Dementia Awareness

[arnieboy]

A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.

 

[Hobbit]

A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.

I know your pain. Clearing the house was especially painful. Most stuff went to the charity shops/organisations, after the family had picked over it. Sadly, we still managed to fill a small skip of stuff that people didn't want - but each night even that was picked over by 'dippers.'

I recommend a decent brandy tonight.

 

[clubchamp98]

A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.

Yes ! I shed a tear when I sold my dads house ( my childhood home)

 

[Deleted member 16999]

A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.

Cling to the happy memories you’ve made and the new ones yet to come. Good luck.

 

[Tashyboy]

A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.

I think you are more than beating yourself up by saying you have “admitted defeat”. At the moment I am at base camp on the mountain that is dementia. And it is already tough. Sometimes we ask ourselves could we have done more when we already know the answer. I think you know the answer.
There’s an old saying “ leave this life full of memories not dreams”. Spend a few days remembering the memories with a glass of Hobbits tipple.

 

[HomerJSimpson]

Yes ! I shed a tear when I sold my dads house ( my childhood home)

Me too once my mum passed. So much harder than I thought it would be

 

[oxymoron]

A sad day today, with my mother in law passing away in March and my father in law with dementia in a care home due to my wife and I admitting defeat in caring for him at home, we completed the sale of their house, somewhere that we have shared so many happy memories for over thirty years. A sad day.

You have not been defeated at all , you are doing what is best for the gentleman and indeed for you and your wife , the stress of caring must have been huge and its only when
you move them to a home do you realize just how much you are under.
We are still sorting my dads house out due to some issues with his will so i know how you feel there , its upsetting every time we have to go in so much so my brother cannot go in
without shedding a tear .
My best wishes for you and your wife in this hard time , i hope for better times ahead for you both.

 

[Robster59]

To feel guilt is natural but it's an indication of how much you did and how much you care. As everyone has said, remember the good things, what you did together and how happy they made you. The person they are now isn't the person you knew and who brought you up. Even clearing the house can be cathartic if you remember all the happy memories they bring.
I know when my mum passes, over 90% of her house contents will just go to charity or the skip but they're important to her at the moment for the memories.

 

[arnieboy]

Thank you for your comments, much appreciated.

 

[Robster59]

Well, today my Father in Law celebrated his 88th Birthday, although it's becoming less of a thing to him. Not getting out and not getting interaction is hard on everyone but for someone who's faculties are going it has a bigger impact. His grandson came around to see him which cheered him up but he couldn't come int the house because of the type of job he has. Everything now has to be explained to him, even down to the process of washing his hands so I've notices around the bathroom to remind him how to do it.
For my partner and I, every day seems like Groundhog Day. Same routine, we can't go anywhere except to the shops or for a walk and you get caught in doing a routine of the same things at the same time as people with dementia need routine. Change it and it confuses them totally. You learn to talk to him to explain it, and to do it again, and again, (always gently), till he understands.
It would be better if we could get out, even individually, to get to see friends. I at least have my golf (when the course is open) but she doesn't play and can't get to see her friends which I know she needs.
No holiday (I know we're not alone there) and can't even get away for an evening as we can't put him into respite. Stepson can't do it because (as above) the role he has which puts him at higher risk.
We can't put him into care at the moment until you are absolutely certain that the location they are going to is safe and that's not a chance we're willing to take.
Sorry if this seems a bit of a miserable post. I am sure things will get better but the good thing is, we still haven't killed each other (although my Stepson asked me tonight how I'd managed not to! ) but it definitely puts a strain on the relationship.
OK, moan over.

 

[Tashyboy]

Well, today my Father in Law celebrated his 88th Birthday, although it's becoming less of a thing to him. Not getting out and not getting interaction is hard on everyone but for someone who's faculties are going it has a bigger impact. His grandson came around to see him which cheered him up but he couldn't come int the house because of the type of job he has. Everything now has to be explained to him, even down to the process of washing his hands so I've notices around the bathroom to remind him how to do it.
For my partner and I, every day seems like Groundhog Day. Same routine, we can't go anywhere except to the shops or for a walk and you get caught in doing a routine of the same things at the same time as people with dementia need routine. Change it and it confuses them totally. You learn to talk to him to explain it, and to do it again, and again, (always gently), till he understands.
It would be better if we could get out, even individually, to get to see friends. I at least have my golf (when the course is open) but she doesn't play and can't get to see her friends which I know she needs.
No holiday (I know we're not alone there) and can't even get away for an evening as we can't put him into respite. Stepson can't do it because (as above) the role he has which puts him at higher risk.
We can't put him into care at the moment until you are absolutely certain that the location they are going to is safe and that's not a chance we're willing to take.
Sorry if this seems a bit of a miserable post. I am sure things will get better but the good thing is, we still haven't killed each other (although my Stepson asked me tonight how I'd managed not to! ) but it definitely puts a strain on the relationship.
OK, moan over.

