Dementia Awareness

[Tashyboy]

Last four posts, where do I start. Probably agreeing with everything that has been said ain’t a bad place. missis T and her sister both have joint POA on health and wealth. Either of which can make a decision if either is out of the country.
The problem with MIL she has breast cancer, not sure how bad it is but her heads a shed. She is not the very good at dealing with situations and problems at the best of times.
Thanks for the heads up boys, good to talk ?

 

[Robster59]

Does she have health as well as financial? We have discovered how important it is to have both.

Totally agree on your point.

Yes, she does as this was arranged with the doctor, but thanks for checking. Basically her Mum died about 20 years ago, so there's only her and her son on that side of the family.

 

[Tashyboy]

It’s going to be an interesting week. Yesterday Missis T moved in to be with her parents for a week. MIL goes into hospital tomorrow for a mastectomy. FIL cannot be left on his own. So Missis T is looking after him for a few days then looking after MIL for a few days more. She has isolated for a week and had a Covid test before she moved in. It’s odd but she is caring for them for a week then lord knows how many times she will be going over the coming months. FIL gets attendance allowance for people to go in and help care for him. But he don’t get careers allowance. The upshot is Missis T who is caring for him don’t get the Covid jab.
That aside FIL is getting worse which is no great surprise. It’s not just having to repeat yourself constantly but he has got to the stage where he does not recognise his wife at times. He is getting up regularly during the night to go to the allotment. MIL said FIL scares her sometimes when he loses his rag. But when she was questioned by social services re does she feel threatened she said “alls ok“. It is scary to think that he only begrudgingly went to the drs 6 months ago and was still driving.
MIL has said that she will not have radiotherapy if it is required Coz her sister was sick when she had it Years ago. You could give her a bloody good shake but this post is not about me having a rant.
Missis T has a lot on her plate at the moment so it’s just a case of trying to be there for her.
Me, last night my first night in bed on me own for as long as I can remember, slept like a log. ?

 

[Robster59]

It’s going to be an interesting week. Yesterday Missis T moved in to be with her parents for a week. MIL goes into hospital tomorrow for a mastectomy. FIL cannot be left on his own. So Missis T is looking after him for a few days then looking after MIL for a few days more. She has isolated for a week and had a Covid test before she moved in. It’s odd but she is caring for them for a week then lord knows how many times she will be going over the coming months. FIL gets attendance allowance for people to go in and help care for him. But he don’t get careers allowance. The upshot is Missis T who is caring for him don’t get the Covid jab.
That aside FIL is getting worse which is no great surprise. It’s not just having to repeat yourself constantly but he has got to the stage where he does not recognise his wife at times. He is getting up regularly during the night to go to the allotment. MIL said FIL scares her sometimes when he loses his rag. But when she was questioned by social services re does she feel threatened she said “alls ok“. It is scary to think that he only begrudgingly went to the drs 6 months ago and was still driving.
MIL has said that she will not have radiotherapy if it is required Coz her sister was sick when she had it Years ago. You could give her a bloody good shake but this post is not about me having a rant.
Missis T has a lot on her plate at the moment so it’s just a case of trying to be there for her.
Me, last night my first night in bed on me own for as long as I can remember, slept like a log. ?

You and your missus are in a very difficult situation. Is she registered as a carer herself? If not then that might be something worth exploring. My other half is registered as a carer for the FIL but I'm not which means I've not got the jab yet either.
For your MIL, I think it's a mixture of denial and not willing to admit she can't cope, and the feeling she is letting her FIL down if she makes a big thing about his temper outbursts.
You'll have found that his condition varies every day and that it's amazing how they can put a different character on when someone else comes into the room. They'll try to make people believe they're OK and not let them see how bad they are. Trained nurses can spot it a mile off anyway.
Keep the posts coming. I find it quite cathartic when I do it and it's good to have somewhere were you can put your thoughts and share them with other people in the same situation.

 

[Deleted member 16999]

It’s going to be an interesting week. Yesterday Missis T moved in to be with her parents for a week. MIL goes into hospital tomorrow for a mastectomy. FIL cannot be left on his own. So Missis T is looking after him for a few days then looking after MIL for a few days more. She has isolated for a week and had a Covid test before she moved in. It’s odd but she is caring for them for a week then lord knows how many times she will be going over the coming months. FIL gets attendance allowance for people to go in and help care for him. But he don’t get careers allowance. The upshot is Missis T who is caring for him don’t get the Covid jab.
That aside FIL is getting worse which is no great surprise. It’s not just having to repeat yourself constantly but he has got to the stage where he does not recognise his wife at times. He is getting up regularly during the night to go to the allotment. MIL said FIL scares her sometimes when he loses his rag. But when she was questioned by social services re does she feel threatened she said “alls ok“. It is scary to think that he only begrudgingly went to the drs 6 months ago and was still driving.
MIL has said that she will not have radiotherapy if it is required Coz her sister was sick when she had it Years ago. You could give her a bloody good shake but this post is not about me having a rant.
Missis T has a lot on her plate at the moment so it’s just a case of trying to be there for her.
Me, last night my first night in bed on me own for as long as I can remember, slept like a log. ?

