Dementia Awareness

[Lord Tyrion]

On a theme to what @RichA posted, when my wife went in to see her mum recently she bought 2 rubbish womens magazines. She brought them out and her mum went through each one with an oo and an ah. I very much doubt that she knew who the people were but it didn't matter. They were a talking point, something to occupy her. After a while she then stood up and said that she was finished, 'did you have somewhere to go?', and then walked off to her room . In her case she is happy to have things going on around her, she doesn't always need to be involved. If you do want to involve her then you need to think what will grab her, not will interest us. She used to be an estate agent and loved trawling through the regional house selling section in the paper at a weekend. She would read it out to us back then so now it is an absolute slam dunk.

In essence, don't get hung up on entertaining the person you are going to visit with a fascinating monologue. Simply being there is the thing and they are not going to judge you based on the quality of your chat. The music idea is a cracker, I will suggest that to my wife .

@Robster59 couldn't agree more regarding social services. Utterly useless in our experience as well, along with the allotted person who is responsbile for dementia in our area. The health service and systems do not deal well with this illness.

 

[RichA]

The social worker became our best friend and advocate when they realised that mum's care might be fully funded by the NHS. Before that, when dad was caring for mum at home, nothing.
A word of warning about magazines, newspapers, books and photographs - there might come a time when your relative lacks the memory to finish reading a sentence or the ability to recognise loved ones in photos. At that point, with mum, they became a source of upset and stress. Up until the day she became unresponsive, music still provided some pleasure.

 

[clubchamp98]

The social worker became our best friend and advocate when they realised that mum's care might be fully funded by the NHS. Before that, when dad was caring for mum at home, nothing.
A word of warning about magazines, newspapers, books and photographs - there might come a time when your relative lacks the memory to finish reading a sentence or the ability to recognise loved ones in photos. At that point, with mum, they became a source of upset and stress. Up until the day she became unresponsive, music still provided some pleasure.

Yes my mum could not remember what she had for dinner.
But put a Nat King Cole song on and she was singing along knew all the words.
Strange thing.

 

[Deleted member 16999]

Another poem, not Dementia, but the words just resonated with me.

 

[Piece]

Today is the day I see my Dad in his care home for the first time. I haven't seen him for a few months, not since he was taken from his home to hospital and then to straight to the care home. I am looking forward to it, but on the other hand, I'm not. Will he know me? What will he look like? Who knows. The key thing is that I'm going and he's in the right place.

 

[RichA]

Today is the day I see my Dad in his care home for the first time. I haven't seen him for a few months, not since he was taken from his home to hospital and then to straight to the care home. I am looking forward to it, but on the other hand, I'm not. Will he know me? What will he look like? Who knows. The key thing is that I'm going and he's in the right place.

Good luck man. Manage your expectations. Arrive jolly. Enjoy the time together. Leave him jolly.

 

[clubchamp98]

Today is the day I see my Dad in his care home for the first time. I haven't seen him for a few months, not since he was taken from his home to hospital and then to straight to the care home. I am looking forward to it, but on the other hand, I'm not. Will he know me? What will he look like? Who knows. The key thing is that I'm going and he's in the right place.

Take a few things with you.
Things he liked to do from years ago.
It stirs the memories.
My mum liked dark chocolate I took her some every time I saw her.

 

[Piece]

Today is the day I see my Dad in his care home for the first time. I haven't seen him for a few months, not since he was taken from his home to hospital and then to straight to the care home. I am looking forward to it, but on the other hand, I'm not. Will he know me? What will he look like? Who knows. The key thing is that I'm going and he's in the right place.

It was a good visit. He recognised my Mum and me without prompting. We brought in a Watford plate he liked, plus his old Sylvester the cat toy. He knew where he was and was happy to listen. He thanked us for coming in.

Thanks for the good words chaps.

 

[Robster59]

