Dementia Awareness

[Tashyboy]

Crikey Tash. You're having a real time of it. Am I right in guessing our FiL has done everything for her over the years, and now the shoe is on the other foot she can't/won't hack it? She still expects to have everything done for her? That's a tough one. I wish I could give you some advice on that, but hopefully there are other people on here who could help.

That has firmly hit the nail on the head. And MIL said as much when she was picked up from the hospital yesterday. Missis T has told her point blank that ain’t happening. There other reasons why. But Al rattle about that at another time.

 

[Tashyboy]

Been to see FIL this morning. It was heartbreaking to see his deterioration. GP has been and asked for bloods and urine samples for tomorrow. MIL is seeing FIL tonight for the first time in a week. That won’t be pleasant.

 

[Tashyboy]

Latest re FIL. Last week Tash ended up in Athens for the week. Whilst there Missis T sent me a txt by mistake. But I had seen it before she deleted it. Her FIL had a fall at the nursing home the night I went away and he fractured his hip. She wanted to keep it from me and not to worry. Within a couple of days he had a new hip and was back at the nursing home. Me being me, it’s not a holiday without falling over. I did so on the last night and smashed me ribs. Bloody agony or what. Anyway whilst spending 5 1/2 hrs in A and E on Monday ( no fractures and no flippin golf) Missis rang and said FIL could do with a comfier chair. Within10 mins I had found and electric tilt and recline chair on Facebook. Just over an hour away in Spalding so. Yesterday me and Missis T had a road trip to pick up the chair. It is a thing of beauty. It lifts to help him out, he can sleep in it when it reclines and lifts his legs to help with circulation.We dropped it off yesterday and the poor sods face lit up when he got in it. He said “ it’s dead comfy duck”. missis T was chuffed to bits with it, him and me. £150 for a £2K chair.
On a down side FIL now has it because a dear old lady passed away a couple of weeks ago and it’s no longer needed. Sis in law and bro in law thanked me. MIL not a word. She is really rubbing Missis T up re her inability to lift a finger to do anything. Re FIL, I had not seen him for 10 days and it’s heartbreaking seeing a shadow of a man he used to be. Bearing in mind 4 months ago he was sundowning and walking miles. He now struggles to stand. His physical capability is now matched by his mental capacity. We are now spending more time with FIL than we ever did when he was at home. Just visiting but just seeing he has company And a bit of stimulation.
My mum and dad. Well I went over a couple of weeks ago and told me mum I am not booking a holiday for them again. Dad 87 with early dementia, mum 85 and just stubbornly thick. I have told them a *** storm is coming for one of them and if they/ she wants a holiday that bad, book it Yourself. She has, a two week cruise in September. Hope it goes well. Popped round today to see them and Missis T put the kettle on. The bloody thing burst into flames. Flippin eck. Anyway the kettle is now in the bin and a trip to Tescos for a new one. Me mum says to me dad “ have you unplugged the iron before we left the house”. Seriously what part of me dads got dementia don’t she understand. We dropped me dad off at the barbers on his own. Why? Why don’t she go with him. Fortunately I have him on an Apple I-tag tracker. Sometimes I/ we despair.

 

[Robster59]

It's all coming on to you at once. And by the sound of it, you and Mrs. Tash are bearing the brunt of everything. At least the two sets of parents have somebody who care, even if you get exasperated at times. I think sometimes the partner of somebody with dementia doesn't want to admit to it, or just expects other people to sort it out for them.
I can understand what you're saying about your FiL as I saw my dad and my FiL go the same way. The sad thing for my dad is that he was still mentally there till the end. But physically the change can be frightening.
Keep your chin up. It sounds like you're doing everything you can and remember to make sure that you look after yourself in all this.

 

[Tashyboy]

Would love to say the week away with my lad for his birthday/ football was a good battery recharge. But there was a couple of things that went off whilst I was away that really got my back up so I had a few rants to let people know where they stand.
Tonight’s meal was a recharge with Missis Ts cousin but again the bloody phone is ringing. Nest week am off to Inverness and we are really looking forward to it. Primarily because distance seems to be a barrier for the phone to stop ringing.