Get your missus to apply for carers allowance for her mam.??

 

[Tashyboy]

You and your missus are in a very difficult situation. Is she registered as a carer herself? If not then that might be something worth exploring. My other half is registered as a carer for the FIL but I'm not which means I've not got the jab yet either.
For your MIL, I think it's a mixture of denial and not willing to admit she can't cope, and the feeling she is letting her FIL down if she makes a big thing about his temper outbursts.
You'll have found that his condition varies every day and that it's amazing how they can put a different character on when someone else comes into the room. They'll try to make people believe they're OK and not let them see how bad they are. Trained nurses can spot it a mile off anyway.
Keep the posts coming. I find it quite cathartic when I do it and it's good to have somewhere were you can put your thoughts and share them with other people in the same situation.

Am not sure how to word it, but it’s “ educating“ reading others thoughts and experiences no matter how sad they are. That hits the nail on the head where you mention “ different characters” when I think about it, he does change character. It’s that obvious but I never noticed it. He lost his rag with a neighbour the other day when he accused her of putting rubbish in his wheels bin. Her bin was half empty and she asked why would she do that. He said “ well he hasn’t put it in his bin”. MIL a few days later explained to neighbour his condition.
Re Missis T applying to be registered as a carer, I don’t think it would happen. Edit, am not sure if she has already tried and it got kicked in the head . On the day that MIL was interviewed re careers allowance she said “ she don’t want to discuss it “ as earlier that morning she found out she had cancer. I will have to have a natter with her to find out. Me and Missis T were keeping an eye on my mum and Dad. And only stood at the end of the backyard when saying Heyup to her parents. Missis Ts Sister was in the in-laws bubble. That changed when MILs situation changed.
Thanks for the posts guys.
Stay safe.

 

[Deleted member 16999]

Am not sure how to word it, but it’s “ educating“ reading others thoughts and experiences no matter how sad they are. That hits the nail on the head where you mention “ different characters” when I think about it, he does change character. It’s that obvious but I never noticed it. He lost his rag with a neighbour the other day when he accused her of putting rubbish in his wheels bin. Her bin was half empty and she asked why would she do that. He said “ well he hasn’t put it in his bin”. MIL a few days later explained to neighbour his condition.
Re Missis T applying to be registered as a carer, I don’t think it would happen. Edit, am not sure if she has already tried and it got kicked in the head . On the day that MIL was interviewed re careers allowance she said “ she don’t want to discuss it “ as earlier that morning she found out she had cancer. I will have to have a natter with her to find out. Me and Missis T were keeping an eye on my mum and Dad. And only stood at the end of the backyard when saying Heyup to her parents. Missis Ts Sister was in the in-laws bubble. That changed when MILs situation changed.
Thanks for the posts guys.
Stay safe.

Mate, Anyone can be registered as a “carer” via their local Council, applying for Carers Allowance is one form, which can be downloaded from the internet.

To give you an example, I am registered as I receive carers allowance for my wife. My wife is a registered carer for our son, who is also disabled, and she does not receive carers allowance.

For Durham Council it is Durham County Carers Support, once we were registered with them, they sent us a form to be completed and sent to our GP to be registered on our notes and their system as a carer.

Worth trying mate, nothing to lose.

 

[Tashyboy]

Mate, Anyone can be registered as a “carer” via their local Council, applying for Carers Allowance is one form, which can be downloaded from the internet.

To give you an example, I am registered as I receive carers allowance for my wife. My wife is a registered carer for our son, who is also disabled, and she does not receive carers allowance.

For Durham Council it is Durham County Carers Support, once we were registered with them, they sent us a form to be completed and sent to our GP to be registered on our notes and their system as a carer.

Worth trying mate, nothing to lose.

I will speak to Missis T when she gets home. I think one of the reasons why she would not go for it is, her sister is in the in-laws bubble. However she works full time from home. Just been promoted re tax inspector. So although she fetches and carries. She won’t care for them like Missis T is doing. But Missis T won’t want to stand on her sisters toes. I also think that Missis T is happy with the situation that she goes when she can/ likes. If she gets an allowance she would feel more inclined to have to go. For me it’s “ you say scones I say scons”. It’s the same thing but not to a lady of Missis Ts way of thinking. Oddly enough she/ me were the ones that pushed FIL to go for the attendance allowance on the basis of if you don’t ask, you don’t get.
Like I mention it’s difficult for Missis T and Ave not even mentioned the merry go round of the grandkids. She will miss them this week, Ave got them tonight so they will get some Tash love. Grandson,He will be happy as soon as he gets his Army turtle helmet on. Granddaughter, she will be happy with chocolate and apple juice.

