Dementia Awareness

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

Just on this one point (though I agree and feel all the rest)…as this is my brother-in-law.

My Mrs and I have come to understand that his behaviour is that of a narcissist. That sounds terrible…but it explains a lot about his behaviour over the last two decades, not just the last few years - possibly much longer. And now that we recognise that he seems to suffer from this mental illness/condition acceptance, and subsequently forgiveness, have been easier and possible.

How awful things can go so quickly.

When I posted the above on Sept 26 my BiL had suffered a more serious stroke and his mobility was very severely impacted. On top of his bone marrow cancer things were very tough for him. But he was fully aware of what was going on as he was admitted to hospital, and was fully able to communicate his thoughts and wishes. In the not two weeks since, his condition has plummeted to the extent that he is unable to swallow (so no food or drink) and over the last 3-4 days he has not been able to speak, and his awareness of us when visiting; his hospital surroundings, and more sadly (or not as the case may be ) of his very poor condition seems to have just…gone…and each day we fear the worst is not far…

It is so very difficult for my wife, may not be dementia as such, but I’m thinking the manifestations of his condition are very similar. My heart goes out to all here and those they know and love who are having to cope in difficult times. Meanwhile all I can do is be up in Chesterfield with my wife and do what I can do…and in truth that’s not much.

 

[clubchamp98]

How awful things can go so quickly.

When I posted the above on Sept 26 my BiL had suffered a more serious stroke and his mobility was very severely impacted. On top of his bone marrow cancer things were very tough for him. But he was fully aware of what was going on as he was admitted to hospital, and was fully able to communicate his thoughts and wishes. In the not two weeks since, his condition has plummeted to the extent that he is unable to swallow (so no food or drink) and over the last 3-4 days he has not been able to speak, and his awareness of us when visiting; his hospital surroundings, and more sadly (or not as the case may be ) of his very poor condition seems to have just…gone…and each day we fear the worst is not far…

It is so very difficult for my wife, may not be dementia as such, but I’m thinking the manifestations of his condition are very similar. My heart goes out to all here and those they know and love who are having to cope in difficult times. Meanwhile all I can do is be up in Chesterfield with my wife and do what I can do…and in truth that’s not much.

That’s a very difficult thing to see.
Helplessness is a very hard thing to feel.

Hope he dosnt suffer for to long and the worst might be a godsend to him.
But not for the family.
Try to remember him as he was.

 

[Tashyboy]

SILH. I remember when FIL had to go into a home. MIL had to have a Masectomy and he could not stay at home on his home. We feared the worse with him going in. It could not of gone better. However he wasn’t from wandering off and walking miles a day to just sitting in a chair overnight. It was heartbreaking to see that it looked like he had fell off a cliff.
Thoughts with you at this time SILH.

 

[Robster59]

Definitely my thoughts are with you. I've seen that happen with both my Mother and my Father in Law. They went into hospital and never recovered. Sadly it was only a matter of weeks before they passed away but such was the deterioration in their condition that I felt it was a blessing and a release for them.

 

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

Helen has just taken a call from the consultant looking after my BiL after his morning assessment. She was asked, as next of kin, if he could move Dave to end of life care. Dave’s situation now, with such a rapid deterioration, make it the best for him, keep him comfortable.

We rather expected to hear that this morning, but it just so sad. Dave has battled hard to cope with everything thrown at him over the last three years - we suspect and rather hope that the final stretch won’t be long. My wife then has the difficult decision as to whether or not she should tell her mum. I suspect she won’t as her mum is, herself, in a care home, very frail and not fully understanding things and not knowing how much Dave’s condition has deteriorated.

Thanks to all for the understanding and the kind and supportive words.

 

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

And so sadly yesterday afternoon my BiL lost the fight. We'd left his hospital bedside to go for something to eat and to get a bit of fresh air…and whilst on our walk my wife received the call. The nurse who was with him when he passed said it often seemed to be like that. So sad. It was not a couple of weeks ago he was up and about with us at home in my MiLs house. After near three years of a struggle, so sudden and so quick in the end. Dave..just 67 - RIP.

My wife now has the pain of what to say, if anything, to their mum in the care home. At 94 and being really very frail with ongoing dementia, she may not realise that Helen hasn’t visited for nearly two weeks as Dave contracted covid which kept us out of the care home and we focussed on Dave. She doesn’t know how his health collapsed over the last 2-3 weeks….so my wife might not tell her that he’s gone…but we will go and visit her today. In any case her two favourite carers are on holiday this week so whatever we decide we probably won’t say anything until they are back.