 

[YandaB]

Well that was a tough day! After 2 years of looking after MiL in our house the day finally came where we had no practical choice other than taking her to a home where there is 24 hour a day nursing assistance. Whilst she thankfully doesn't have, nor currently show any signs of dementia it has been enlightening reading this thread anyway, so thanks to everyone for their contributions and it seemed appropriate to post here.

Everything that could have gone wrong did, so that instead of a nice, gentle, no fuss transition it was awful. Added to that it's the hottest day of the year and she never liked the heat at the best of times. Still, she is now in, there are lots of freindly nurses and we will just have to see how it goes and keep our fingers crossed.

I was more emotional than I expected to be honest! Onwards and upwards.

 

[Tashyboy]

It really does amaze me how different people are when it comes to having dementia. We thought the FIL would kick off bigstyle when he had to go into a nursing/ Care home. It could not of gone smoother. However his physical capabilities now match his mental capabilities. He has now dropped another level.
We spent our first night in Inverness having a lovely meal. Went back to the hotel room smiling away and then the phone rang. FIL had fell again and hurt his hip he had broke three weeks earlier. Missis T got the phone call because the care home never had the MIL number. Missis T spent the next hour on the phone trying to sort out stuff.
When we see FIL in the home, you have to sign in. Breaks my heart seeing the lack of family that don’t go to see there parents.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

When we see FIL in the home, you have to sign in. Breaks my heart seeing the lack of family that don’t go to see there parents.

We know a few people with parents in homes. Lack of visits, for them, generally come down to 2 points. 1/ geography. People are spread all over now and 7, 8, 9 hour round trips are not something you can do on a weekly basis. 2 / who says those parents were nice to their kids? We know one in particular where the mother was seriously unpleasant as a parent and 2 of her children refuse to visit, they have had nothing to do with her for years and their views haven't changed. The one daughter who does visit is a 4hr drive away and so can only visit irregularly. Families can be complicated, we don't always know the full story

 

[Tashyboy]

We know a few people with parents in homes. Lack of visits, for them, generally come down to 2 points. 1/ geography. People are spread all over now and 7, 8, 9 hour round trips are not something you can do on a weekly basis. 2 / who says those parents were nice to their kids? We know one in particular where the mother was seriously unpleasant as a parent and 2 of her children refuse to visit, they have had nothing to do with her for years and their views haven't changed. The one daughter who does visit is a 4hr drive away and so can only visit irregularly. Families can be complicated, we don't always know the full story

We certainly don’t know all of there circumstances. One at FIL care home. She ( Shirley) has no family. I have a sort spot for her and always give her a cuddle. She likes to see my coloured legs. I always wear shorts. She is lovely and makes me chuckle.

 

[Robster59]

We were able to see my FiL in his care home as he was only a 5 minute drive away. There were always people visiting but you often saw the same faces. For some people it can also be very upsetting when it gets to the stage that they are no longer recognised and are spoken to like you're a complete stranger.
My mum was only in a care home for about a couple of weeks before she passed, but I lived over 200 miles from her so it would have been a lot more difficult, but at least my brother was still there for that. I was "lucky" that I got in to see her the day before she passed. Having seen my FiL and Dad, I said to my missus when I got home that she didn't have long.

@yandabrown - the transition days can be hard. My FiL was reluctant to go in but once he was in there he made friends with other people in there of his age and really started to enjoy himself. Before then he spent a lot of time on his own so this was better for him. Hopefully that will be the same for your MiL.

