Dementia Awareness

[Robster59]

This is a useful thread to chat for me. It's quite cathartic. I don't feel I need to add something all the time, but it is good to come back to occasionally.
We are definitely seeing the changes in the Father in Law. With him it's the slower decline but sometimes you suddenly realise how much he's gone down again. He's totally reliant on us and now looks to us for advice and you have to tell him how to do more and more things. We try to let him do as much as he can so he doesn't vegetate and I take him out for a daily walk around the crescent to keep him mobile.
But it's hard. You ride a roller coaster of emotions from frustration to sympathy. At all times, you try not to show any frustration or anger as it isn't his fault.
The fact we are working from home helps but is also very intrusive to the work flow as it disrupts what you are trying to do.
Thankfully he likes watching endless repeats of Heartbeat (if I never hear that song again, I'll be a happy man!) and westerns, so I am always looking for new (old) ones to download to his Sky box. Thank goodness they made so many westerns.
And of course, we can't go anywhere on holiday as we are worried about Covid from sending him into respite so there isn't really a release there. And even if I have to travel on business (previously restricted but starting to be required now), we have to co-ordinate our timing so he can be looked after.
All this adds to the stress for us as we aren't getting the respite we need either. Holidays are now long weekends taken just so we're not looking at the laptop from 9 to 5.
There's nothing really revolutionary in anything here, lots of other people will be going through the same but I'm very thankful this thread was started.

 

[Tashyboy]

Missis T her sister and brother had a " union meeting" a week last Sunday. FiL term for family meeting. It was deep. It all came to a head and bottom line FIL agreed to see a Dr about it. Even though " theres nowt wrong". He went yesterday and " it didnt go well", his words. When asked what month it is, he replied " why do I need to know, my wife knows what month it is". Apparently he just been told to stop driving but there's confusion as to whether the dr infoms the DVLA or the FIL. At the same time they picked up something on his heart rhythm so he is in today for a check on his valve replaced heart.
Its odd that there was a report earlier this week saying dementia cases are falling. Dont seem it.

 

[Robster59]

Missis T her sister and brother had a " union meeting" a week last Sunday. FiL term for family meeting. It was deep. It all came to a head and bottom line FIL agreed to see a Dr about it. Even though " theres nowt wrong". He went yesterday and " it didnt go well", his words. When asked what month it is, he replied " why do I need to know, my wife knows what month it is". Apparently he just been told to stop driving but there's confusion as to whether the dr infoms the DVLA or the FIL. At the same time they picked up something on his heart rhythm so he is in today for a check on his valve replaced heart.
Its odd that there was a report earlier this week saying dementia cases are falling. Dont seem it.

My understanding is the Doctor should inform the DVLA. We went down this route with the FiL as we knew he'd put up a fight about not driving so the doctor route was the easier option. You can always check with the doctor.
I remember the nurse doing a test on the FiL and was shocked about how many basic things he couldn't do, days of the week, time, etc. The tests are well designed for analysing the problem.

 

[Tashyboy]

So FIL has had his second zoom appointment with a specialist with Missis T sat with him. MIL wanted to disappear again upstairs til the appointment was finished. Missis T said “ your going nowhere, it affects you as much as anyone else”. Bottom line, he has been diagnosed with vascular dementia with a bit of Alzhiemers . He has been told he should not be driving and that the DVLA have been informed and he should let them know as well. Didn’t stop him driving to ASDA last week. I blame MIL for allowing him and actually getting in the car. me and the rest of the family were livid.
On his second appointment he was told he could have a driving test to see if he is fit to drive. He is livid with his GP who stopped him driving.
My thoughts on him prior to getting this is that he has been a self centred selfish sod for as long as I can remember. This dementia/ Alzhiemers just seems to of made his personality worse. I have told Missis T and her sister it is massive credit to them that they have turned out the way they have With him the way he has been. They give the credit to there grand parents On there mothers side.
He has High BP, cholestero,dicky ticker, alzhiemers and dementia yet gets through a litre of Bells whiskey a week, lager and Guinnes. MIL says he don’t get drunk though so his drinking is ok. I could scream at her.
Missis T has had a google and read they may have mini strokes and vascular dementia can be the quickest form in which they deteriorate.
FIL called Missis T on Tuesday and had a right rant at her. Apparently Missis T has ”stitched him up”. She knew he would be stopped from driving and everyone is conspiring against him. She had the phone on hands free and me and son was listening. I know it’s important to keep calm but I was raging. She is busting a gut to Help but is being slagged off by her dad. I was Amazed with Missis T. She was as calm as I have ever seen her. It was a side I have never seen, ever. Don’t know if it was her nursing training or not.
Unfortunately am now walking in the shoes of other forumers who have been there and it’s not good at all.
Might speak to Missis T about going on a dementia course as he has deffo got worse over the couple of months.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Deep breaths Tashy, deep breaths. The normal answer to your post is that this is no longer your FiL, his personality has changed but it is the illness talking. In this case it may be that the illness has partly amplified his personality and his unpleasant side his coming more to the fore. Either way it is exceptionally hard for Mrs T to take, exceptionally hard for you to hear her taking it. Don't take it personally, that it is the thing to hang on to.

