Cheer me up guys!

The police knocked on my door yesterday. Tried to arrest me for stealing my next door neighbours wife's knickers from the washing line

Tell you what...

I nearly pooed her pants!
 
A man and his wife are playing the 5th hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.
A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
​

He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"
 
Two old codgers just about to tee off on the first. First one goes through his usual pre-shot routine at address. He glances up and notices a hearse and cortege driving past the course. He steps back from the ball and removes his flat cap. He then replaces his cap and re-addresses the ball. Just as he's about to hit it his mate says, "whoa, whoa, WHOA! In all the years I've known you you've been awkward, bad tempered and selfish. That's the first decent thing I've ever seen you do. Why?" The first golfer replies, "well, she was a good wife."
 
PhilTheFragger said:
So
I've had the operation and feeling very sore and a bit fed up.
All the political stuff is a big downer,
So
Cheer me and everyone else up, jokes, funny stories anything

Thanks or I'll show you a pic of my catheter :)
Click to expand...

I heard about a guy who went to get a dodgy kidney removed - but they realised afterwards they'd removed the 'good' one!
 
PhilTheFragger said:
So
I've had the operation and feeling very sore and a bit fed up.
All the political stuff is a big downer,
So
Cheer me and everyone else up, jokes, funny stories anything

Thanks or I'll show you a pic of my catheter :)
Click to expand...

How do you make a tissue dance ?????









......Put a boogie in it :) :) :)
 
My favourite joke from the late Sir Clement Freud...

I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank alot and his wife said "if you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you". He went out to a pub and drank alot and was sick all over his shirt, and said to his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me". His friend said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill.".

He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving but he says "No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill". His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?", he said "Oh the other is from the man who shat in my pants".
 
Region3 said:
Glad it all went well Phil :thup:


I don't know about cheer you up, but I went to the beach yesterday and saw some absolutely disgusting behaviour.

I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off.

There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife!

Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages.
Click to expand...

I remember this from last year, I had to post it on FB, one of the posts of the year.:D

Phil, whats the difference between a buffalo, and a bison.












You cant wash your hair (or baldy pate) in a Bison. Gerrrcccchhhaaaaa
 
Last edited:
fundy said:
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."


Good to her the op went well Phil :)
Click to expand...


Reminds me of the story I heard recently.

Man and a woman are on a long distance train journey. There's been some sort of mix-up with the booking and they're sharing a cabin.
The chap gets into the top bunk and the woman gets in the bottom one and they start to settle. But the chap is feeling cold.
"Excuse me," he says, "would you mind reaching into the closet and getting me another blanket?"
"I've got a much better idea," says the woman. "Why don't we, just for tonight, pretend that we're married?"
The guy can't believe his luck and agrees.
"Great. Now get out of f'ing bed and get the f'ing blanket yourself."
 
Region3 said:
Glad it all went well Phil :thup:


I don't know about cheer you up, but I went to the beach yesterday and saw some absolutely disgusting behaviour.

I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off.

There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife!

Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages.
Click to expand...

Is it just me that doesn't get it? :(
 
I think Theresa May is marvellous - and in the face of her awesome powers of persuasion am becoming ever more convinced that Brexit will be great. And wee Nicola is a witch...;)
 
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