 

[Tashyboy]

Yesterday was one of those really odd days. Went into Notts and Bought my Mountain bike( more on that next Friday when I pick it up). I was buzzing. We called into the nursing home to see FIL on the way home. He was surprisingly “ with it”. But a lot of his conversation was gobble de gook. Missis T has a very good way of hitting the right note to get the best out of him When we visit. And Oddly enough whilst Missis T was entertaining FIL. I-was entertaining Margaret. Never met Margaret before but she is 94 in January. Bless her she told me about 6 times. She was constantly writing things down in a chronological order in her “Jotter”. At one point she got her purse out which had about £80 in it. I told her to put it away as it might go missing. There is a guy who picks things up, anything and it makes its way to his room. He don’t need it but he don’t know what he is doing and he takes it. She said “ it’s only money”. 2 mins later her 10p biro rolled under her chair and she was emotionally upset so am on me hands and knees looking for her biro. Turns out she was a secretary and spent her life writing, typing and shorthand. She was lovely. We got on like an house on fire. As we were leaving Shirley who is a “ rum un” and I like her, I went over and gave her a cuddle goodbye. She said “ I know why your going early”, I asked “ why?”. She said ” you two are going Bonking”. And she pointed at Missis T. I was setting myself laughing. Who says “ bonking”. Sad to see the state the FIL is in at the moment, he has now started wetting himself regularly. He is in the best place though.
Re me mum and dad. Well that’s another story.

 

[Robster59]

As we're getting close to Christmas, I just thought I'd give this a bump. This thread has been a real help for people who have family or friends living with dementia. I know it was a great place for me to talk about what was happening with my Mother and Father-in-Law when they were going through it. They have both passed now, but when I see articles or programmes talking about the subject, my heart reaches out to them as, only having lived with it, can you fully understand the mental and emotional anguish of seeing a loved one afflicted by this horrible disease. And the impact it has on those caring for them, both physically and emotionally.
I saw this article on BBC Breakfast this morning and thought I would just share it with the group.

Dementia: Fighting for my Wife
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0fcl5sk/dementia-fighting-for-my-wife

I do this because there could be other people on this forum who are going through the same situation and may feel they have nobody to talk to, or somewhere to voice their concerns, emotions, etc. If you are one of those, this is a great place to talk about it semi-anomynously. Nobody will judge you, some will advise, others will just support.
But don't feel you are alone.

 

[clubchamp98]

As we're getting close to Christmas, I just thought I'd give this a bump. This thread has been a real help for people who have family or friends living with dementia. I know it was a great place for me to talk about what was happening with my Mother and Father-in-Law when they were going through it. They have both passed now, but when I see articles or programmes talking about the subject, my heart reaches out to them as, only having lived with it, can you fully understand the mental and emotional anguish of seeing a loved one afflicted by this horrible disease. And the impact it has on those caring for them, both physically and emotionally.
I saw this article on BBC Breakfast this morning and thought I would just share it with the group.

Dementia: Fighting for my Wife
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0fcl5sk/dementia-fighting-for-my-wife

I do this because there could be other people on this forum who are going through the same situation and may feel they have nobody to talk to, or somewhere to voice their concerns, emotions, etc. If you are one of those, this is a great place to talk about it semi-anomynously. Nobody will judge you, some will advise, others will just support.
But don't feel you are alone.

Yes this time of year can trigger a lot of memories good and not so good.

 

[Tashyboy]

