The Mental Health Thread

[Orikoru]

I guess all I would add to my comments is a thought on how I would look at your situation now (because I would have looked at it the same way as you a year ago). My head would be telling me what would go wrong and so I would ask myself if I would be happy not going on a family holiday until my kids were a lot older and miss out on all of those years and memories. My head would reply no, I want those things in my life and so my mental response now would be that if I am going to go on a family holiday at some point in the next 5 or more years then it may as well be now. The flight issue will still be there next year and the year after, the work issue will still be there so at some stage I have to bite the bullet and do it so it may as well be now.

Yes. My wife was actually toying with the idea of going with a friend instead, but the idea of missing my little girl for 5 days while she has fun on holiday was even more abhorrent. So I have committed to it now.

The anxiety is wide-reaching though, it affects my response to most things. Still work-related, but a particular choice of words from someone in an email to me can leave me feeling cold and thinking that they hate me or that they have an axe to grind - even when there's no real suggestion of that at all, it's just me being paranoid probably. Here's an example from a recent email off my current line manager: "Appreciate you have emailed previously but a reminder is always helpful and an essential part of your role." That last part sounds like she's having a dig to me. And I've been obsessing over that one phrase for 24 hours now. Does she think I'm not doing my job? It's exhausting to overthink everything to this degree!

 

[GB72]

Yes. My wife was actually toying with the idea of going with a friend instead, but the idea of missing my little girl for 5 days while she has fun on holiday was even more abhorrent. So I have committed to it now.

The anxiety is wide-reaching though, it affects my response to most things. Still work-related, but a particular choice of words from someone in an email to me can leave me feeling cold and thinking that they hate me or that they have an axe to grind - even when there's no real suggestion of that at all, it's just me being paranoid probably. Here's an example from a recent email off my current line manager: "Appreciate you have emailed previously but a reminder is always helpful and an essential part of your role." That last part sounds like she's having a dig to me. And I've been obsessing over that one phrase for 24 hours now. Does she think I'm not doing my job? It's exhausting to overthink everything to this degree!

Yep, all part of the wonders of overthinking. You start looking for issues and problems in everything. I have been there and bought the T-Shirt. It is not limited to the big things. In the early days of dating again, much of the early stages is chatting online and on Whatsapp. You can imagine the field day that my over thinking mind was having with that. It has been a tough process of just realising what you are doing and trying to mentally work through it.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Have you spoken to your work about this? It may help if they know how this is impacting you, how they can adjust to help you.

You don't need to answer this one here, it's your personal business and the question is for you to think about, but have you been diagnosed with anxiety or more? Might be worth looking into. It may help in your discussions with work as well.

 

[Hobbit]

Lately I'm finding anxiety affecting my every day life more and more. My wife has been going on about a family holiday with our little one for months, and I kept putting her off because the idea just fills me with dread. All I can think about is our toddler being a nightmare on the plane, and a whole 5 days of trying to keep her occupied and entertained, with no time to relax for ourselves. Then I feel like a freak because what sort of person doesn't enjoy or look forward to holidays with their family? Then the idea of trying to find cover for my job for 4 days makes it worse - arranging cover is weird at my company, you kind of have to find someone to do it yourself, there's not really a proper resource. So now I'm panicking about my processes being easy to understand for someone coming in, and whether the person covering is going to be competent or mess everything up.

In addition, I've been asked to do something at work that isn't in my normal remit, and my brain is spiralling. Can I tell him it's not my job without looking bad? If I do it, is it the start of a slippery slope where he'll continue to ask me to do more things outside my scope? I just like to sit quietly at my desk and get on with my day-to-day things, this is something that takes me out of my comfort zone. And I hate that. I don't know if a symptom of autism (that I've mentioned before I suspect I have a mild form), but something like this just fills every fibre of my body with this anxiety, it's like a cross between stubborn rage and a nauseous feeling. It's not nice at all. I even get it over minor things like somebody asking for a phone call when I've already explained things perfectly over email.