 

[williamalex1]

Mate, Anyone can be registered as a “carer” via their local Council, applying for Carers Allowance is one form, which can be downloaded from the internet.

To give you an example, I am registered as I receive carers allowance for my wife. My wife is a registered carer for our son, who is also disabled, and she does not receive carers allowance.

For Durham Council it is Durham County Carers Support, once we were registered with them, they sent us a form to be completed and sent to our GP to be registered on our notes and their system as a carer.

Worth trying mate, nothing to lose.

My daughter is halfway through a 6 weeks a carers course online with a local college. When finished there's a good chance of a part time job in the local care home her mother is in.

 

[Mandofred]

My wife has been dealing with her folks. Mother was put in a nursing home last March. Father should be in one now. My wife has been dealing with all of this and trying to keep me out of it, although I keep offering. She doesn't like her parents so it's making things difficult. The father is turning cantankerous and really needs to be looked after....drops his pills all over, house is filthy, won't clean anything, sleeps in his clothes, hasn't changed the bed since last summer, won't flush the toilet (it costs money!!! I'm not a millionaire you know!). We have Money and Health legal on her mother, but only Money on her father...don't think he would let her have the health part. Simply, my wife is kind of hoping that her father would fall (yet again) and get hurt enough to have no choice but to be put in a Home. She tried to get help for cleaning etc, did it for a while but it was worthless since her father kept telling them to go away. My wife isn't going to go over more than once or twice a week (father is about 1/2 mile away) because she can't stand him. Anyone dealing with these situations has my admiration....it's a tough one.

 

[oxymoron]

My daughter is halfway through a 6 weeks a carers course online with a local college. When finished there's a good chance of a part time job in the local care home her mother is in.

All the best to your daughter she is a far stronger person than i , it takes a special person to have a career in social care .

 

[Robster59]

My wife has been dealing with her folks. Mother was put in a nursing home last March. Father should be in one now. My wife has been dealing with all of this and trying to keep me out of it, although I keep offering. She doesn't like her parents so it's making things difficult. The father is turning cantankerous and really needs to be looked after....drops his pills all over, house is filthy, won't clean anything, sleeps in his clothes, hasn't changed the bed since last summer, won't flush the toilet (it costs money!!! I'm not a millionaire you know!). We have Money and Health legal on her mother, but only Money on her father...don't think he would let her have the health part. Simply, my wife is kind of hoping that her father would fall (yet again) and get hurt enough to have no choice but to be put in a Home. She tried to get help for cleaning etc, did it for a while but it was worthless since her father kept telling them to go away. My wife isn't going to go over more than once or twice a week (father is about 1/2 mile away) because she can't stand him. Anyone dealing with these situations has my admiration....it's a tough one.

I get where you're coming from. My missus and her Father have never had a good relationship but nevertheless she put a granny flat on the back of her house when her Mum (who she did get on with) passed away. So we've been living with him for 20 years. I try to act as a buffer between the two so she doesn't go totally doolally.

 

[williamalex1]

All the best to your daughter she is a far stronger person than i , it takes a special person to have a career in social care .

She'd been looking after her mother for about 2 years, it's only recently she was taken into a care home, suffering advanced dementia and unable to walk unaided.
The social works department eventually arranged everything. Also helped and advised my daughter to take the carers course.
The care home said they would probably have a part time job available, when the course is complete.
So fingers crossed.

 

[Tashyboy]

She'd been looking after her mother for about 2 years, it's only recently she was taken into a care home, suffering advanced dementia and unable to walk unaided.
The social works department eventually arranged everything. Also helped and advised my daughter to take the carers course.
The care home said they would probably have a part time job available, when the course is complete.
So fingers crossed.

missis T before she went onto Urology outreach had a job working in the bank nurse dept at the local hospital trust. She helped train and hire and fire nurses and care assistants.
Some of the best carers came from the nursing homes. Had a good work ethic and she employed them as carers and up she put a fair few forward on to become nurses. Lost count the amount of times we have been stopped by folk who have had a natter with her. People she had put forward for nursing. good Luck to her ?

 

[williamalex1]

missis T before she went onto Urology outreach had a job working in the bank nurse dept at the local hospital trust. She helped train and hire and fire nurses and care assistants.
Some of the best carers came from the nursing homes. Had a good work ethic and she employed them as carers and up she put a fair few forward on to become nurses. Lost count the amount of times we have been stopped by folk who have had a natter with her. People she had put forward for nursing. good Luck to her ?

