Dementia Awareness

[Tashyboy]

Just read your post LT and unfortunately there’s so much I am relating to. Missis T has a phone call tomorrow to see what help and assistance her FIL may get. At the same time FIL is having an assessment by a psychiatrist to see how he is. Then both of them have an appointment at hospital, him for his ticker and MiL re unsavoury lumps. A litre of Bells a week and 18 cans is not helping but he is not gonna stop that now.
Its like walking down a rd and seeing X number of bridges to cross and doors to walk through.

 

[Robster59]

Sorry to hear the issues you guys are going through. I'm not sure if it's harder living with someone with dementia or being away from them and being frustrated at that.

The Father in Law had a fall last night. He lives in a grandad flat at the back and got up to do something (we're not sure what). Didn't use his Zimmer, not even sure he used his walking stick. All I know is I was woken up by him banging at his door. He's banged his head, cut his knee, has a 2" square flap of skin hanging from his shin where he's grazed it, blood oozing down his leg, and although he has a home alert button he never pressed it. Instead he tried to do it himself. I pressed the buzzer and we got two carers around within 20 minutes. They were able to do an emergency dressing, but now we are waiting for the district nurse to come around. They did consider an ambulance but with everything happening with Covid at the moment, they have higher priorities and also we want to keep him away from the hospital with the chances of infection.
The missus is at the end of her tether. I have a 9am meeting today. She is off but I'm working and on a meeting at 9am. My heads all over the place and the stress levels are high. I'm really worried about effect it's having on the mental health of my other half.

 

[Tashyboy]

If there has been a positive, the support staff that Missis T has spoken to have been brilliant. Today and next Monday are big days in a sense of MIL getting future help.

 

[arnieboy]

Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again.
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.

 

[Deleted member 16999]

Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again.
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.

Sorry to read this, condolences to you both.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again.
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.

Tough times. Very hard for your wife, and for you as well. I hope she is able to hold onto pre-dementia memories of her dad.

 

[Tashyboy]

Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again.
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.

Gutted for you me man and Missis AB, the last year must of been horrendous. What more could you of done, Nothing. Struggling to find words of comfort. Next few months I would imagine will be difficult as well. Thoughts and Love Mr and Missis Tash.

 

[oxymoron]

Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again.
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.

My condolences at this horrible , horrible time .I hope you and your family can get some comfort remembering the gentleman as he was before this vile disease caught hold of him .

 

[Robster59]

Unfortunately my father in law passed away earlier today. He had been in a care home since April and we managed to visit him a few times although we never actually saw his room. He was admitted to hospital last week suffering from infections that became sepsis and he developed Covid from there. Especially tough for my wife as she has now lost both parents within ten months of each other. They were so devoted to each other that one positive aspect is that they are together again.
We are so grateful to the staff at both the care home and the hospital who have been absolutely brilliant and caring.

My condolences. Losing someone is always sad and to lose two so close together is very difficult, especially in these trying times.

 

[Tashyboy]

Missis T has set many wheels in motion re FIL through different organisations who can help with support. This has been ongoing since August. It stepped up a level when FIL had hold of MIL a couple of weeks ago. missis T had a letter arrive today re an appointment with both parents by a shrink last week. It was mentioned during the meeting about FIL having hold of MIL. MIL said “ it’s ok don’t worry about it, it’s his illness and am OK”. I could scream, at the time she was scared and Ave lost count the amount of times she has rung saying ” I cannot go on like this”. The letter explains that no support will be offered at the moment as all is ok. Part of the problem is MIL wanting a quite life thinking alls going to get better. Quote, “She just wants the old FIL back”.
Last week he went to the COOP for 4 beers and came back with lemonade for his whisky.
He called Missis T on Saturday to let her know “ They have got back ok from a weekend away”. They have been no where. He also said he has not seen his mother for a bit. She died in 2001. missis T dropped off his Birthday pressies for weds. On our way back from the shop. He asked where his mum is again. MIL is a major problem in trying to get him help.

 

[Robster59]

From what I can pick up, this seems to be a major obstacle in lots of these cases. The partner of the one with dementia doesn't want to accept help, or even accept the situation won't change. I can see you're absolutely trying your best and hopefully you can get your MIL to accept that she needs help as much as he does. It's not a failing on her part but her trying to handle this on her own will not be good for her, your Father in Law or all those affected by it. I wish you all the best in trying to get things in place.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

The above with knobs on. In fact, in bold, underlined, starred and other things.

Tashy, I'd like to tell you things get better but we are 5 years in and my FiL, the healthy one, is getting more obstructive each day ??. At least when golf starts up again we can get our frustrations out on the golf course. At the moment....................