Your not on your own and even if it is just on a forum, talking helps.

Missis T had a phone call from her mum yesterday. “ your dad wants to talk to you” she handed the phone over to FIL and I heard him say “ mum went quick didn’t she”. Missis T asked what he meant. “ me mum, you know, your nanna, she died quickly” Missis T went into another room and explained his mother died 30 years ago. I whispered to Missis T is he confused with his sister who died last November. She mentioned that and he didn’t know/ couldn’t remember she had died. As you say Missis T spoke to him softly again. She went through what had happened to both sister and Mother, both of whom he had nothing to do with. By the end of it they were both laughing. But it’s another painful step. MIL has found a lump which is not a cyst so tentative discussions have been had re who would have to move in with FIL for a bit if MIL has to go into hospital.
The road is far from smooth. Bottom line, it’s good to talk.

 

[williamalex1]

Well, today my Father in Law celebrated his 88th Birthday, although it's becoming less of a thing to him. Not getting out and not getting interaction is hard on everyone but for someone who's faculties are going it has a bigger impact. His grandson came around to see him which cheered him up but he couldn't come int the house because of the type of job he has. Everything now has to be explained to him, even down to the process of washing his hands so I've notices around the bathroom to remind him how to do it.
For my partner and I, every day seems like Groundhog Day. Same routine, we can't go anywhere except to the shops or for a walk and you get caught in doing a routine of the same things at the same time as people with dementia need routine. Change it and it confuses them totally. You learn to talk to him to explain it, and to do it again, and again, (always gently), till he understands.
It would be better if we could get out, even individually, to get to see friends. I at least have my golf (when the course is open) but she doesn't play and can't get to see her friends which I know she needs.
No holiday (I know we're not alone there) and can't even get away for an evening as we can't put him into respite. Stepson can't do it because (as above) the role he has which puts him at higher risk.
We can't put him into care at the moment until you are absolutely certain that the location they are going to is safe and that's not a chance we're willing to take.
Sorry if this seems a bit of a miserable post. I am sure things will get better but the good thing is, we still haven't killed each other (although my Stepson asked me tonight how I'd managed not to! ) but it definitely puts a strain on the relationship.
OK, moan over.

It's defo not a moan mate , it's a heart felt release of feelings. Hats off to yous for handling this situation as best you can.
I'm in an almost similar situation, I feel your pain, you can only do so much, take care guys xx

 

[Deleted member 16999]

Well, today my Father in Law celebrated his 88th Birthday, although it's becoming less of a thing to him. Not getting out and not getting interaction is hard on everyone but for someone who's faculties are going it has a bigger impact. His grandson came around to see him which cheered him up but he couldn't come int the house because of the type of job he has. Everything now has to be explained to him, even down to the process of washing his hands so I've notices around the bathroom to remind him how to do it.
For my partner and I, every day seems like Groundhog Day. Same routine, we can't go anywhere except to the shops or for a walk and you get caught in doing a routine of the same things at the same time as people with dementia need routine. Change it and it confuses them totally. You learn to talk to him to explain it, and to do it again, and again, (always gently), till he understands.
It would be better if we could get out, even individually, to get to see friends. I at least have my golf (when the course is open) but she doesn't play and can't get to see her friends which I know she needs.
No holiday (I know we're not alone there) and can't even get away for an evening as we can't put him into respite. Stepson can't do it because (as above) the role he has which puts him at higher risk.
We can't put him into care at the moment until you are absolutely certain that the location they are going to is safe and that's not a chance we're willing to take.
Sorry if this seems a bit of a miserable post. I am sure things will get better but the good thing is, we still haven't killed each other (although my Stepson asked me tonight how I'd managed not to! ) but it definitely puts a strain on the relationship.
OK, moan over.

You’re doing brilliant, you may not believe it or need it saying, but with just coming out the other side of caring for someone for years I’m looking back and wondering how I/we did it.

My wife is having a bit of a nightmare, second guessing everything she did, ie, was I as patient, could I of done this differently etc etc.

Result of it all, Absolutely we did our best, we did all we could, we were not trained, we did it as it was the right thing to do for us at the time and I can guarantee not everybody could or even would do what we and now you are doing.

Look at your Father-in-law, is he safe? Warm? Fed? if the answers are yes, have a little inward smile and be proud of what you are all doing for someone you love, you can only do your best.

