When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer

[Don Barzini]

Last night my wife and I had a phone call from my mum. She dropped the bombshell on us that she's got breast cancer. Briefly, she found a lump and got a quick referral to a specialist. A mammogram and biopsy confirmed the diagnosis. Apparently the specialist is optimistic that due to the site and type of cancer, it has a reasonably good prognosis. They've pencilled her in for surgery in September and are talking about either removal of just the tumour, or possibly even full mastectomy. Possible radiotherapy afterwards also.

There's no talk of chemo at the moment, but this is on the assumption it hasn't spread the other areas of her body. If it has, she may need that too. She needs an MRI scan to find this out, but hasn't got a date for it yet. So at the moment it's a horrible waiting game.

When she told us, I didn't say much. I didn't know what to say. What can you say? It didn't seem real. The very idea that this sort of thing could happen to my mum was previously unthinkable, not even on the radar. But all of a sudden, there it is. As she was telling me about it, in my head all I could think was "Well, this is bad, but it'll all be fine. She'll be fine." But of course, she might not be. I think I just mumbled something about staying positive. I was probably a bit useless. I should have said more.

I spent large chunks of last night awake, imagining all sorts of scenarios. The best and the worst. And everything else in between. What makes me saddest is the thought of mine and my brothers kids. They're all under 10. If the worst happens, she won't see them grow up. I've always just assumed she'll be around to see them grow up.

Anyway, I'm not starting this thread so people can pour sympathy on me and my family. At the end of the day, we're just a small example of millions of people who are affected by this horrible disease. I'm sure there are people on here who have experiences of it too.

Maybe I'm after a bit of advice. Other than "being there" for my mum and dad, what can I do? We live a couple of hours away from them so it's not as if I can just "pop in" every day or so. I feel helpless at the moment. And I know I'm getting ahead of myself as we don't know how bad it is yet. I'm at work at the moment but really can't concentrate on much.

Sorry if this is a "nothing" and depressing thread. It's been cathartic writing it down if nothing else.

 

[Deleted member 21258]

Dad had it twice(not beast cancer ), was lots of worries, tough times ahead, but stay strong and always believe it will be okay.

In between those days, loads of better days with laughs and great stuff, which become treasured memories.

Its a hard journey but worth it to have her round.

I hope it all goes well for your family.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

I've been hovering over this reply, not sure what to type. Horrible situation. Whilst you don't need them yet it may be worth speaking to someone at Macmillan. I know people who used them towards the end and they all say how brilliant they are. They may give you the advice you are looking for even though you don't necessarily need their help yet.

The one thing I would suggest. I have an auntie who has had an awful few years, whole host of things. Last time I saw her her son said he was tired of her illness being the only topic of conversation, she was tired of it as well. They wanted to be able to meet people and talk about normal stuff, not just her illnesses. They wanted to escape from the weight on their shoulders. That stuck with me and is perhaps something to remember.

Keep using the forum to vent, chat etc. It can be a release for you.

 

[Bunkermagnet]

Sorry to hear this. Both my mother and MIL had breast cancer. My mother back in the 70’s and the MIL about 20 years ago. My mother had a mastectomy, my MIL just the area removed and follow up which included in the end surgery to even her out. The MIL is still going, my mother died 2.5 years ago at 84. Don’t assume that breast cancer will automatically shorten her life.
I would say treat her normally as sometimes making a fuss works against them.
I hope she and you all get through it ok.

 

[HomerJSimpson]

Toughie for me as I lost both mum and dad to cancer so brought up a lot of old memories. Dad had a tumour in the brain. Had chemo etc but was gone within 15 months of diagnosis and was bed bound and totally reliant on help for the last 2-3 months so definitely not how I like to remember him. Mum had stomach and throat cancer. Again had radiotherapy and then chemo and the original prognosis was only for 12 months but she squeezed 2 1/2 years although again the last 4-5 months she became housebound and the last couple of months was bed bound, incontinent and all the nasty stuff that comes with the disease especially the last parts. In the end both were in a hospice for their final days and were made very comfy and the staff were brilliant and over and beyond at every turn. Was there for the passing of both and in my mums case had a chance to reconcile a lot of issues from years back while she could still speak and understand which gave me a lot of comfort.

