Laughter - the best medicine

[rulefan]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk together into a blood donation centre. The nurse asks them what blood group they are.
The rabbit says I’m probably a type O.

 

[rulefan]

The phrase “Who goes there?” has been around for sentries.

 

[backwoodsman]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk together into a blood donation centre. The nurse asks them what blood group they are.
The rabbit says I’m probably a type O.

Do you not remember the joke that set this whole thread going

 

[sunshine]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk together into a blood donation centre. The nurse asks them what blood group they are.
The rabbit says I’m probably a type O.

And you still got it wrong

 

[rulefan]

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing
out a spouse was £10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his purse displaying the single £1 coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept it as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

>


>

 

[Slime]

 

[SatchFan]

 

[rulefan]

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

>


>

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1 @ TESCO"

 

[rulefan]

 

[rulefan]

 

[Pants]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

[Pants]

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[Slime]

Micky Mouse was in his LA Lawyers office.

The Lawyer said "Micky, you cant divorce Minnie because she has got buck teeth!"

"Thats not what I said!" replied Micky.​

"I said I wanted to divorce Minnie 'cos she is ####ing Goofy!"​

​

 

[Slime]

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing stockings and suspenders, asking to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap.

I said "Sod off Phil, I've got work in the morning". .

 

[Mudball]

 

[Smiffy]

 

[Blue in Munich]

I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you".
He went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt
He said to his friend "If I go home like this my wife will leave me".
His friend said "I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill.".

He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says
"No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill".
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said "Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?",



He said "Oh, the other is from the man who crapped in my pants!"

If this is to be told, then it should be done properly;

 

[rulefan]

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

 

[sunshine]

View attachment 35131

This isn’t even a joke, it’s just truth

 

[Old Skier]