Norrin Radd
Tour Winner
so come on Phil ,which jokes are making you ping the odd stitch?
Cheer me up guys!
- Thread starter PhilTheFragger
- Start date
PhilTheFragger
Provider of Entertainment for the Golfing Gods 🙄
I'm genuinely tickled, particularly liked Srixon 1 's tale about Imurgs 6 iron
But on a technical note, I have staples not stitches , harder to pop 😎
But on a technical note, I have staples not stitches , harder to pop 😎
Khamelion
Tour Winner
Two nuns, riding push bikes to the convert take a wrong turn down a cobbled street, one with a huge smile on her face turns to the other and says, "Have you come this way before?"
Liverbirdie
Ryder Cup Winner
Oh yes you can, but you can't wash them in a Buffalo……..
Well spotted, cockernee geezer.
Smiffy
Grand Slam Winner
Little boy given a pirates outfit for his birthday. In a hurry, he gets all dressed up in it and goes outside to play. His mates are not around so he's on his own swishing his sword around when a lady walks past.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm a pirate" he says.
"Where are your buccaneers?" she says.
"Under my bucking hat" he replies......
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm a pirate" he says.
"Where are your buccaneers?" she says.
"Under my bucking hat" he replies......
JohnnyDee
Tour Winner
Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says - does this taste funny to you?
PS bloke in the next bed wants to buy your clubs 😀
PS bloke in the next bed wants to buy your clubs 😀
Smiffy
Grand Slam Winner
Two cannibals eating a missionary.
One says to the other "you having a good time?"
"Yeah, I'm having a ball"
"Well slow down, you're eating too fast, I'm only up to his knee"
One says to the other "you having a good time?"
"Yeah, I'm having a ball"
"Well slow down, you're eating too fast, I'm only up to his knee"
JohnnyDee
Tour Winner
Bloke walks into a bar in Glasgow and orders a pint of heavy and a pie.
Drinks the pint in one and karate chops the pie in two and wolfs it down.
He repeats his order, does the same again and then goes off to the Loo.
One of the regulars has been watching this and asks the barman "Is that Kung fu?"
"No, he's only had two pints," says barman.
Drinks the pint in one and karate chops the pie in two and wolfs it down.
He repeats his order, does the same again and then goes off to the Loo.
One of the regulars has been watching this and asks the barman "Is that Kung fu?"
"No, he's only had two pints," says barman.
JohnnyDee
Tour Winner
So the Pope goes on a tour of USA back in the 60s and gets off the plane. Crowd goes bonkers chanting Elvis, Elvis Elvis!! Pope says, "I nota Elvis, I'm a de Pope!"
Driving to Washington crowds lining the roads chanting Elvis, Elvis Elvis!! Pope says, "I nota Elvis, I'm a de Pope!"
Get to hotel crowds outside chanting Elvis, Elvis Elvis!! Pope says, "I nota Elvis, I'm a de Pope!"
Goes up to the suite and there are two girls waiting for him. "Hi Elvis," they say.
Pope says:
"Well it's a-one for the money...!"
Driving to Washington crowds lining the roads chanting Elvis, Elvis Elvis!! Pope says, "I nota Elvis, I'm a de Pope!"
Get to hotel crowds outside chanting Elvis, Elvis Elvis!! Pope says, "I nota Elvis, I'm a de Pope!"
Goes up to the suite and there are two girls waiting for him. "Hi Elvis," they say.
Pope says:
"Well it's a-one for the money...!"
D
Deleted member 18645
Guest
Egg and a sausage in a frying pan. Egg says "God it's hot in here". Sausage says, "blimey a talking egg"
PhilTheFragger
Provider of Entertainment for the Golfing Gods 🙄
Chortle 👍👍👍
Leftie
Tour Winner
Do you know Jack Schmidt?
Jack Schmidt is the son of Awe Schmidt and Oh Schmidt. Awe Schmidt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schmidt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schmidt Inn. Jack Schmidt married Noe Schmidt and they had six children. Holy Schmidt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schmidt and Dip Schmidt, two daughters, Fulla Schmidt and Giva Schmidt, then another son, Bull Schmidt. Deep Schmidt married Dumb Schmidt, a high school dropout. Dip Schmidt married Lotta Schmidt and they have a son named Chicken Schmidt. Fulla Schmidt and Giva Schmidt married the Happens brothers. The Schmidt-Happens children are Dawg Schmidt, Byrd Schmidt, and Horace Schmidt. Bull Schmidt just married a spicy little number named Pisa Schmidt and they are awaiting the arrival of their first Baby Schmidt. Now... you know the story of Jack Schmidt !!!
Jack Schmidt is the son of Awe Schmidt and Oh Schmidt. Awe Schmidt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schmidt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schmidt Inn. Jack Schmidt married Noe Schmidt and they had six children. Holy Schmidt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schmidt and Dip Schmidt, two daughters, Fulla Schmidt and Giva Schmidt, then another son, Bull Schmidt. Deep Schmidt married Dumb Schmidt, a high school dropout. Dip Schmidt married Lotta Schmidt and they have a son named Chicken Schmidt. Fulla Schmidt and Giva Schmidt married the Happens brothers. The Schmidt-Happens children are Dawg Schmidt, Byrd Schmidt, and Horace Schmidt. Bull Schmidt just married a spicy little number named Pisa Schmidt and they are awaiting the arrival of their first Baby Schmidt. Now... you know the story of Jack Schmidt !!!
Leftie
Tour Winner
They all lived in a Schmidt Haus but, hey, who cares?
No-one Givesa Schmidt.
No-one Givesa Schmidt.
JohnnyDee
Tour Winner
Q.What's the difference between a seagull and a 1-year old baby?
A. One of them flits across the shore..
A. One of them flits across the shore..
teetime75
Medal Winner
Little Boy and Girl at nursery school.
Boy drops his pants and says
I`ve got one of these.
Little Girl drops her nickers says,Well i`ve got one of these
and my mummy says,when you`ve got one of these
you can have as many of those as you like.
Boy drops his pants and says
I`ve got one of these.
Little Girl drops her nickers says,Well i`ve got one of these
and my mummy says,when you`ve got one of these
you can have as many of those as you like.
Region3
Ryder Cup Winner
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
Junior
Tour Winner
D
Deleted member 21258
Guest
There once was a golfer called Phil
He had a kidney which you wouldn’t grill
The doctor got his drill
removed it with such skill
And off it went to landfill
Sorry rubbish at poems, things didn't work out with the keyhole, hope you repair quickly and take care.
He had a kidney which you wouldn’t grill
The doctor got his drill
removed it with such skill
And off it went to landfill
Sorry rubbish at poems, things didn't work out with the keyhole, hope you repair quickly and take care.
Rooter
Money List Winner
Essex girl goes into a dry cleaners.
EG- (in mubmled chavy voice) need this mayonnaise stain cleaning off me dress.
Dry Cleaner lady - I'm sorry dear, i didn't catch that, come again?
EG - No, it really is mayonnaise this time..
EG- (in mubmled chavy voice) need this mayonnaise stain cleaning off me dress.
Dry Cleaner lady - I'm sorry dear, i didn't catch that, come again?
EG - No, it really is mayonnaise this time..
Smiffy
Grand Slam Winner
Bill and Ben lying in bed.
Ben says "Flibber flobber, flobber flibber"
"If you loved me you'd swallow that" said Bill.
Ben says "Flibber flobber, flobber flibber"
"If you loved me you'd swallow that" said Bill.
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