Laughter - the best medicine

Pants

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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
 

Pants

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A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
 

Slime

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Micky Mouse was in his LA Lawyers office.

The Lawyer said "Micky, you cant divorce Minnie because she has got buck teeth!"

"Thats not what I said!" replied Micky.​


"I said I wanted to divorce Minnie 'cos she is ####ing Goofy!"​



 

Slime

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing stockings and suspenders, asking to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap.

I said "Sod off Phil, I've got work in the morning". .
 

Blue in Munich

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Jan 12, 2013
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I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you".
He went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt
He said to his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me".
His friend said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill.".

He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says
"No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill".
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?",



He said "Oh, the other is from the man who crapped in my pants!"

If this is to be told, then it should be done properly;

 

rulefan

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Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
 

Pants

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696
THE PLAN

In the beginning, there was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form,
And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying, "It's a crock of
sh*t, and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It
is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is
a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a
vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one
another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it
is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto
them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto
him, "This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigour
of the company with very powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it
was good,

And the Plan became Policy.



And this is how sh*t happens
 
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