Random Irritations

[Tashyboy]

Don’t get me started on the MIL the tight sod. Lost count the amount of times she has been taken to the hospital, when it comes to paying for carpark, guess who pays. Missis T. She has stopped taking her purse now. She says “I don’t need it coz I don’t need to buy anything”.
I spent four days doing some concreting on her back garden. Her son asked if she had offered anything to me. She said “ do you think I should”. Not to mention the wooden planter I had made for her and five trips for stuff to go in it, not to mention two skips for the back garden etc etc. It’s just the lack of thought that really grinds. It’s the expectation that really really grinds.
Ave told Missis Tash that with me dads dementia etc, the fact that I spent a couple of days at hospital ( two weeks ago) with me mum who has had a couple of TIAs on top of the ones had she has already had. I need to cut the cloth with the MIL.
I just felt like my head was going to explode and once more not paying for car parking was not going to be the straw that broke the camels back.

 

[IanM]

I no longer have people who "behave badly" when it comes to manners, behaviour, bill splitting etc etc

Over the years they've all been ditched and avoided!

It's good for the soul.

 

[Sid Rixon IV]

If you don't know anything about your luggage other than a vague recollection of the colour, you have no business standing at the luggage carousel randomly picking up bags that aren't yours

Went to Spain with a few mates many years back. At the carousel I was last man standing ignoring the last case that had gone past several times.
Mate wanders over, "What colour's yours?"
"Grey".
He yanks the remaing case off which was dark blue, looks at it and says "It's got your f**** name on it!!"

 

[irip]

Don’t get me started on the MIL the tight sod. Lost count the amount of times she has been taken to the hospital, when it comes to paying for carpark, guess who pays. Missis T. She has stopped taking her purse now. She says “I don’t need it coz I don’t need to buy anything”.
I spent four days doing some concreting on her back garden. Her son asked if she had offered anything to me. She said “ do you think I should”. Not to mention the wooden planter I had made for her and five trips for stuff to go in it, not to mention two skips for the back garden etc etc. It’s just the lack of thought that really grinds. It’s the expectation that really really grinds.
Ave told Missis Tash that with me dads dementia etc, the fact that I spent a couple of days at hospital ( two weeks ago) with me mum who has had a couple of TIAs on top of the ones had she has already had. I need to cut the cloth with the MIL.
I just felt like my head was going to explode and once more not paying for car parking was not going to be the straw that broke the camels back.

My MIL is the same mate.
Going on holiday with her Monday.
The wife says this morning to her are you going to contribute towards petrol and shopping?
No you got me the holiday as my Xmas present and as your going that way anyway then taking me is not costing anymore.
I’ll take my own food as well so I don’t need to pay for that.
Also I thought the present included everything when we are away, my wife said no we paid for the accommodation you know that was it, she replied that seems a bit tight.
For Xmas she got me 1 bottle of Peroni.
I have to treat it like a big joke now cause I really don’t want to explain to the kids why I strangled their nan with a Tesco receipt

 

[jim8flog]

not so much of an irritation but a simple WHY?

I put a new power supply in the desktop PC yesterday and it has got 4 bright red LEDs one in each corner lighting up the inside of the computer case!! What is point.

 

[Slime]

My MIL is the same mate.
Going on holiday with her Monday.
The wife says this morning to her are you going to contribute towards petrol and shopping?
No you got me the holiday as my Xmas present and as your going that way anyway then taking me is not costing anymore.
I’ll take my own food as well so I don’t need to pay for that.
Also I thought the present included everything when we are away, my wife said no we paid for the accommodation you know that was it, she replied that seems a bit tight.
For Xmas she got me 1 bottle of Peroni.
I have to treat it like a big joke now cause I really don’t want to explain to the kids why I strangled their nan with a Tesco receipt

Just leave her there, I would.

 

[irip]

Just leave her there, I would.

I would prefer to leave her here

 

[Tashyboy]

I would prefer to leave her here

Missis Tash and her sister are taking MIL on a 16 day cruise around the British Isles in July. I have offered to take them the Southampton. Just to make sure she gets on the ship.

 

[Sid Rixon IV]

When I was working, one of my managerial peers in another location in South Wales, eventually became my best mate. We were room mates on area meetings, went away to a couple of concerts sharing a room overnight etc. and constantly shared laughs.
After we retired 4/5 of us met up monthly for a beer and a bite.
One day he disappeared for an hour before we ordered food and we discovered he'd nipped off to a chippy.
I started noticing little signals about penny pinching.
Then on one occasion it was just he and I. He claimed he wasn't hungry and we skipped the meal.
Later that night he messaged me. He'd tracked our individual spend and wanted me to level up by sending him the diff - the last pint that he'd bought.
I sent him a laughing emoji.
He responded with his bank details.
I sent him the money but 20+ years friendship went down the pan in terms of respect.

 

[Hobbit]

When I was working, one of my managerial peers in another location in South Wales, eventually became my best mate. We were room mates on area meetings, went away to a couple of concerts sharing a room overnight etc. and constantly shared laughs.
After we retired 4/5 of us met up monthly for a beer and a bite.
One day he disappeared for an hour before we ordered food and we discovered he'd nipped off to a chippy.
I started noticing little signals about penny pinching.
Then on one occasion it was just he and I. He claimed he wasn't hungry and we skipped the meal.
Later that night he messaged me. He'd tracked our individual spend and wanted me to level up by sending him the diff - the last pint that he'd bought.
I sent him a laughing emoji.
He responded with his bank details.
I sent him the money but 20+ years friendship went down the pan in terms of respect.

Maybe he’s flat broke. Maybe he lost his money through poor investments. Maybe he had a bad divorce. Maybe he had to bail his adult kids out.

