Dementia Awareness

Hobbit

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Thanks gent's its good to get some stuff off the chest once in a while , i try really hard not to let it take over our lives and fortunately my daughter has really stepped up
and is an absolute godsend .I think i am a bit "old school" and try to be the head of the family (oldest child ) but my brother does not cope very well with situations like this
he almost had a breakdown when our mum passed but i think he could do more he just seems to choose not too.
I realized some time ago i would need help and reached out and once i did , believe me , things seemed to reach a new , more manageable perspective .
As said , when you reach the point of accepting you are not superman, then things get easier, not too easy, but a damn sight easier and when you find out how
widespread this is you do ease up on the guilt of putting them in care ,IT IS THE BEST THING FOR THEIR SAFETY and i put that in capitals to emphasize that .
Not only their safety but your mental health as well if you collapse your family gets a whole set of extra problems they do not need so look after yourself and those around you .
The feeling of guilt never goes but you have to put it in perspective .
For several years a very good friend of ours kept saying the best thing was to put them where they got the best care. You can only provide xx hours of amateur care, and with the best will in the world emotions getting in the way. A home can provide 24 hrs of professional care with passion for the job, not emotion. Someone who is passionate for the job is far better than someone who is emotional for it.

Good luck.
 
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Lord Tyrion

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This is classic stuff for anyone not familiar with dementia but still tough to take. My SiL rang her dad to see how they were getting on, it's her mum with Alzheimer's. Her mum picks up:

How are you?
I'm a bit sad
Why is that?
I found out yesterday that my mother died

Her mother died 45 years ago. What do you say to your mother with alzheimer's when she is upset due to the death of her mother? To her it was yesterday, not 45 years ago.

There are loads of examples of lapsed memory, comments etc but some hit the heart strings a little harder.
 

Hobbit

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This is classic stuff for anyone not familiar with dementia but still tough to take. My SiL rang her dad to see how they were getting on, it's her mum with Alzheimer's. Her mum picks up:

How are you?
I'm a bit sad
Why is that?
I found out yesterday that my mother died

Her mother died 45 years ago. What do you say to your mother with alzheimer's when she is upset due to the death of her mother? To her it was yesterday, not 45 years ago.

There are loads of examples of lapsed memory, comments etc but some hit the heart strings a little harder.
That brings back a painful memory. During one of the MiL's latter hospital stays she asked, "where's Ray," her husband. He'd died 5 years before. HID just filled up. I told the MiL he'd died. I still remember the keening howl that cut right through me.
 

Piece

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My Dad is 86, soon to be 87. He has dementia for a few years now and has been at home with my Mum, who is now effectively his carer. She is keeping strong on the outside, as that generation do, thinking they can cope, but I know on the inside it is really hard for her. She told me today that Dad now occasionally asks who she is, despite being married for over 60 years. 😳. Not sure what you say to that. Reading stuff on this thread is invaluable. Thanks.
 

arnieboy

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Should probably be in the Gladden the Heart page but after two weeks in hospital with no visitors and two weeks in isolation in the care home with no visitors we finally managed to Skype the father in law. He couldn't hear much as his hearing aids are rubbish but at least he could see us. He will be able to leave his room on Thursday and mingle with other residents which will good for him. Tears all around but it was very therapeutic for my wife.
 

oxymoron

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Well today we have to take dad to a new home a he was too challenging for the present one .This is going to confuse the hell out of him.
we also have to transport him ourselves as they were going to put him in a taxi with a staff member but sod that at least i know my car is clean and i will be wearing the correct PPE
to ensure the risk is as low as possible .Not happy but needs must and all that , on the bright side at least i will get to see him even though i cannot go in the new home .
 