Why am I like this? Is it getting worse with age, or is it something that worsens when you become a parent? It's very, very unhelpful. I think it's one of the reasons I love golf, because of all the emotions it gives me - happiness, disappointment, satisfaction, annoyance - anxiety is never one of them. I never used to feel stressed because most things I honestly don't care about; but this anxiety is different to stress I think. It feels irrational and over-the-top.

The only plus side of the second issue is that it's made me commit to the holiday just to get away!

Holiday: kids get unhappy & tetchy when they’re bored. It’s a fact of life. Whether it’s on a plane or at home, it happens. All you can do is try and mitigate it using the things that you know have worked in the past. Beyond that, kids cry…

Work: (i) Given work outside of your comfort zone - you can either refuse it, but that’s not a great look. Or you can accept it but tell your boss you’ll need access to the required resources to complete it - the boss has little choice but to give you access to those resources. If he doesn’t, and you fail to complete the task it’s his fault. Think of it as an opportunity to expand your horizons rather than a crisis.

(ii) cover whilst you’re off. You’ve sourced it before and are still alive to tell the tale. But what is the worst case scenario? Whoever covers screws up. You come back to, at worst, 4 days of work to correct. It won’t kill you to correct it, and you’re hardly likely to have to redo 4 days work.

 

[Hobbit]

Yes. My wife was actually toying with the idea of going with a friend instead, but the idea of missing my little girl for 5 days while she has fun on holiday was even more abhorrent. So I have committed to it now.

The anxiety is wide-reaching though, it affects my response to most things. Still work-related, but a particular choice of words from someone in an email to me can leave me feeling cold and thinking that they hate me or that they have an axe to grind - even when there's no real suggestion of that at all, it's just me being paranoid probably. Here's an example from a recent email off my current line manager: "Appreciate you have emailed previously but a reminder is always helpful and an essential part of your role." That last part sounds like she's having a dig to me. And I've been obsessing over that one phrase for 24 hours now. Does she think I'm not doing my job? It's exhausting to overthink everything to this degree!

Ignore superfluous words in emails. They serve no real purpose other than make the sender look foolish.

 

[Orikoru]

Have you spoken to your work about this? It may help if they know how this is impacting you, how they can adjust to help you.

You don't need to answer this one here, it's your personal business and the question is for you to think about, but have you been diagnosed with anxiety or more? Might be worth looking into. It may help in your discussions with work as well.

I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder once, way back in my early 20s, but that was more specifically related to fear of dying/death, and I was referred to counselling for that, but it didn't really go anywhere in the end, I only had about three sessions. I suppose if you're prone to anxiety though it can come out in many forms.

The idea of telling work about anxiety just makes me feel like they'll assume I'm using that as an excuse to get out of things I don't want to do. And in a way they'd not be wrong! Anxiety prevents me talking about anxiety - ironic.

 

[Orikoru]

Holiday: kids get unhappy & tetchy when they’re bored. It’s a fact of life. Whether it’s on a plane or at home, it happens. All you can do is try and mitigate it using the things that you know have worked in the past. Beyond that, kids cry…

Work: (i) Given work outside of your comfort zone - you can either refuse it, but that’s not a great look. Or you can accept it but tell your boss you’ll need access to the required resources to complete it - the boss has little choice but to give you access to those resources. If he doesn’t, and you fail to complete the task it’s his fault. Think of it as an opportunity to expand your horizons rather than a crisis.

(ii) cover whilst you’re off. You’ve sourced it before and are still alive to tell the tale. But what is the worst case scenario? Whoever covers screws up. You come back to, at worst, 4 days of work to correct. It won’t kill you to correct it, and you’re hardly likely to have to redo 4 days work.

Well those are certainly the rational responses I don't always have access to. The middle one though - it's not an 'opportunity' at all, it is pretty much dog's work. Sorting out the sample room. Clearly nobody else wants to do it.

 

[GB72]

Well those are certainly the rational responses I don't always have access to. The middle one though - it's not an 'opportunity' at all, it is pretty much dog's work. Sorting out the sample room. Clearly nobody else wants to do it.