 

[clubchamp98]

And so sadly yesterday afternoon my BiL lost the fight. We'd left his hospital bedside to go for something to eat and to get a bit of fresh air…and whilst on our walk my wife received the call. The nurse who was with him when he passed said it often seemed to be like that. So sad. It was not a couple of weeks ago he was up and about with us at home in my MiLs house. After near three years of a struggle, so sudden and so quick in the end. Dave..just 67 - RIP.

My wife now has the pain of what to say, if anything, to their mum in the care home. At 94 and being really very frail with ongoing dementia, she may not realise that Helen hasn’t visited for nearly two weeks as Dave contracted covid which kept us out of the care home and we focussed on Dave. She doesn’t know how his health collapsed over the last 2-3 weeks….so my wife might not tell her that he’s gone…but we will go and visit her today. In any case her two favourite carers are on holiday this week so whatever we decide we probably won’t say anything until they are back.

Very sad .
Sometimes not telling someone is the best thing to do unless she asks.!

 

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

Very sad .
Sometimes not telling someone is the best thing to do unless she asks.!

Visiting my MiL yesterday she spent most of our visit asking for David, my BiL. My wife did her best avoiding telling her. As we were about to leave I had a brief chat with the lead carer about what my MiL was saying…to be told that my MiL had been asking for David quite loudly and insistently for two days - very unusual and in fact quite new for her. It’s as if she seemed to sense something was very wrong with her son - she knew his condition was serious but didn’t know anything of his last four weeks rapid deterioration and passing on Tuesday.

The carer (who now knows my MiL pretty well) had been thinking overnight about what we might say or do…and she’d concluded we should tell her - if we felt we could. I got my wife out of MiLs room and we had a chat about it with the care lead and decided to tell. It was very difficult - but we knew that she was in very good and caring hands for when we left.

And today when we visit, because my MiL has dementia - though not advanced - we do not know if she’ll remember the conversation we had yesterday. We think, and hope, she will, as of course we do not wish to put her through the deep grief of yesterday in a retelling.

 

[clubchamp98]

Visiting my MiL yesterday she spent most of our visit asking for David, my BiL. My wife did her best avoiding telling her. As we were about to leave I had a brief chat with the lead carer about what my MiL was saying…to be told that my MiL had been asking for David quite loudly and insistently for two days - very unusual and in fact quite new for her. It’s as if she seemed to sense something was very wrong with her son.

The carer (who now knows my MiL pretty well) had been thinking overnight about what we might say or do…and she’d concluded we should tell her. I got my wife out of MiLs room and we three had a chat about it and decided to tell. It was very difficult - but we knew that she was in very good and caring hands for when we left.

And today when we visit, because my MiL has dementia - though not advanced - we do not know if she’ll remember the conversation we had yesterday. We think, and hope, she will, as of course we do not wish to put her through the deep grief of yesterday in a retelling.

That’s a very hard decision.
She has asked the question and I think you were right to tell her.
Time will tell if she understands .

Horrible thing to deal with.

 

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

That’s a very hard decision.
She has asked the question and I think you were right to tell her.
Time will tell if she understands .

Horrible thing to deal with.

Well…my wife visited her mum today…without me as I’m often just a (mildly) irritating diversion for my MiL some of the time. And not only did my MiL not mention her son Dave once, she had forgotten what she’d been told yesterday and didn’t once oask how he was - though something has registered from yesterday as she told my wife that my wife’s cousin had died…he hasn’t.

Who knows whether tomorrow she’ll remember, or whether she has to be told again. If the latter then one thing is that she won’t remember the pain and anguish of yesterday, though the thought of her going through it again is difficult. But at least it will be a bit easier for my wife to tell her the news of Dave.

Dementia….

 

[RichA]

Well…my wife visited her mum today…without me as I’m often just a (mildly) irritating diversion for my MiL some of the time. And not only did my MiL not mention her son Dave once, she had forgotten what she’d been told yesterday and didn’t once oask how he was - though something has registered from yesterday as she told my wife that my wife’s cousin had died…he hasn’t.

Who knows whether tomorrow she’ll remember, or whether she has to be told again. If the latter then one thing is that she won’t remember the pain and anguish of yesterday, though the thought of her going through it again is difficult. But at least it will be a bit easier for my wife to tell her the news of Dave.

