Dementia Awareness

[Hobbit]

I've started volunteering at my local hospital. Prior to this no experience of dementia. Mum died young and Dad in his 80's still bright as a button. It's been an eye opener for sure and I feel for anyone going through it, and their loved ones having to deal with the impact. Some seem lost in a world that's a good place but many in a dark, scary place. I'll admit to saying to my husband "if that's ever me...finish me off" unless I'm in the happy place where my world isn't reality but I'm enjoying the ride!

There tends to be phases to the condition. My (beautiful) mother-in-law was incredibly intelligent. Whether it was maths, English literature, French or Latin she could do it with her eyes closed. To watch her do the Times crossword, seriously wow! As she started to realise she was losing her grip, depression set in. Once through that phase she was incredibly happy with life.

Unfortunately, one of the things she lost was the social graces. Imagine being sat in the restaurant with someone who was so prim and proper, and then they pick up their steak with their hands and start gnawing it loudly. And then being slightly deaf, she loudly says “look at that fat cow stuffing her face…” She was oblivious, whilst we had to manage countless situations.

Well done and good luck Amanda.

 

[AmandaJR]

There tends to be phases to the condition. My (beautiful) mother-in-law was incredibly intelligent. Whether it was maths, English literature, French or Latin she could do it with her eyes closed. To watch her do the Times crossword, seriously wow! As she started to realise she was losing her grip, depression set in. Once through that phase she was incredibly happy with life.

Unfortunately, one of the things she lost was the social graces. Imagine being sat in the restaurant with someone who was so prim and proper, and then they pick up their steak with their hands and start gnawing it loudly. And then being slightly deaf, she loudly says “look at that fat cow stuffing her face…” She was oblivious, whilst we had to manage countless situations.

Well done and good luck Amanda.

I have to say there have been many different interractions and a couple of really funny ones. A delightful lady, in her happy world, broke into a huge smile as I walked in and said "are you here to help". Rather warily I said "yes". She then embarked on a long, animated tale about how she'd eaten two lunches as the patient opposite didn't want hers. She kept pushing the plates and trays towards me and I realised she thought I was there to take them away. I said, loudly, a few times "oh no I'm here with the book trolley" at which she said "pud, pud trolley...oh no my love I couldn't eat anything else, I'm full"

 

[Hobbit]

I have to say there have been many different interractions and a couple of really funny ones. A delightful lady, in her happy world, broke into a huge smile as I walked in and said "are you here to help". Rather warily I said "yes". She then embarked on a long, animated tale about how she'd eaten two lunches as the patient opposite didn't want hers. She kept pushing the plates and trays towards me and I realised she thought I was there to take them away. I said, loudly, a few times "oh no I'm here with the book trolley" at which she said "pud, pud trolley...oh no my love I couldn't eat anything else, I'm full"

Sometimes you just have to smile… we visited one day to find her playing dominoes with 3 other ladies. They were having a lively, animated conversation. All 4 were talking about 4 different topics. And to cap it all, not one single dominoe matched the one it had been put next to. Surreal game but they were all happy.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Sometimes you just have to smile… we visited one day to find her playing dominoes with 3 other ladies. They were having a lively, animated conversation. All 4 were talking about 4 different topics. And to cap it all, not one single dominoe matched the one it had been put next to. Surreal game but they were all happy.

Smile is exactly what you have to do.

Correcting people with dementia is the worst thing anyone can do, not making that comment for you. If they are happy, not stressed, then everything is good. Your description sounds fabulous, and repeated in care homes all over the country

 

[Hobbit]

Smile is exactly what you have to do.

Correcting people with dementia is the worst thing anyone can do, not making that comment for you. If they are happy, not stressed, then everything is good. Your description sounds fabulous, and repeated in care homes all over the country

Absolutely don’t confront a belief they have. See post #2. They struggle and get frustrated sometimes, and confronting just makes it worse for them. Chances are you’re discussing something and nothing anyway. Better letting them believe they’re right - it bolsters them.

 

[Tashyboy]

Not gonna lie but the last couple of days have been purgatory. Called in to see in-laws yesterday and bottom line MIL was in a mess. Flood's of tears, the works.Thursday to Saturday night FIL had been on his evening walkabouts, getting on buses etc. Monday morning he was on the 6.00am bus going home. Again he went on his walks during the day whilst we were there and I ended up picking him up through his I tag tracker. Took him to his house where he lived 75 year ago. He was shocked when a woman told him she has lived there for 23 years. Was even more shocked when she said her name was Kathryn the same as his wifes Name.
As we were leaving The in laws MIL popped to the toilet. After 5 mins a panicked shout from MIL took Missis T upstairs. Suffice to say. MIL ended up in hospital at 10.00 pm last night. BIL came over from Lincoln to look after FIL.
Missis T got in at 6.45 this morning, I took kids to school and Missis T was up at 9.15 am. MIL has been admitted to hospital for a few days. And somehow we managed to get FIL Into a nursing home. Bottom line me heads a shed. Issis T told me to go golfing today but how can you. Missis T said it was easier to get her dad in a home than she thought it would be but I don’t think she had prepared herself emotionally. They shed a few tears.
He is in the best place now, how long for watch this space but flippin eck it’s been a knackering two days.