There is no easy answer for you here, you are going through a tough stage right now. Hopefully he will become more compliant over time, sadly as the illness takes over. My MiL has gone from total denial, tetchy, fidgety, odd cutting remark to now being quiet, very compliant, still and a little giggly. It stopped being her 3 - 4 years ago though, very sad to see.

Take the course, remember what you are doing is the right thing, whatever is thrown at you all (been there with the driving license ?). Those kids and grandkids of yours are going to be massive for you and Mrs T in helping you get through this. They will keep you smiling ?

 

[Tashyboy]

Just mentioned to Missis T re the course. Will ask her to contact the woman re the course. Am sure the road ahead is bumpy. What’s shocking is to see someone going from normality to aggressiveness in a split second. It’s like a switch has been flicked.

 

[clubchamp98]

Just mentioned to Missis T re the course. Will ask her to contact the woman re the course. Am sure the road ahead is bumpy. What’s shocking is to see someone going from normality to aggressiveness in a split second. It’s like a switch has been flicked.

My dad was the same.
He called me every name under the sun one day, then the next he was back to normal.
Very confusing for him as well.
It’s heart breaking at times, especially for the grandchildren as they only remember the fun guy he was.
Mrs T is going to need lots of support ( so you must keep your rage to yourself for now).
You mustn’t argue over it, it will be difficult though.
Dad blamed me for everything that went wrong, even having to go to hospital apps.
We got to the stage with the drinking / smoking that it can’t do him anymore harm, and he might as well get out of life what he enjoys while he has time.
Tough times ahead , best wishes.

 

[Tashyboy]

I think we will be fine ish. Missis Ts nursing knowledge and my calming Influence ?
Joking aside, thankful were both retired, having the time helps. Missis T has had another phone call this morning. Along the lines of can you come round again off MIL. Unfortunately no.
Missis T is having some retail therapy for her new summer house aka " Dog kennel".

 

[Piece]

My Dad is the opposite, in that with his condition he has turned into a placid, chilled and dare I say better person. But it’s not him. The driving thing was an issue as his car was his life, 24-7. But deep down he knew as well. Today he knows he owned cars, just can‘t remember what and when.

 

[Tashyboy]

FIL had a driving test last Thursday, he passed. When Missis T and her brother picked him up, he asked where were they going. When he was told he had passed, he had a bit of a rant saying it was a money making con. Even though it was free on the NHS.
when he got home MiL asked how he went on. He said “ with what”. He was prompted re his driving test and he Could not remember having taken it.
He booked in for the MOT and Missis T said “do a check on the car as it has not moved for 2 months“. he didn’t. Got in the car to take it for MOT and it would not start. ?
He is drinking far more than he should be but Missis T reckons that ain’t gonna change now.
MIL is ringing more than she ever has. Interesting times ahead.

 

[clubchamp98]

FIL had a driving test last Thursday, he passed. When Missis T and her brother picked him up, he asked where were they going. When he was told he had passed, he had a bit of a rant saying it was a money making con. Even though it was free on the NHS.
when he got home MiL asked how he went on. He said “ with what”. He was prompted re his driving test and he Could not remember having taken it.
He booked in for the MOT and Missis T said “do a check on the car as it has not moved for 2 months“. he didn’t. Got in the car to take it for MOT and it would not start. ?
He is drinking far more than he should be but Missis T reckons that ain’t gonna change now.
MIL is ringing more than she ever has. Interesting times ahead.

That dosnt sound good.
Mates father did this and drove from Warrington to Scotland ,he ran out of petrol on the M8.
Didn’t know where he was and was arrested for having a go at a traffic cop.
He had to go and get him and drive the car home.
Cost him best part of £800 ,recovery , pound ,and fine off the magistrate.
Physically he probably can drive .
But by what you say he really should not be.

 

[Tashyboy]

That dosnt sound good.
Mates father did this and drove from Warrington to Scotland ,he ran out of petrol on the M8.
Didn’t know where he was and was arrested for having a go at a traffic cop.
He had to go and get him and drive the car home.
Cost him best part of £800 ,recovery , pound ,and fine off the magistrate.
Physically he probably can drive .
But by what you say he really should not be.

Only really scratching the surface with it, when he mentioned he could now tow the caravan. They told him he would have to have a retest in 6 months which set him off on his rant. In the past he has used his hands on people inc family. An eye is being kept on him re his temper Which has flared a few times.

 

[williamalex1]

Sad times, my ex wife has a dementia/memory problem she's just been taken into a care home for assessment, BTW we divorce 46 years ago.

 

[Robster59]

FIL had a driving test last Thursday, he passed. When Missis T and her brother picked him up, he asked where were they going. When he was told he had passed, he had a bit of a rant saying it was a money making con. Even though it was free on the NHS.
when he got home MiL asked how he went on. He said “ with what”. He was prompted re his driving test and he Could not remember having taken it.
He booked in for the MOT and Missis T said “do a check on the car as it has not moved for 2 months“. he didn’t. Got in the car to take it for MOT and it would not start. ?
He is drinking far more than he should be but Missis T reckons that ain’t gonna change now.
MIL is ringing more than she ever has. Interesting times ahead.