That first sentence is a telling one though. Part of my process is telling myself that my brain does not always work like other people and my response is to some extent irrational and I am shutting out all of the positives when making a decision, interpreting a message etc.I then have to sit back and work through it in my head so as I can develop a more rational understanding of the situation. It is amazing over a shortish period at how quick your brain becomes at double checking itself.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder once, way back in my early 20s, but that was more specifically related to fear of dying/death, and I was referred to counselling for that, but it didn't really go anywhere in the end, I only had about three sessions. I suppose if you're prone to anxiety though it can come out in many forms.

The idea of telling work about anxiety just makes me feel like they'll assume I'm using that as an excuse to get out of things I don't want to do. And in a way they'd not be wrong! Anxiety prevents me talking about anxiety - ironic.

I'd hope that employers are more enlightened about that nowadays. They certainly should be and even if only from a HR perspective, ignore the moral point, they are leaving themselves open to potential issues if they ignore any chat you would have.

Saying that, easy for me to say. My daughter is currently training to be a clinical psychologist and she has had a few clients with different levels of anxiety that affect their lives to varying degrees. Having an idea of the general issues, tough stuff. You can get help but I'm not in any way qualified so would not attempt to try to pass on tips that I've heard. Don't hide from it though, I suspect that is a good way for this to build up to become bigger and bigger.

 

[Piece]

I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder once, way back in my early 20s, but that was more specifically related to fear of dying/death, and I was referred to counselling for that, but it didn't really go anywhere in the end, I only had about three sessions. I suppose if you're prone to anxiety though it can come out in many forms.

The idea of telling work about anxiety just makes me feel like they'll assume I'm using that as an excuse to get out of things I don't want to do. And in a way they'd not be wrong! Anxiety prevents me talking about anxiety - ironic.

You've probably seen this post already, in case not => https://forums.golfmonthly.com/thre...health-help-me-understand.102450/post-2046427 It's an explainer of anxiety and steps to "cure it".

Anxiety suffers have irrational thoughts and spend a lot of time with "what-if" thoughts and risk-assessing. Funny how all these thoughts are negative! For example, think about the good things that will happen on holiday and the memories made . A non-anxious person would only give a passing thought to negative items before moving on, where as anxious people spend a long time on them, running down rabbit holes, trying to find an answer to everything in an attempt to find a sense of control & reassurance.

The bottom line is, anxiety is about behaviour. Act anxious and you will have anxiety. Act like a non-anxious person, and the anxiety subsides.

I have had anxiety since single digits. It's only in the last 10 years that I've really understood it and today it is far, far less than it ever was.

 

[Mudball]

Big anxiety with job/money worries around here. Since last year, we have a new manager. We havent done well as a team - but not completly useless either. However new guy has been brought in to turn things around. He is indeed two faced and no one trust him. Slowly from the stat of the year, he has fired one of us. 2 down and now another one put on plan. That just leaves me... waiting for that call with HR

 

[Tashyboy]

I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder once, way back in my early 20s, but that was more specifically related to fear of dying/death, and I was referred to counselling for that, but it didn't really go anywhere in the end, I only had about three sessions. I suppose if you're prone to anxiety though it can come out in many forms.

The idea of telling work about anxiety just makes me feel like they'll assume I'm using that as an excuse to get out of things I don't want to do. And in a way they'd not be wrong! Anxiety prevents me talking about anxiety - ironic.

This bit is a bit I would have to address. Talking about anxiety is half the battle. The acceptance and then understanding and treatment of it can then commence. One thing I learned about people who have Anxiety, stress related issues. They think they are the only ones suffering from it and see it as a sign of weakness to talk about it. Trying to turn this on its head. Your company has a duty of care re your health and well being. A large part of that is ensuring you are mentally in the right place to do your job.
The way I see things are going, you are kicking the can down the rd and it is getting bigger. If this anxiety problem is not addressed at work it will not go away and will only get worse, hence kicking the can down the rd. You have answered your own question that anxiety prevents me talking about anxiety. It shouldn’t. And as you have mentioned, you have already discussed it once re a different anxiety disorder in your 20’s. Again turning it on its head. You may well find that mentioning it to someone at work gets a massive massive monkey off your back. From there, help will one day have you saying “ why did I get flippin stressed about that”. You may find that once that monkey is off your back, you can do jobs you can’t or don’t want to do. Again flippin it on its head. If you do not mention it to work and you screw up on a job. How’s that going to go down.
Good luck with it me man.

