in our household.
I think my anxiety over the flight is less about what other people think and more that I can't stand my little girl being unhappy, and I know my wife is the same. Hopefully she's up for three-to-four hours of cartoons on the iPad.
And yes, I have no idea why it's like this. I hardly ever book more than two days off at a time because I can't be arsed with it. When I did paternity leave (took 5 weeks) there was nobody in the business who could cover, they had to take an a new hire, and I had to sit in the interview! Bizarre. And this is a pretty large construction firm too.
GB72
Money List Winner
I guess all I would add to my comments is a thought on how I would look at your situation now (because I would have looked at it the same way as you a year ago). My head would be telling me what would go wrong and so I would ask myself if I would be happy not going on a family holiday until my kids were a lot older and miss out on all of those years and memories. My head would reply no, I want those things in my life and so my mental response now would be that if I am going to go on a family holiday at some point in the next 5 or more years then it may as well be now. The flight issue will still be there next year and the year after, the work issue will still be there so at some stage I have to bite the bullet and do it so it may as well be now.