Excellent Bump Robster

Been meaning to post for a bit but anger and frustration has held me back.
FIL is in a care/ nursing home and it is the best place for him. Missis T is fantastic with him feeding him, giving him stimulation which brings him “out of the fog”. She is up there this afternoon as they have a singer on in the home. MIL is quite frankly useless. I find it hard to believe they have been married for over 60 yrs. Missis T had a blazing row with her last week and told her point blank “ you P**s me off”. It don’t help when family is busting a gut to go and see FIL and MIL says “ I don’t know if I can be bothered to see him today”. There’s loads I can go on about but
Re my dad who is in the early stages of, we have seen a slight deterioration but his early diagnosis and treatment has helped. But me mum I mentioned about getting a tablet organiser for me dad. Me mum poo pood the idea. They came back from Benidorm 2 weeks ago ( don’t go there) and she asked me to order him one as there had been a little mix up. I went ove on Saturday to drop something off and me dad told me about how they went for the bus. Except me mum was getting on at the top bus stop and me dad the bottom bus stop as he was picking up mum’s prescription. Only the bus came early and nearly went off without me dad. He thought it was funny. But as I said “ so mum you left me dad on his own again”. At times it is like talking to village idiots, or toddlers. Both my mum and MIL are either selfish or useless. Me mum was saying “ your dad don’t like going to Tesco but loves Morrisons”. So where does she go shopping. Tesco. He reluctantly went. I could bloody scream as he said “ I normally don’t go”. so he normally stays at home whilst niece takes her to the supermarket.
Me dad is so chilled out but of late I have heard him raise his voice once or twice. It might be something trivial like “ I was on the bus at 12.10 pm”, and me mum will chip in “ it was the 12.00 pm bus”. Me dad will raise his voice and say “ I know but I looked at me watch and it was 12.10”. “ me mums says “ I never saw you look at your watch”. They have always argued over nothing but it’s not wise to do it now.
The other week when me mum said to me “ I don’t think you know what I am going through”, I lost i. I told her in no uncertain terms that I have been telling you for the last 4 years what crap Mr and Missis T have been going through with FIL, It was warning me mum and dad what they will be going through. I am convinced that for me Mum it was just gossip.

 

[clubchamp98]

Excellent Bump Robster

Been meaning to post for a bit but anger and frustration has held me back.
FIL is in a care/ nursing home and it is the best place for him. Missis T is fantastic with him feeding him, giving him stimulation which brings him “out of the fog”. She is up there this afternoon as they have a singer on in the home. MIL is quite frankly useless. I find it hard to believe they have been married for over 60 yrs. Missis T had a blazing row with her last week and told her point blank “ you P**s me off”. It don’t help when family is busting a gut to go and see FIL and MIL says “ I don’t know if I can be bothered to see him today”. There’s loads I can go on about but
Re my dad who is in the early stages of, we have seen a slight deterioration but his early diagnosis and treatment has helped. But me mum I mentioned about getting a tablet organiser for me dad. Me mum poo pood the idea. They came back from Benidorm 2 weeks ago ( don’t go there) and she asked me to order him one as there had been a little mix up. I went ove on Saturday to drop something off and me dad told me about how they went for the bus. Except me mum was getting on at the top bus stop and me dad the bottom bus stop as he was picking up mum’s prescription. Only the bus came early and nearly went off without me dad. He thought it was funny. But as I said “ so mum you left me dad on his own again”. At times it is like talking to village idiots, or toddlers. Both my mum and MIL are either selfish or useless. Me mum was saying “ your dad don’t like going to Tesco but loves Morrisons”. So where does she go shopping. Tesco. He reluctantly went. I could bloody scream as he said “ I normally don’t go”. so he normally stays at home whilst niece takes her to the supermarket.
Me dad is so chilled out but of late I have heard him raise his voice once or twice. It might be something trivial like “ I was on the bus at 12.10 pm”, and me mum will chip in “ it was the 12.00 pm bus”. Me dad will raise his voice and say “ I know but I looked at me watch and it was 12.10”. “ me mums says “ I never saw you look at your watch”. They have always argued over nothing but it’s not wise to do it now.
The other week when me mum said to me “ I don’t think you know what I am going through”, I lost i. I told her in no uncertain terms that I have been telling you for the last 4 years what crap Mr and Missis T have been going through with FIL, It was warning me mum and dad what they will be going through. I am convinced that for me Mum it was just gossip.

Yes when my mum had it my dad was the main problem.

Its a cruel thing that has you arguing with your parents.