I'm just delighted she's trying a different type of job. She's only ever worked in the licence trade, first as a waitress then ran her own pub in Tenerife for the last 10 years. But had to give it up just before the first lockdown to look after her mum.

 

[Robster59]

I'm just delighted she's trying a different type of job. She's only ever worked in the licence trade, first as a waitress then ran her own pub in Tenerife for the last 10 years. But had to give it up just before the first lockdown to look after her mum.

My stepson started working as a carer in a home for teenage boys from broken homes. That's challenging as you can imagine. But I think it's something he is well suited to. It's damned hard work though.

 

[williamalex1]

My stepson started working as a carer in a home for teenage boys from broken homes. That's challenging as you can imagine. But I think it's something he is well suited to. It's damned hard work though.

Ask Virtuocity { Dave } he was involved with social works for a while.

 

[Tashyboy]

Had a quick natter with Missis T this morning as she drive back from taking MIL to hospital. Unfortunately it has not been the best 2 days she has had. Yesterday FIL had a 2 hour rant, called Missis T everything from a Bitch to being illegitimate. As I thought she is seeing a side that MIL has not told us about. MIL has said she don’t know how much longer she can put up with this, and Missis T should not be subjected to that. As Missis T says “ this time should be focused on caring for MIL with what she has to go through “. Ave told Missis T we made the right decision to stop him from driving, I think a decision needs to be made re whether he goes into a specialist dementia home.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Had a quick natter with Missis T this morning as she drive back from taking MIL to hospital. Unfortunately it has not been the best 2 days she has had. Yesterday FIL had a 2 hour rant, called Missis T everything from a Bitch to being illegitimate. As I thought she is seeing a side that MIL has not told us about. MIL has said she don’t know how much longer she can put up with this, and Missis T should not be subjected to that. As Missis T says “ this time should be focused on caring for MIL with what she has to go through “. Ave told Missis T we made the right decision to stop him from driving, I think a decision needs to be made re whether he goes into a specialist dementia home.

Tashy, one of the things that you need to remind your wife, and this is tough, is that this is no longer her father as she knew him. What he is saying now is not his deepest, darkest thoughts, they are the ramblings of another person. Some people with dementia go angry, some swear constantly, some just go quiet, my MIL is currently giggling like a 3 yr old most of the time. It isn't them but blimey it is hard to detach yourself and remind yourself that this is not them speaking. The body is there but the mind is not.

We have been around 2 specialist dementia homes, there really is a difference in both the build of them, design, and carers involved, and were hugely impressed by them. They get it and they are geared up to deal with the illness as best as anyone can. My in laws have not made that step yet but they should.

My wife is on a dementia forum and she says there is a common theme regarding putting parents, in laws etc into homes. Massive guilt, delays, delays, more guilt, they do it, massive relief, more relief. The carers regain their life, family regain their lives, the person living with dementia often picks up a little but even if not they deal with it because the homes know how to cope with them. Start looking around some specialist homes in your area, it will be the right move.

 

[Tashyboy]

Tashy, one of the things that you need to remind your wife, and this is tough, is that this is no longer her father as she knew him. What he is saying now is not his deepest, darkest thoughts, they are the ramblings of another person. Some people with dementia go angry, some swear constantly, some just go quiet, my MIL is currently giggling like a 3 yr old most of the time. It isn't them but blimey it is hard to detach yourself and remind yourself that this is not them speaking. The body is there but the mind is not.

We have been around 2 specialist dementia homes, there really is a difference in both the build of them, design, and carers involved, and were hugely impressed by them. They get it and they are geared up to deal with the illness as best as anyone can. My in laws have not made that step yet but they should.

My wife is on a dementia forum and she says there is a common theme regarding putting parents, in laws etc into homes. Massive guilt, delays, delays, more guilt, they do it, massive relief, more relief. The carers regain their life, family regain their lives, the person living with dementia often picks up a little but even if not they deal with it because the homes know how to cope with them. Start looking around some specialist homes in your area, it will be the right move.

Cheers LT,
I liken looking after someone with Dementia, as walking down a street passing many doors and wondering or trying to guess which one you will walk through. I say that as I was looking at care homes a Couple of weeks ago. Trying to anticipate walking through that door. I mentioned it to Missis T and she thought it was to early. I have always had a sneaking feeling that things with her father were at a worse stage than he and certainly MIL made out. missis T has Confirmed that.
Ave said it before and I will always say it, Missis Ts training as a nurse has massively helped to defuse situations. The person she saw last night reminded her of when she was a child, when he used to ” trip out” and scream and shout and bully them. Missis T seems to think the dementia has highlighted his personality. She totally understands his dementia Is nothing personal. But my fear is that although she is a tough cookie she may carry a few scars once this is done and dusted.
Ave said it before and I will say it again, this forum has been fantastic for advice and Tash is now googling Dementia forums.
All the best Tash.