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Lord Tyrion

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Well today we have to take dad to a new home a he was too challenging for the present one .This is going to confuse the hell out of him.
we also have to transport him ourselves as they were going to put him in a taxi with a staff member but sod that at least i know my car is clean and i will be wearing the correct PPE
to ensure the risk is as low as possible .Not happy but needs must and all that , on the bright side at least i will get to see him even though i cannot go in the new home .
Best of luck
 

Robster59

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Well today we have to take dad to a new home a he was too challenging for the present one .This is going to confuse the hell out of him.
we also have to transport him ourselves as they were going to put him in a taxi with a staff member but sod that at least i know my car is clean and i will be wearing the correct PPE
to ensure the risk is as low as possible .Not happy but needs must and all that , on the bright side at least i will get to see him even though i cannot go in the new home .
Good luck. You've been having a bit of a time of it. I hope he gets the chance to settle in the new place.
 

oxymoron

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Thanks for the posts gent's, transfer went well staff from old home came out to wish him well , some younger ones were visibly upset as we said earlier it is the staff that make the care home ,home . He slept all the way to his new one and was met with a welcome committee made up of all the staff who will be caring for him , made us feel very welcome so all looking good at the moment .
Have to admit both myself and my daughter had a tear in our eyes on the way home .
One very positive note , we got to see him , not easy in today's environment .
 

arnieboy

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This is also a Gladden the Heart comment. After two weeks in hospital with no visitors and four weeks in the care home, two in isolation, my wife and her brother were able to visit my father in law yesterday. Limited to thirty minutes and held in the garden their spirits were lifted greatly. Social distancing went out of the window as all he wanted to do was hug them and nothing was going to stop him!
 

oxymoron

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It is with a very heavy heart that I type this , my dad passed away Friday .Due to the COVID restrictions we were just too late .
A release for him really just painful for us that are left .
We are out of this nightmare now and my thoughts are with you all left still in the battle with this vile disease .
A big thank you from myself for this post it really helped me along this absolute swine of a journey .

Thank you and good luck gents
 
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Lord Tyrion

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Sad to hear this but as you allude to, what life is it for the person living with this, for the family who have to watch the decline? My wife is now finding it hard to remember how her mum was before dementia, that is cruel. Best wishes to you and your family.

Thank you for posting, keep doing so with advice when others come on. I find this thread a very good and helpful one and contributors who have been through this add a huge amount.
 

Robster59

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Please accept my condolences. It's always a very sad time to lose someone but I know when my Dad passed I saw it as a release for him as well as the family. He was riddled with cancer and in absolute agony. I was the only member of the family who was with him and I haven't told anyone else what it was like as no need to burden them.
The best you can do is remember all the good and happy times with him and keep the happy thoughts to the front.
As LT has said, this forum is a release for myself and, I am sure, for many others in the same situation.
 
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Tashyboy

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Gutted to hear this Oxy me man. Missis T had a deep conversation over the weekend when her mum called her. Ma in law was upset as Missis Ts dad asked "who are those presents for on the table". They were for him, Missis T and her sister had been round earlier in the day as it was fathers day. He couldn't remember. He got upset about it and said he is going to get help..I will be surprised.
Thoughts and best wishes. Mr and missis T
 

arnieboy

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My condolences as well.
I managed to have a half hour visit with my FiL last Sunday the first time I had seen him for three months due to restrictions . He has deteriorated during that time but my wife and I both know that he is in the safest place receiving professional care.
 

clubchamp98

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My Condolences.
It’s never easy losing a member of your family.
When my mum died I felt really guilty about being relived.
She had dementia quite advanced.
She died as a result of an RTA and it was a shock at the time.
I look back on it as a blessing in disguise ,but I still feel a bit guilty even though I know it was for the best for her more than the rest of us.
Take care.
 

Tashyboy

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Thanks for all the posts . It was the not seeing him that’s the hardest to bear , we are comforted that he is now at rest .
Had a tough day yesterday.Tricky Trev me main PP. his wife retired last October, she had a stroke Dec 1st. She had been in a coma since 4 weeks ago and suddenly died. Funeral yesterday. It was painful to see him and his lad. Was stood outside listening to the service. Don’t know how many times I thought she is at peace. As for Trev, he is deep. He will get there, but there’s a smallest light at the end of the tunnel that was not there a few months ago.
 

oxymoron

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Another gentleman we know passed earlier today , dementia took hold of him quickly so i suppose his family did not have to see the indignity of a lot of the heartbreaking effects of the condition.
he was quite a young 75 year old until 6 months ago so in some small mercy they were spared a lot of the trauma .
I sent a link to this thread to his daughter , she read it and was taken aback at the conversation and she said it had helped her no end .
She has asked me to pass on her best wishes to all on her who have this disease in the family .
So gents keep up the conversation , some one may be reading and find comfort from something here , however insignificant to us it will help someone out there.
 
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