Good luck, do your best to keep calm and soak up the frustrations of Mrs Tash. My job at the moment is to be a psychological punch bag for my wife. It's a joy ?

 

[clubchamp98]

When my mum had dementia my dad was the biggest problem .
He thought he could look after her himself.
Long story short he couldn’t.
But he was the only one who couldn’t see it.
It’s obviously a common theme and there is no easy answer?
His word was always accepted by any help I tried to get for mum.
This caused no end of serious arguments between me and him.
This was incredibly stressful and I still think the social workers should have more power to override his decisions.
If it’s in mums best interest not his!
But the law was on his side.
It didn’t end well, and I blamed him for a lot of it.
Couple of years later he got it himself .
Not a great few years of my life but I tried my best and that’s all you can do.
Still saddens me how it all panned out, it didn’t have to be like that but the spouse is the biggest problem with older people accepting help.

 

[oxymoron]

When my mum had dementia my dad was the biggest problem .
He thought he could look after her himself.
Long story short he couldn’t.
But he was the only one who couldn’t see it.
It’s obviously a common theme and there is no easy answer?
His word was always accepted by any help I tried to get for mum.
This caused no end of serious arguments between me and him.
This was incredibly stressful and I still think the social workers should have more power to override his decisions.
If it’s in mums best interest not his!
But the law was on his side.
It didn’t end well, and I blamed him for a lot of it.
Couple of years later he got it himself .
Not a great few years of my life but I tried my best and that’s all you can do.
Still saddens me how it all panned out, it didn’t have to be like that but the spouse is the biggest problem with older people accepting help.

It seems like you are fighting 2 battles in these situations there is no winner .
Social workers see this everyday and ,the ones i had contact with , were very careful if they do try to override someone they are an easy target
for families if anything goes wrong, and as you say the law is not on their side so they are in an impossible situation ,dammed if they do and dammed if they dont.
And as you say it is normally the spouse who is the problem , the old "for better , for worse , in sickness and in health" is ok but dementia
is not taken in to consideration when these vows are made and the older generation are far more stubborn when it comes to getting and accepting help .

 

[clubchamp98]

It seems like you are fighting 2 battles in these situations there is no winner .
Social workers see this everyday and ,the ones i had contact with , were very careful if they do try to override someone they are an easy target
for families if anything goes wrong, and as you say the law is not on their side so they are in an impossible situation ,dammed if they do and dammed if they dont.
And as you say it is normally the spouse who is the problem , the old "for better , for worse , in sickness and in health" is ok but dementia
is not taken in to consideration when these vows are made and the older generation are far more stubborn when it comes to getting and accepting help .

Social workers were fantastic. I would like to get that on the record!!
Got one to the house to help, as soon as she opened her mouth!
My dad was “No no no” “ why do I need that”
It was all about him not my mum .
I could have killed him myself that day.
My stress levels were sky high.
What I don’t understand is ,if that was a child the law is totally different in the child’s best interest.
Why does a spouse have control over the best interests of another human being.?
This is a big problem going forward and the laws of the land need to reflect what’s happening.

 

[Tashyboy]

Social workers were fantastic. I would like to get that on the record!!
Got one to the house to help, as soon as she opened her mouth!
My dad was “No no no” “ why do I need that”
It was all about him not my mum .
I could have killed him myself that day.
My stress levels were sky high.
What I don’t understand is ,if that was a child the law is totally different in the child’s best interest.
Why does a spouse have control over the best interests of another human being.?
This is a big problem going forward and the laws of the land need to reflect what’s happening.

You know there’s things on this forum that i read and think, that one is being kept in the back pocket. Surely it is all about whats best for the dementia sufferer not the spouse ?. MIL cannot see that the help he can get will also help her.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

We have power of attorney on financial matters but not health matters. Big mistake of ours not to have both.

 

[Robster59]

We have power of attorney on financial matters but not health matters. Big mistake of ours not to have both.

My partner has power of attorney over her Father in Law. The important thing is to organise this while they still have some faculties.

 

[Deleted member 16999]

We struggled with the father-in-laws frontal lobe dementia, partly because the mother-in-law refused to acknowledge it as an illness and believed the f-in-law was play acting, despite the medical diagnosis.

But it was a totally different struggle when the m-in-law suffered mental health problems due to the cancer spreading.

I’ve no words of comfort for those facing the issues apart from wishing you all the best and that’s all you can do, try your best and do what you can for them, it’s a hideous road you are treading along.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

My partner has power of attorney over her Father in Law. The important thing is to organise this while they still have some faculties.

Does she have health as well as financial? We have discovered how important it is to have both.

Totally agree on your point.