 

[IanM]

Lots of @Orikoru 's posts resinate with me.

After 20 successful years in one organisation, I was made redundant when my dept. closed. It effected me far more than I realised at the time. Two roles later, I pretty much collapsed emotionally and had to take time off.

Domestically I felt responsible for keeping a roof over our heads.

At work, anything new left me stressed.

What got me through it , then over it was talking to my GP, my boss and my wife and getting help.

It's a long story. But people are often more supportive than you anticipate.

But get help. From wherever it's available. You won't fix this alone.

All the best

 

[Tashyboy]

Lots of @Orikoru 's posts resinate with me.

After 20 successful years in one organisation, I was made redundant when my dept. closed. It effected me far more than I realised at the time. Two roles later, I pretty much collapsed emotionally and had to take time off.

Domestically I felt responsible for keeping a roof over our heads.

At work, anything new left me stressed.

What got me through it , then over it was talking to my GP, my boss and my wife and getting help.

It's a long story. But people are often more supportive than you anticipate.

But get help. From wherever it's available. You won't fix this alone.

All the best

This is what I was trying to say to Mr Orikoru

 

[PJ87]

Before I was diagnosed with my bipolar and put on meds for life I used to have days where I got stuck into my own head (for want of a better phrase) there was a time I was returning to work and couldn't get off the circle line as I couldn't make the decision what stop. Or where I couldn't get out of bed. Or stuck in the shower for an hour just thinking. I still get these lapses now so have to snap myself out but it's a lot easier. Sometimes my wife (or others) will say your not with us today are you and I'll just come out my little world and back to reality.

The mind is such a powerful tool and if you let it get ahead of you it's difficult to catch up

Professional help is always best, talking way through things. I find posting random stuff on here is a way of dealing with things at times. (Prob why I post more on up days than downs) But having a good network of support both family and friends always helps

Best help I've found is golf

 

[RichA]

This forum's pretty good when we're not being nobs to each other.

 

[Marshy77]

This forum's pretty good when we're not being nobs to each other.

I was just about to type exactly that.

 

[Robster59]

This has got me thinking. I've always suffered with low self esteem. Something people might not realise when they talk to me as I always seem outgoing, loud and positive, but sometimes it's easier to put the show on than admit to the issues.
Why I'm writing this is, at the moment, my missus is suffering with depression and has also started treatment for diabetes. This has got her really stressed and snappy (well snappier than usual) and I am trying to be the person of stability in the relationship. It will do her no good if I go to bits so I am trying to hold it together.
What I have realised over the last week or so is that I am getting more and more down. I'm worried about her condition, and feel like I'm walking on eggs around her whilst trying to be positive. On top of that work is very busy and I'm feeling that I am getting no rest from that 24/7. I feel mentally and physically exhausted.
Come February of next year I will be moving to a 3 day week (personal choice as reach 66 but carrying on working) and that may help as we will have more time together but at the moment it's hard.
And, daft as it may sound, having a dog is a real bonus for us. He helps me to get out of the house to take him for a walk, and she dotes on him.

 

[RichA]

That doesn't sound daft to me. Pets are a massive source of joy for some of us. I desperately miss having a dog. Our old boy probably kept MrsA and me together through some pretty dark years.

 

[GB72]

That doesn't sound daft to me. Pets are a massive source of joy for some of us. I desperately miss having a dog. Our old boy probably kept MrsA and me together through some pretty dark years.

Totally agree. Once she has found a house to buy, my ex will be taking one of our cats, Arby, with her and I will miss him to pieces. He was always around me when I was down when my ex first left.