Just a small update about the Father in Law. He's now been in for just short of a month and seems to be accepting this is where he is. He says the nursing staff are great, and they look after him really well. He looks well, and he's getting the complete care that he really needs. Mentally you can see he's not really all there, but you can still have limited conversations with him, although he's at that stage where the conversation does come back round again as he forgets we've talked about it before.
We took him out for a drive on Sunday which he really enjoyed, but as we were taking him back to the home I could see him getting emotional, and he gave me as close to a hug as he's ever given me. The other half said he had tears in his eyes when he was going in. Not, I think, because he's badly treated but for the last 20 years he's been living with us and now only sees us twice a week.
It's hard, but I would say we have done what is best both for him and us.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Just a small update about the Father in Law. He's now been in for just short of a month and seems to be accepting this is where he is. He says the nursing staff are great, and they look after him really well. He looks well, and he's getting the complete care that he really needs. Mentally you can see he's not really all there, but you can still have limited conversations with him, although he's at that stage where the conversation does come back round again as he forgets we've talked about it before.
We took him out for a drive on Sunday which he really enjoyed, but as we were taking him back to the home I could see him getting emotional, and he gave me as close to a hug as he's ever given me. The other half said he had tears in his eyes when he was going in. Not, I think, because he's badly treated but for the last 20 years he's been living with us and now only sees us twice a week.
It's hard, but I would say we have done what is best both for him and us.

How are you and your wife finding your new found freedom? Does it feel weird or are you managing to enjoy it?

 

[Robster59]

How are you and your wife finding your new found freedom? Does it feel weird or are you managing to enjoy it?

Still getting used to it. The next step now is to get the house ready for sale. It's too big for the two of us so there's still lots going on. She's still very stressed and is off work at the moment.

 

[Tashyboy]

.me and Missis T have had a good few days away. Her phone had not stopped ringing from her father. He is a lot better but he cannot find his wife ( who is sat in the house) to tell her. His words.
Daughter called us to say she spoke to Missis Ts mum. FIL feels he is ready to drive again. Car is sat on drive and his psychiatrist feels it is OK to sit there.

 

[Robster59]

.me and Missis T have had a good few days away. Her phone had not stopped ringing from her father. He is a lot better but he cannot find his wife ( who is sat in the house) to tell her. His words.
Daughter called us to say she spoke to Missis Ts mum. FIL feels he is ready to drive again. Car is sat on drive and his psychiatrist feels it is OK to sit there.

That surprises me that he says that's ok. I can't remember. Has his licence been taken away? We got the doctor to take away our FiLs licence and even though he's in a home he still thinks he could drive again.
I do feel for you as even a planned few days break can't be relaxing in that situation.

 

[Tashyboy]

That surprises me that he says that's ok. I can't remember. Has his licence been taken away? We got the doctor to take away our FiLs licence and even though he's in a home he still thinks he could drive again.
I do feel for you as even a planned few days break can't be relaxing in that situation.

He has defffo had his licence taken away but he has forgot. But he feels ready to drive. Missis T had another 3 phone calls after i posted last night.

 

[Robster59]

Another update on my Father-in-Law. He's now totally settled into his care home, and we see him a couple of times a week and take him out in the car once every 1 or 2 weeks. He's very well looked after, the staff all seem fantastic, and he's actually looking really well, although mentally you can really see him deteriorating. So he is definitely in the best place for him.

The other interesting challenge has been cancelling his phone, mobile and alarm service. All were told on the day of his moving into the care home, but amazingly we still got bills! We had to produce a letter from the Care Home for O2 to prove he wasn't moving to another provider but definitely going into a Care Home. It's funny that when they want you to sign up for them, it can be done in a few minutes. When you want to cancel, it's a totally different challenge. Twice now I've asked for the FiL's personal alarm to be taken back, which it hasn't, and now we've received a bill for the service. Lots of these organisations just don't talk to each other.

For the Social Worker who has been assigned to us, my other half has put in a complaint as to his behaviour. He was making judgements with no background, trying to force 24 hour care on us (to save funding) and when he came to see her last time (the first time he had come around actually), he saw the granny flat he was living in and asked her if we were going to rent it out! He was asking some totally unnecessary questions and after the meeting my missus called the office to register a formal complaint and say she would not deal with him again. She spoke to his line manager and made a formal complaint to him and explained all the questions he was asking. Everyone who met this person (Doctor, Head of the Care Home as well as ourselves) also took a dislike to him as he seemed more concerned about the costs than the patient.

My missus is off with stress at the moment and I have to tread carefully as you never quite know what might tip her over. I can understand why so all I can do is try to support her as best I can.

My next challenge is dealing with my brother about my Mum who is 97, nearly 98. I went to see her last week for the first time in 18 months and whilst physically OK she is mentally getting worse. She is still only getting carers around once a day, and we said to my brother that needs to be upped. He says he asked Mum, but she doesn't want strangers in her house. I said to him that she is now at a stage where she needs to be advised as to what is happening, not just asked. I know from dealing with my FiL that the one thing people in that condition want, is for the next day to be the same as the last. They don't like change, so you have to really take a stronger position for their own good. That will be more difficult as making by brother change his mind from 200 miles away is going to be a real challenge. I'm going to ask for the details of Mum's social worker and speak to them direct as I don't think my brother is in a good mental place at the moment.