 

[RichA]

Sounds tough. At least family are rallying round a bit.
Hope you all get some stability out of it.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Based on past posts @Tashyboy it's where your fil should have been some time ago. There he is safe, will be looked after 24hrs a day in a way your MiL plus family could never do. It simply isn't possible at the stage he is at. It is best for him and all of those around him.

Hopefully you all get a bit of a rest now. I get the next battle is your MiL wanting him out and home. Best of luck on that front. Hopefully sense will prevail.

 

[Tashyboy]

Based on past posts @Tashyboy it's where your fil should have been some time ago. There he is safe, will be looked after 24hrs a day in a way your MiL plus family could never do. It simply isn't possible at the stage he is at. It is best for him and all of those around him.

Hopefully you all get a bit of a rest now. I get the next battle is your MiL wanting him out and home. Best of luck on that front. Hopefully sense will prevail.

Missis T has just got off the phone to MIL. She has the camera down her throat tomorrow. She is bored MissisT has told her to relax and recharge. Gonna be interesting when she comes out.

 

[Robster59]

Sounds like you've been having a hell of a time Tashy. I agree with everything @Lord Tyrion has said. The nursing home is the best place for your FiL. And I'm glad it is a nurrsing home, rather than a Care home, as they are better placed to look after someone with Dementia. You have done everything you could do, and more. If he is anything like my FiL, he may not have wanted to go in but you will find that he will more than likely settle in quite quickly. He will have people of his own age around him, and they will be able to talk together about things they remember from years ago. As the nurse said with my FiL, they can talk about something one day, forget about it the following day, and talk about the whole thing all over again. . My missus tried to call in regularly to see her dad at first, and of course he would say he didn't like it and wanted to go home. But then the head nurse said leave it longer between visits to give him time to settle in. We did this and he integrated better and, next time we saw him, he was happy to see us but he wanted to get back as there was something going on inside that he was going to with "the boys" (average age 70+).
You've done the right thing for everyone. Your FiL gets the right care, and the stress levels for everyone will go down. If I remember from your earlier posts, the next challenge is your MiL, but at least it is one less thing to worry about.
Now you can at least relax for a bit. Take some time for yourselves. It takes a time for the feeling of responsibility to go, and I know for myself I would take the FiL out for a daily walk and I kept thinking I had to go out, even when he had gone. Everything will feel strange but that's just life getting back to normal.
Good luck to you both.

 

[Tashyboy]

Sounds like you've been having a hell of a time Tashy. I agree with everything @Lord Tyrion has said. The nursing home is the best place for your FiL. And I'm glad it is a nurrsing home, rather than a Care home, as they are better placed to look after someone with Dementia. You have done everything you could do, and more. If he is anything like my FiL, he may not have wanted to go in but you will find that he will more than likely settle in quite quickly. He will have people of his own age around him, and they will be able to talk together about things they remember from years ago. As the nurse said with my FiL, they can talk about something one day, forget about it the following day, and talk about the whole thing all over again. . My missus tried to call in regularly to see her dad at first, and of course he would say he didn't like it and wanted to go home. But then the head nurse said leave it longer between visits to give him time to settle in. We did this and he integrated better and, next time we saw him, he was happy to see us but he wanted to get back as there was something going on inside that he was going to with "the boys" (average age 70+).
You've done the right thing for everyone. Your FiL gets the right care, and the stress levels for everyone will go down. If I remember from your earlier posts, the next challenge is your MiL, but at least it is one less thing to worry about.
Now you can at least relax for a bit. Take some time for yourselves. It takes a time for the feeling of responsibility to go, and I know for myself I would take the FiL out for a daily walk and I kept thinking I had to go out, even when he had gone. Everything will feel strange but that's just life getting back to normal.
Good luck to you both.

Cheers Robster, me and Missis T are off for afternoon tea later for a hour or so chill then straight to the hospital to see MIL. We will see how that goes And take It from there.

 

[Tashyboy]

Been up to the care home earlier To see FIL. Bottom line he is in the best place and as has been suggested on this thread numerous times, he should have gone in months ago. He is getting stimulation, more than he ever did with the MIL who is still in hospital. Missis T never recognised him from behind because for the last 3 days he has been outside in the garden and caught the sun. My thoughts and appreciation really go to the staff in the nursing/ care homes coz they do a brilliant possibly thankless task.
Not gonna line I had a bit of a sad moment seeing Missis Ts dad like that but she kinda takes things in her stride. We have sat down for an hour or so discussing the rocky rd we are walking and bridges we have to cross. It seems one problem solved, another half a dozen crop up. This thread has been fantastic re advice and helping to see things ahead on the rocky rd so many thanks from Mr and Missis T

 

[RichA]