 

[Robster59]

Excellent Bump Robster

Been meaning to post for a bit but anger and frustration has held me back.
FIL is in a care/ nursing home and it is the best place for him. Missis T is fantastic with him feeding him, giving him stimulation which brings him “out of the fog”. She is up there this afternoon as they have a singer on in the home. MIL is quite frankly useless. I find it hard to believe they have been married for over 60 yrs. Missis T had a blazing row with her last week and told her point blank “ you P**s me off”. It don’t help when family is busting a gut to go and see FIL and MIL says “ I don’t know if I can be bothered to see him today”. There’s loads I can go on about but
Re my dad who is in the early stages of, we have seen a slight deterioration but his early diagnosis and treatment has helped. But me mum I mentioned about getting a tablet organiser for me dad. Me mum poo pood the idea. They came back from Benidorm 2 weeks ago ( don’t go there) and she asked me to order him one as there had been a little mix up. I went ove on Saturday to drop something off and me dad told me about how they went for the bus. Except me mum was getting on at the top bus stop and me dad the bottom bus stop as he was picking up mum’s prescription. Only the bus came early and nearly went off without me dad. He thought it was funny. But as I said “ so mum you left me dad on his own again”. At times it is like talking to village idiots, or toddlers. Both my mum and MIL are either selfish or useless. Me mum was saying “ your dad don’t like going to Tesco but loves Morrisons”. So where does she go shopping. Tesco. He reluctantly went. I could bloody scream as he said “ I normally don’t go”. so he normally stays at home whilst niece takes her to the supermarket.
Me dad is so chilled out but of late I have heard him raise his voice once or twice. It might be something trivial like “ I was on the bus at 12.10 pm”, and me mum will chip in “ it was the 12.00 pm bus”. Me dad will raise his voice and say “ I know but I looked at me watch and it was 12.10”. “ me mums says “ I never saw you look at your watch”. They have always argued over nothing but it’s not wise to do it now.
The other week when me mum said to me “ I don’t think you know what I am going through”, I lost i. I told her in no uncertain terms that I have been telling you for the last 4 years what crap Mr and Missis T have been going through with FIL, It was warning me mum and dad what they will be going through. I am convinced that for me Mum it was just gossip.

Sorry to hear the issues you are going through with both sets of parents. I think I mentioned it earlier, but sometimes when one person has been the one to do everything for the other, and that situation changes, the other person can't/won't stand up and do their bit. They have had so many years having everything done for them that they don't know how to look after themselves, let alone a poorly person. And at this age and after such a long time, I can't see the situation changing if I'm being honest.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

I find the lack of patience and empathy really surprising / shocking yet it happens over and over. I know when my MiL had dementia the FiL was dire and my wife and I often talked about how we couldn't understand his behaviour. We would never treat each other like that, why would he do this to her? It made my wife, and her brother and sister, question their feelings towards him in a hugely negative way. That relationship has not recovered, they remember every slight, comment, scold etc.

Once was enough for me. I really feel for those who have been through, and still are now, multiple cases. It's a tough and draining gig.

One of the ways that this thread helps, apart from unloading, is that it makes you realise you are 100% not alone. The problems you are going through are repeated all over, whether it's the person with dementia or their partners. It was good to know, when we were in this situation, that our problems were anything but unique.

 

[Tashyboy]

Sat at the nursing home as I type. Listening to the singer. Singing blue suede shoes, MIL enjoying the music whilst Missis T gives FIL a shave. Me, Ave arranged to go out with Shirley over Xmas. “ on the P*** “ as she puts it. she is 83

 

[Tashyboy]

Might be a few months before I am back on this thread. FIL passed away in the nursing home today in which he has been in since June. He was a shadow of himself.
missis T wished that he was not on his own when he went North. He had all his family by his side.
Got to say this thread has been the forum at its very very best and has been a massive help so many thanks from Mr and Missis T.
Cuddles time for Missis T.

 

[williamalex1]

Might be a few months before I am back on this thread. FIL passed away in the nursing home today in which he has been in since June. He was a shadow of himself.
missis T wished that he was not on his own when he went North. He had all his family by his side.
Got to say this thread has been the forum at its very very best and has been a massive help so many thanks from Mr and Missis T.
Cuddles time for Missis T.

You both did your best in difficult times.