All interesting times!

 

[Tashyboy]

Don’t really know where to start.
FiL agreed to sell the caravan. 3 months later than he should of done. Anyway it kicked off big style when a company turned up to take the van away for a window repair. He was in my face shouting, effin amd jeffin “that no ones taking his van away“. No one has told him ( his words) don’t know how many times he had been told. Eventually it went. Received a phone call an hour later off MiL re the company that repaired the window were interested in buying the caravan. Not now, it is riddled with damp. Yet according to in laws it’s mint condition.
I went a couple of weeks ago and he has a 13kg gas bottle that has gas in it. He wants rid. I said I would take it away if it’s a problem, I could use it on me BBQ. “ how much is it worth” was the reply from in laws. I chased around and said brand new it’s £38 Refill. I said “ look if you want rid al give you £20”. I was reminded it’s got gas in. Missis T, and sis in law went mad. Sis in law told in laws that Tash runs round like a *** for you and you want £20 off him. It bogged me off they were looking for a bit more off me by involving sis in law. After that they rang there son to say “ someone has offered £20”. They did not mention me. bro in law said get rid, it gets rid of a problem.So they rang and said “ it’s your for £20. Missis T went ballistic. Bro in law is seething. He gave FIL a £400 greenhouse and we built it for nowt. He paid nowt. Missis T ordered me a gas bottle from a supplier.
Missis T is livid with her mum.
Me and Missis Ts sisters husband have told them both we are taking a backward step. We are not here to be abused. Me and bro in law are of the ilk that one day soon FIL will end up hitting someone. We don’t mind Helping and getting involved but MIL acts like she is paralysed from the neck down and does nowt.
Me and Missis T have had a cracking couple of days in Derbyshire. Saturday night for a wedding.. Today is her birthday. The phone has rang 3 times today re the caravan being dropped off tomorrow. Her mum who lives in the same village has posted her birthday card coz Missis T could not pick it up. She rang last Friday for our address. We have live here 29 years in the same bloody village.
FIL will get the support he needs from family for the foreseeable future but MiL is burning a lot of bridges.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Tough read @Tashyboy . Is your MiL okay or is it just how she is? I guess I am asking could she have issues as well that explains how she is behaving towards you? Very sad, it's sad whichever way, if not and this is just how she treats you all.

We have just been away for a weekend in N. Yorkshire with another couple. Lovely break, it's been great for my wife to get away. Last night she had a phone call from her dad moaning about everything, it's his hobby, and this morning a call from her sister moaning about the care home the MiL is in and what is my wife going to do about it. All the good work of the weekend gone in minutes . Families...........

On the upside, similar to @Robster59 MiL has been in her care home for about 4 weeks now. Settled instantly, she is clean, hair brushed, clean clothes, eating, drinking, not stressed. Soooooo much better for all concerned, her especially. Anyone thinking about putting someone with dementia into a home, stop thinking and do it.

 

[Tashyboy]

It’s just how she is LT. It is how she has always been. Bloody useless hits the nail on the head. Missis T was telling everyone last week I was upset with how the FIL was towards me. I wasn’t upset I was bloody livid and it took all my will power to stop myself from losing it. Bro in law does not need an excuse to have hold of him after he gave his wife a slapping years ago. That’s another story.
Missis T rang her mum to say she will be taking them for when the caravan is returned. Her Mum never even said happy birthday. Cannot tell you Missis Ts thoughts. Missis T has txt everyone to say thanks for pressies. Her dad replied saying “Happy Birthday”.
He sent another Txt saying “ love you”. Immediately he sent another saying “ tell your mother I love her as well”. She is sat at the side of her and he don’t recognise her.
The caravan guy said the caravan is riddled with damp, I had a good natter with him. He said it is good for spares, repairs and growing mushrooms. That’s gonna go down really well tomorrow.

 

[Piece]

Saw my Dad a few days ago with one of my sisters. He wasn't looking great all, barely able to move or function.

Today, I got the message he had passed away peacefully. ?

RIP Dad x

 

[Tashyboy]

Saw my Dad a few days ago with one of my sisters. He wasn't looking great all, barely able to move or function.

Today, I got the message he had passed away peacefully. ?

RIP Dad x

Last week has been a week to forget re FIL.
Thoughts with you me man.