Been up to the care home earlier To see FIL. Bottom line he is in the best place and as has been suggested on this thread numerous times, he should have gone in months ago. He is getting stimulation, more than he ever did with the MIL who is still in hospital. Missis T never recognised him from behind because for the last 3 days he has been outside in the garden and caught the sun. My thoughts and appreciation really go to the staff in the nursing/ care homes coz they do a brilliant possibly thankless task.
Not gonna line I had a bit of a sad moment seeing Missis Ts dad like that but she kinda takes things in her stride. We have sat down for an hour or so discussing the rocky rd we are walking and bridges we have to cross. It seems one problem solved, another half a dozen crop up. This thread has been fantastic re advice and helping to see things ahead on the rocky rd so many thanks from Mr and Missis T

Good to hear. Where is he?

 

[Robster59]

Great to hear Tashy. The good thing about this is that you can see he is in a place better suited to his needs. That will make both of you feel better, and take away some of the natural guilt you will feel at him being placed there. Sometimes the best decisions can be the hardest. Keep your head up and you'll get over all the hurdles and get back to a normal life going forward.

 

[clubchamp98]

Yes when my mum had dementia my dad was the biggest problem.

Generation thing maybe ,but when she was in respite she was quite happy
Your MIL will need persuading he’s in the best place “ for him”
She will feel very alone.
all the best .

 

[Tashyboy]

Good to hear. Where is he?

He is actually in one of the nearest places to where he lives in Forest Town that has a specialist dementia carers. When it quickly went tits up on Monday, the social services were useless. First thing Tuesday morning. Missis T rang FIL social worker and still no response so she rang the emergency team. Within 45 mins they had found a place.

 

[RichA]

He is actually in one of the nearest places to where he lives in Forest Town that has a specialist dementia carers. When it quickly went tits up on Monday, the social services were useless. First thing Tuesday morning. Missis T rang FIL social worker and still no response so she rang the emergency team. Within 45 mins they had found a place.

I've never had a good experience with social services, professionally or privately. Glad it's sorted. Handy that it's close.
I hope your MiL is accepting. When it happened to us, Dad quickly figured out it was much safer for both of them.

 

[Tashyboy]

I've never had a good experience with social services, professionally or privately. Glad it's sorted. Handy that it's close.
I hope your MiL is accepting. When it happened to us, Dad quickly figured out it was much safer for both of them.

There’s a good possibility that MIL will be out of hospital today so she will be having a reality check. The problem is that when we mentioned to the car home re what we were doing in fetching him from his bus travels, the violent episodes etc they were astonished. Now part of it was because she never did anything proactive with him. Under the coffee table was a list or timetable of what you could and should during the day. She/ they never did one single thing. So he would sit on the settee all day, sleep and then evening time he is out burning off energy. missis T and others then had to pick up the pieces coz the phone call would say “ yer dad has got on a bus”. She wouldn’t even follow him.
With that in mind we know she is going to be lonely, she knows it but her answer is everyone can pop round and see her. We will to an extent, but being retired and having four parents and grandkids to look after is time consuming. So you have to spread the love.
Short term, the care home that FIL is in has said he can stay forever, brilliant news but his money will get hammered to pay for his care. MIL is desperate to get jobs done on the house and Ave told Missis T she has a week to sort it out otherwise all of the FILs brass will be gone and she has shot it.

 

[Robster59]

There’s a good possibility that MIL will be out of hospital today so she will be having a reality check. The problem is that when we mentioned to the car home re what we were doing in fetching him from his bus travels, the violent episodes etc they were astonished. Now part of it was because she never did anything proactive with him. Under the coffee table was a list or timetable of what you could and should during the day. She/ they never did one single thing. So he would sit on the settee all day, sleep and then evening time he is out burning off energy. missis T and others then had to pick up the pieces coz the phone call would say “ yer dad has got on a bus”. She wouldn’t even follow him.
With that in mind we know she is going to be lonely, she knows it but her answer is everyone can pop round and see her. We will to an extent, but being retired and having four parents and grandkids to look after is time consuming. So you have to spread the love.
Short term, the care home that FIL is in has said he can stay forever, brilliant news but his money will get hammered to pay for his care. MIL is desperate to get jobs done on the house and Ave told Missis T she has a week to sort it out otherwise all of the FILs brass will be gone and she has shot it.

Crikey Tash. You're having a real time of it. Am I right in guessing our FiL has done everything for her over the years, and now the shoe is on the other foot she can't/won't hack it? She still expects to have everything done for her? That's a tough one. I wish I could give you some advice on that, but hopefully there are other people on here who could help.

 

[clubchamp98]

Crikey Tash. You're having a real time of it. Am I right in guessing our FiL has done everything for her over the years, and now the shoe is on the other foot she can't/won't hack it? She still expects to have everything done for her? That's a tough one. I wish I could give you some advice on that, but hopefully there are other people on here who could help.

Yes I just don’t think some people realise what it takes to look after someone with dementia!
it’s physically demanding.
but mentally it can break you.