That's worrying as you say. I'm surprised that he's got through the test but if he's as bad as you say, now may be the time for him to be mentally assessed. He can still be stopped from driving if the doctor considers him incapable. It's not easy but better than finding one day he's been in accident and somebody is badly injured.

 

[Robster59]

Funnily enough, I've been thinking of posting on here myself as I hadn't for a while and I do find it helpful at times.
Life goes on with the Father in Law here but his condition is deteriorating. With Covid, we haven't been able to get away anywhere for a break, not even an overnight as we can't put him in a Care home for respite because of concerns over his safety. We took our first full week off of 2020 last week. We didn't go anywhere as there isn't really anywhere we can go. In addition, your day is basically built around his requirements. Typically wake him up for his pills at 8, then he goes back to sleep. Wake him up for his breakfast at 10 and then lunch about 12:30. I try to take him out for a daily walk about 16:30 every day, then his tea, then I get him settled at about 21:00.
Add into that we are both working from home and so all-in-all that is our life at present. I get to the golf every Saturday but the missus can't even go and visit her friends as that is banned at the moment. It is undoubtedly a strain, I'd be lying to say otherwise, but what can you do? It's not his fault and we can't just dump him somewhere as it's not convenient. In years to come, that could be us. You realise how reliant he is on us and looks for us for help with most things. For a man who ran a major engineering business, and travelled over the world, it's a sad thing to see.
My Mum turned 97 last month. She's still doing pretty well. Almost deaf but not as bad as mentally as the Father in Law but I know that's a strain for my brother who looks after her (we're over 200 miles apart).

 

[clubchamp98]

My very mild mannered mother threatened dad with a kitchen knife once.
He ended up hiding all the cutlery.
We were told mild people can turn like this and really aggressive people can become very calm, it’s very strange .
His bottle went But his denial over the years made it worse imo.
I think you need to stop him now before he hurts or kills someone.
It’s very difficult to do but the consequences of not doing it might haunt you and Mrs T if he does something in the car.

 

[Robster59]

My very mild mannered mother threatened dad with a kitchen knife once.
He ended up hiding all the cutlery.
We were told mild people can turn like this and really aggressive people can become very calm, it’s very strange .
His bottle went But his denial over the years made it worse imo.
I think you need to stop him now before he hurts or kills someone.
It’s very difficult to do but the consequences of not doing it might haunt you and Mrs T if he does something in the car.

My Father in Law had a temper on him but he's calmed down a lot. He loses it occassionally but nothing like what he was previously.

 

[clubchamp98]

Funnily enough, I've been thinking of posting on here myself as I hadn't for a while and I do find it helpful at times.
Life goes on with the Father in Law here but his condition is deteriorating. With Covid, we haven't been able to get away anywhere for a break, not even an overnight as we can't put him in a Care home for respite because of concerns over his safety. We took our first full week off of 2020 last week. We didn't go anywhere as there isn't really anywhere we can go. In addition, your day is basically built around his requirements. Typically wake him up for his pills at 8, then he goes back to sleep. Wake him up for his breakfast at 10 and then lunch about 12:30. I try to take him out for a daily walk about 16:30 every day, then his tea, then I get him settled at about 21:00.
Add into that we are both working from home and so all-in-all that is our life at present. I get to the golf every Saturday but the missus can't even go and visit her friends as that is banned at the moment. It is undoubtedly a strain, I'd be lying to say otherwise, but what can you do? It's not his fault and we can't just dump him somewhere as it's not convenient. In years to come, that could be us. You realise how reliant he is on us and looks for us for help with most things. For a man who ran a major engineering business, and travelled over the world, it's a sad thing to see.
My Mum turned 97 last month. She's still doing pretty well. Almost deaf but not as bad as mentally as the Father in Law but I know that's a strain for my brother who looks after her (we're over 200 miles apart).

That must be really tough.
I looked after my dad and it was very hard work .
All the best and make sure you look after yourselves as a lot of careers don’t do this enough.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

We used to employ a woman who worked in a care home for a few years. She could tell some funny stories, some sad. She saw quiet people go nasty, nasty people become pussy cats, polite people start to swear profusely. The funniest, she practically did a routine for this, was an incredibly well mannered man who became very 'handsy' when being dressed. His wife was utterly mortified when told.

This illness changes people, they are not the same person and that is incredibly difficult for those close to handle, unless of course it makes someone nicer.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

The awkward one for us right now is that my MiL really needs to be in a care home. She is having toilet accidents on a pretty regular basis, is less and less capable of carrying out basic tasks. Carers come in but the whole job is too much for my FiL. He has been poor throughout this but even a capable person would struggle at this stage.

The issue is, if she goes in now can we see her? Can we go in? Not sure my wife could take her going in and then her effectively being isolated within the home. My MiL may or may not notice but it would be cruel on her husband, my wife. What if she does notice and goes downhill because she can't see any familiar faces? The decision is entirely logical but not necessarily in the current circumstances.