Dementia….

I sympathise and can relate.
Dad seems to remember who is alive and who has died, even recent deaths, but struggles with false memories created in his dreams. He asked me last night if the rumours were true about me and MrsA's sister. He couldn't actually remember what the rumours were but as she doesn't have a sister I put it down to his dementia.

MrsA's mum often talks about her house and asks why she can't go home. She was told when it was put up for sale and was told when it was sold but we feel it would be cruel to keep telling her she hasn't got a house anymore.

MrsA's uncle calls my MiL every week and asks her if their younger sister has visited her yet. She died with MND 25 years ago. MiL remembers that and has no problem dealing with her brother's dementia while not recognising her own.

Dementia is complicated. All we can do is be kind and do what feels right, which might change from day to day.

 

[Tashyboy]

I sympathise and can relate.
Dad seems to remember who is alive and who has died, even recent deaths, but struggles with false memories created in his dreams. He asked me last night if the rumours were true about me and MrsA's sister. He couldn't actually remember what the rumours were but as she doesn't have a sister I put it down to his dementia.

MrsA's mum often talks about her house and asks why she can't go home. She was told when it was put up for sale and was told when it was sold but we feel it would be cruel to keep telling her she hasn't got a house anymore.

MrsA's uncle calls my MiL every week and asks her if their younger sister has visited her yet. She died with MND 25 years ago. MiL remembers that and has no problem dealing with her brother's dementia while not recognising her own.

Dementia is complicated. All we can do is be kind and do what feels right, which might change from day to day.

I couldn’t have put this any better.

 

[Robster59]

I meet a lady most mornings when I walk the dog. Chatted to her this morning and she asked me what time it was as the school buses weren't there as normal and I explained it was half-term. She told me that she has been diagnosed with Althzeimers. It's so hard to a statement like that out of the blue. I asked how she was doing, how she was being medicated and she seems OK. I noticed that she has been slowing down a little bit over the last few months and this probably explains it. She lives on her own so is naturally concerned. She is still active, walks the dog, goes out. Quite a few of us know her from walking the dog, so I am sure we will all keep an eye on her and her well being, but it is concerning.

 

[clubchamp98]

I meet a lady most mornings when I walk the dog. Chatted to her this morning and she asked me what time it was as the school buses weren't there as normal and I explained it was half-term. She told me that she has been diagnosed with Althzeimers. It's so hard to a statement like that out of the blue. I asked how she was doing, how she was being medicated and she seems OK. I noticed that she has been slowing down a little bit over the last few months and this probably explains it. She lives on her own so is naturally concerned. She is still active, walks the dog, goes out. Quite a few of us know her from walking the dog, so I am sure we will all keep an eye on her and her well being, but it is concerning.

Good neighbours are a godsend!

 

[RichA]

Good neighbours are a godsend!

Yep. Was about to say that community and kind neighbours are massively significant for folks like this, even if they do have relatives and a partner.

 

[Tashyboy]

Good neighbours are a godsend!

When the FIL was going on his evening walks, the neighbours were a godsend. They would keep an eye on him and we received lord knows how many phone calls saying he was off on his evening wander. Missis T would ring her mum who would confirm he had gone for a walk.
Guys would ring from the local pub and say “ your FIL is looking through the window again”. A couple of times I would go up to get him, but made out I was going to the pub ( I wasn’t ) and asked if he fancied a “slurp”. He did and I always bought

 

[Tashyboy]

I meet a lady most mornings when I walk the dog. Chatted to her this morning and she asked me what time it was as the school buses weren't there as normal and I explained it was half-term. She told me that she has been diagnosed with Althzeimers. It's so hard to a statement like that out of the blue. I asked how she was doing, how she was being medicated and she seems OK. I noticed that she has been slowing down a little bit over the last few months and this probably explains it. She lives on her own so is naturally concerned. She is still active, walks the dog, goes out. Quite a few of us know her from walking the dog, so I am sure we will all keep an eye on her and her well being, but it is concerning.

Robster, if she is walking her dog, somehow mention about getting an Apple AirTag. They are a lifesaver. If I was to give a top five advice on dementia, an AirTag would be in that list.
The lady walking her dog, it may well be a future highlight of the day, if not already. You are now one of those good neighbours we have mentioned.

