Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you".
He went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt
He said to his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me".
His friend said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill.".
He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says
"No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill".
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?",
He said "Oh, the other is from the man who crapped in my pants!"