 

[oxymoron]

Well, today my Father in Law celebrated his 88th Birthday, although it's becoming less of a thing to him. Not getting out and not getting interaction is hard on everyone but for someone who's faculties are going it has a bigger impact. His grandson came around to see him which cheered him up but he couldn't come int the house because of the type of job he has. Everything now has to be explained to him, even down to the process of washing his hands so I've notices around the bathroom to remind him how to do it.
For my partner and I, every day seems like Groundhog Day. Same routine, we can't go anywhere except to the shops or for a walk and you get caught in doing a routine of the same things at the same time as people with dementia need routine. Change it and it confuses them totally. You learn to talk to him to explain it, and to do it again, and again, (always gently), till he understands.
It would be better if we could get out, even individually, to get to see friends. I at least have my golf (when the course is open) but she doesn't play and can't get to see her friends which I know she needs.
No holiday (I know we're not alone there) and can't even get away for an evening as we can't put him into respite. Stepson can't do it because (as above) the role he has which puts him at higher risk.
We can't put him into care at the moment until you are absolutely certain that the location they are going to is safe and that's not a chance we're willing to take.
Sorry if this seems a bit of a miserable post. I am sure things will get better but the good thing is, we still haven't killed each other (although my Stepson asked me tonight how I'd managed not to! ) but it definitely puts a strain on the relationship.
OK, moan over.

You are doing an absolute cracker of a job make no mistake about that .It is admirable that his grandson and your stepson (apologies if they are one and the same )support you , you are entitled to moan ,shout ,scream ,in fact anything that will release tension .
Unfortunately this post is typical of what home carer's are going through everyday, it breaks my heart .
I really do wish you well ,you are , as stated in an earlier post an unsung hero of the care system and you deserve more .

Keep your chin up i am sure better days will come .

 

[Robster59]

Thanks everyone. I've been thinking about posting for a while but try not to do too much as you don't want to be seen as a perpetual whinger .
It is difficult to talk and I do find that the occassional writing it down on this forum is quite cathartic. Sometimes just to be able to write it down helps in making you feel a little better.

 

[oxymoron]

Thanks everyone. I've been thinking about posting for a while but try not to do too much as you don't want to be seen as a perpetual whinger .
It is difficult to talk and I do find that the occassional writing it down on this forum is quite cathartic. Sometimes just to be able to write it down helps in making you feel a little better.

For your mental health , carry on,just get the crap out of your system it will benefit you and your family, bottling it up is the start of a very dark ,slippery slope and god forbid anyone goes down there . Please keep it up you are probably helping others on here who are keeping stuff in, you just keep going , as someone said somewhere else ,i would rather listen to you talk than listen to some one give an eulogy about you (something like that , not good recalling quotes )

 

[Tashyboy]

For your mental health , carry on,just get the crap out of your system it will benefit you and your family, bottling it up is the start of a very dark ,slippery slope and god forbid anyone goes down there . Please keep it up you are probably helping others on here who are keeping stuff in, you just keep going , as someone said somewhere else ,i would rather listen to you talk than listen to some one give an eulogy about you (something like that , not good recalling quotes )

This all day long. ? Just to add MIL rang today, she it at the end of her tether with the FIL. Everyone is illegitimate and has it in for him inc her. He is going downhill fast and there kids inc Missis T is having a zoom call tonight.
Dont know that it is any conciliation but you are deffo not on your own.

 

[Robster59]

This all day long. ? Just to add MIL rang today, she it at the end of her tether with the FIL. Everyone is illegitimate and has it in for him inc her. He is going downhill fast and there kids inc Missis T is having a zoom call tonight.
Dont know that it is any conciliation but you are deffo not on your own.

I hope you are able to sort things out. It must be so hard for your MiL. It's difficult with two of us but with one person having to handle this, it must be so difficult.

 

[Tashyboy]

I hope you are able to sort things out. It must be so hard for your MiL. It's difficult with two of us but with one person having to handle this, it must be so difficult.

Missis T rang her mother the day after, all is sweetness and light now, well for the time being. It really is a roller coaster of emotion. They both have to go to hospital on the same day 30mins difference in appointment times. It’s like trying to plan a military operation.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Ah, the frustration of family mixed with dementia. My wife has just come off the phone with her dad in tears. MiL has the dementia, he is the bigger problem. It took an age to persuade him to get carers in to help her wash, be dressed properly in clean clothes. Now he wants to cancel them. 'They do nothing, I can do it'. Except he can't and doesn't.

My wife is fighting a constant battle against him and whilst it is draining in normal times add in lockdown and the psychological impact of that and it's even tougher on her. It's a combination of stupidity and meanness on his part and it is hugely frustrating.

The MiL is actually very docile and amenable now. She has gone past agitated and tetchy and is like a sweet toddler. A pale shadow of herself though. It's a beggar of an illness, as everyone on this thread knows.