 

[Tashyboy]

Oddly enough I have just got back from me mums to check there house as they are away on a cruise. Which I am not happy about. Now me dad apart from Alziehmers, dementia, triple by pass, Luekemia, COPD and knackered knees is well knackered. He is ok for 88. I wouldn’t have a problem about them being on holiday if I knew me mum was looking after him. So when me dad got lost at Alicante airport, when they got robbed of £200 at Benidorm, when they came back from a cruise and I picked them up at Southampton and he jumped in the car and said “ my Luekemia is back”. As it turns out he had a water infection which Missis T diagnosed when she used her works bladder scanner as he was retaining urine. Antibiotics sorted it within 2 days. He got the water infection on the second day of the cruise and me mum never said anything or took him to the drs, “coz you have to pay” what’s bloody holiday insurance for. She moaned it ruined the Holiday. Missis T said the water infection could have killed him because of his leukaemia as he cannot fight infections like normal folk.
So when I was checking the house Missis T said “ have you seen this”. On her calendar on the fridge “ 20th December Benidorm back 3 rd January”. She has not said a thing.

 

[Robster59]

Oddly enough I have just got back from me mums to check there house as they are away on a cruise. Which I am not happy about. Now me dad apart from Alziehmers, dementia, triple by pass, Luekemia, COPD and knackered knees is well knackered. He is ok for 88. I wouldn’t have a problem about them being on holiday if I knew me mum was looking after him. So when me dad got lost at Alicante airport, when they got robbed of £200 at Benidorm, when they came back from a cruise and I picked them up at Southampton and he jumped in the car and said “ my Luekemia is back”. As it turns out he had a water infection which Missis T diagnosed when she used her works bladder scanner as he was retaining urine. Antibiotics sorted it within 2 days. He got the water infection on the second day of the cruise and me mum never said anything or took him to the drs, “coz you have to pay” what’s bloody holiday insurance for. She moaned it ruined the Holiday. Missis T said the water infection could have killed him because of his leukaemia as he cannot fight infections like normal folk.
So when I was checking the house Missis T said “ have you seen this”. On her calendar on the fridge “ 20th December Benidorm back 3 rd January”. She has not said a thing.

You and your missus will have to look after yourselves or this is really going to affect your mentality badly. Your mum obviously only cares about herself. Is there anything you can do with your doctor that would effectively make it impossible/dangerous to travel abroad. I wonder how much the travel and insurance companies really know about his condition? You're not going to change your mum, but maybe you can do something to curtail her selfishness.

 

[Tashyboy]

You and your missus will have to look after yourselves or this is really going to affect your mentality badly. Your mum obviously only cares about herself. Is there anything you can do with your doctor that would effectively make it impossible/dangerous to travel abroad. I wonder how much the travel and insurance companies really know about his condition? You're not going to change your mum, but maybe you can do something to curtail her selfishness.

And few years ago me mum had to cancel an holiday because she had gall stones which meant Gall bladder removal. Muggins had to sort it all out. Anyway since then they have declared everything as far as I am aware. Her holiday insurance last year was £2500. Not got a clue how much this year is as I told her she/ they should not travel abroad. My auntie told me 2 weeks ago she enquired about a cruise to the Caribbean over Christmas and new year but the insurance want £2500 to increase European cover to cruise cover worldwide. She wouldn’t pay that so she has booked Benidorm.
The dementia support worker called me. Me mum had talked to her and basically told her a crock of crap. And basically lies. I told the dementia worker the truth. She commented that “ part of what me mum said didn’t ring true and furthermore me mum had told the worker some things that she couldn’t tell me under patient confidentiality”. She wanted to but she would not break that trust. Which although I totally understood. I was also bloody livid. It was the straw that broke the camels back.
Me and Missis T was in Oldham last weds seeing a couple of Aunties. One who was over from Australia.
( went back yesterday). It was a bit painful Listening to them when they was on about me mum. My dad they never said a word about. The sad thing is I couldn’t defend her. To give you an idea of what she is like.
We were in the Lake District with me mum and dad. We had taken them away again me and Missis T. Me mum said “ eee our Andrew Ave told you you wasn’t planned” ( which I have always known, me and missis T laugh that neither of us were planned pregnancies yet we are together). She then said “ but you never knew I tried getting rid of you with quinine and Mystic menstroids, it’s a good job they didn’t work as there’s only you and Missis T that takes us away out of my four kids”. I laughed at the time. But as time goes on I think why the bloody hell would you say something like that.
Me and my younger brother have said we will still go round to keep an eye on my dad but she is way down the list now.