If it’s a good friendship, ask him why he’s so tight, diplomatically of course. I wouldn’t throw away a good friendship without asking why…

 

[IanM]

Maybe he’s flat broke. Maybe he lost his money through poor investments. Maybe he had a bad divorce. Maybe he had to bail his adult kids out.

If it’s a good friendship, ask him why he’s so tight, diplomatically of course. I wouldn’t through away a good friendship without asking why…

Was my first thought...

 

[Sid Rixon IV]

Maybe he’s flat broke. Maybe he lost his money through poor investments. Maybe he had a bad divorce. Maybe he had to bail his adult kids out.

If it’s a good friendship, ask him why he’s so tight, diplomatically of course. I wouldn’t throw away a good friendship without asking why…

None of those apply. Genuinely.
He excused himself from our friend's 75th meal celebration, turning up for the drink, and tripped himself up on reasons why he couldn't join us for the meal.
Two others in our group have basically washed their hands of him.
He did the same on mine.
I collared him alone next meet knowing the other guys would turn up 10mins later to allow us time to talk.
He just evaded the conversation and wouldn't/couldn't make eye contact.

 

[The Squirrel]

None of those apply. Genuinely.
He excused himself from our friend's 75th meal celebration, turning up for the drink, and tripped himself up on reasons why he couldn't join us for the meal.
Two others in our group have basically washed their hands of him.
He did the same on mine.
I collared him alone next meet knowing the other guys would turn up 10mins later to allow us time to talk.
He just evaded the conversation and wouldn't/couldn't make eye contact.

Given everything you've put here, I still very much wonder if he's lost money through something he's now too ashamed or embarrassed to talk about and is hiding? Scam? Ponzi? Stupid Investments? Just never managed his finances properly? We might think we do, but unless we are their accountant, we don't ever really know someone else's financial position.
Even more disturbingly as an alternative, irrational beahviouur change like this can be an early sign of dementia.

If he was normal all the time you were mates and the behaviour has suddenly and drastically changed, there must surely be something else going on. I'd be patient; maybe don't invite to social events where there will be a financial outlay but don't wash hands either and keep an ear open.

 

[Voyager EMH]

What can be seen as an annoying case of "penny pinching" can be a psychological condition with a similar root cause as such things as hoarding and severe anxiety.

The deep feelings of embarrassment and attempts to cover-up or excuse their own behaviour exacerbates the sufferer's condition.

With many such conditions, understanding, patience, care and assistance, which is the only way to very slowly transition out of this problem, are often in very short supply.

Someone very close to me had such problems.

 

[The Squirrel]

What can be seen as an annoying case of "penny pinching" can be a psychological condition with a similar root cause as such things as hoarding and severe anxiety.

The deep feelings of embarrassment and attempts to cover-up or excuse their own behaviour exacerbates the sufferer's condition.

With many such conditions, understanding, patience, care and assistance, which is the only way to very slowly transition out of this problem, are often in very short supply.

Someone very close to me had such problems.

Very true. For anyone with a decent steady job (like this guy presumably; working for years at manager level) and a sensible/cautious financial outlook, the whole of life, consistently for decades, involves carefully saving for later and getting gently richer and more financially secure. Paying off mortgage, car loan, student loan, Pension contributions, ISA, whatever. All nurtured over decades.
When you retire, unless you have a pretty huge investment pot, you have now hit 'peak wealth' and are now drawing on those savings. Some people REALLY struggle with this psychologically (they are now 'getting poorer' which is a mental block/anathema to them)and go into a very tight financial boundaries where they will not touch existing pots in order to preserve them or still see them grow. They have not moved on from the psychological need to always save for later and accepted that 'later' has arrived. They can end up living - wholly unnecessarily - on just the state pension or even less. Denying themselves even modest things that they could easily afford (with no negative financial consequence) that would make their lives much more comfortable and pleasant. It's very sad when you watch it.

To go back to the case we're discussing: in this ccase the friend seems to have made the effort to still attend these events even when it was either financially or financiopsychologically (I made that word up) difficult for him. Could have easily cried off altogether. Shows that maintaining the relationship might be quite important to him at some level despite whatever form his difficulties take. If you reframe things mentally to give him credit for that effort then it may help with how to respond?

 

[IanM]

After earning and (trying to) saving throughout a working life, suddenly thinking I need to spend this before I snuff it is a big change in behaviour!

 

[Tashyboy]

After earning and (trying to) saving throughout a working life, suddenly thinking I need to spend this before I snuff it is a big change in behaviour!

It is an odd situation to be in, when I retired in 2015 at 52 1/2 I had to sit down and work out what my private pension and redundancy would per week and that it had to last me 15 years before state pension. Then couple in Missis Ts pension etc etc.
Not gonna lie and say I had a few headaches.
As I have mentioned before pension wise it has got better with some of our pension money being returned.

 

[jim8flog]

After earning and (trying to) saving throughout a working life, suddenly thinking I need to spend this before I snuff it is a big change in behaviour!

I left work very early due to ill health.

The company offered to pay my pension early (at a much reduced level) fearing the worse I took up the offer. Here I am nearing my mid 70s wondering if it was the right decision.

 

[IanM]

You made the right choice. How much better is your health because you left work earlier?

You made the right choice, because it was the right choice at the time, with the information you had available.

And, that's without knowing any of the detail.

 

[Slime]

I left work very early due to ill health.

The company offered to pay my pension early (at a much reduced level) fearing the worse I took up the offer. Here I am nearing my mid 70s wondering if it was the right decision.

Whether it was the right decision or not it's not worth giving it another moments' thought because you can't undo said decision.
It's done, forget about it and caryy on.