We lived an hours drive away from my parents house so couldn't be there every night so made sure we spent all weekend with them. My mum was lucky when my dad was ill but also when she was struggling too that she had a great support network from the church and neighbours. Might be worth speaking to Macmillan, the cancer department at the hospital and maybe talking to your mum about who she does and doesn't want to know especially once all the facts are in the open and she knows what she's facing. Not much help I guess but just a note really to say others have been through it and while the outcome inevitably may not be good, you aren't alone. Stay strong (if only when you are with your mum - you can cry and worry in private) and vent as much as you need on here

 

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

As Homer - a difficult one for me to reply to this - and for which to give advice.

My wife was a Breast Cancer Nurse Specialist until one year ago - her job was to support woman (and men) diagnosed with BC through their diagnosis; treatment and into remission. And 3 yrs ago she was diagnosed with a serious BC.

Her view? Well she knows the statistics - that 1:8 women will be diagnosed with a BC in their lifetime; that BC is no respecter of age or background - never mind of a woman's job; that in her situation she has 80% probability of no recurrence within 5yrs and 90% within 10yrs. After ten yrs she'll come off the annual mammogram check and go back to normal 3yr screening and goes into the population norm when a new diagnosis of BC is treated as a completely new diagnosis - pretty much unrelated to what has gone before.

So hard as it is (as she knows too many women who have succumbed to BC) she simply looks to getting past 5yrs without a recurrence, knowing that then she is heading into lower-risk of recurrence. But on a daily basis she can still feel very down and negative.

Knowing her stats following treatment (surgery, chemo and radiotherapy) she decided that if she wanted to travel to distant parts then she'd basically have to do it when 'clear' - and do this travel when the risk of a recurrence remains relatively high. And that is what we have done. She retired last July and I took 6months off work first half of this year - and we travelled 'down under' and in SE Asia for over 4 months.

My wife knows that no matter what happens now or in the future she has the fabulous memories and the photos of our travels to remind us. This is important to her as at the same time as she was diagnosed with BC, my mum was in palliative care for an inoperable brain tumour - and mum got great comfort from looking at photos we have of family holidays in the 60s and 70s and remembering these lovely times together as a family (dad had gone ten years before). Sadly mum's gone now - but the thoughts of what we did together over these last few months are so important to us in dealing with that loss. And my wife saw the comfort that gave mum.

My wife also hasn't gone down the mega-positive 'I can beat this' 'I will be strong' route - because she knows too much and doesn't feel strong at all - she knows plenty of women who are still in remission, but also quite a few who haven't beaten BC no matter how strong they said they were; that's just her I suppose. You might wish to go the mega-positive route with your mum - but be mindful of how she might feel about that. Not all women like being encouraged to 'be strong and we'll beat this together' sort of stuff - they often don't feel strong at all, and can feel totally helpless - and when they feel weak and helpless but are being encouraged to be strong they can feel they are letting everyone down with such feelings...just be aware.

Also be aware that many women take comfort from being 'in the system' through their treatment; they know what's happening and what will happen next - they are in a managed process and treatment framework. When their treatment completes many women have difficulty coping with dealing with their condition by themselves on a day-to-day basis. They no longer have that day-2-day comfort of being 'in the system' - they can feel very vulnerable and exposed.

And one other thing. Make sure you tell your mum that you love her; how important she is to you, and how proud you are to be her son. Don't be 'bloke embarrassed' to do that. And following treatment do stuff with her - stuff that she might find just fanciful...but that once done never forgotten. We hope and pray that things will turn out OK - but life can be random and rubbish at times.

I hope I haven't sounded a too negative note. BC treatments are advancing all of the time and the prognosis for your mum is likely to be good. Just be aware.

Look after yourself, and watch out for all those close to your mum.

 

[spongebob59]

Early diagnosis is key, I'm surprised they haven't mentioned a CT scan.?
She should be fast tracked now no matter what happens, but there are plenty of support groups out there if you know where to look, McMillan website have a wealth of information.
I didn't speak to any of their advisers but are meant to excellent.
Thoughts and wishes mate.

 

[Doon frae Troon]

Three times my wife has had major cancer operations, the first when she was only 39.
She is still alive and kicking and lives a very active and lively life [she is 68 now]

My 95 year old mum was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago, no operation/treatment, just has pills to lesson the effect. She is fine and the lump has nearly gone.

My advice would be that it probably will not be as bad as you imagine.
Good idea to get female members of the family checked though.
You need to be supportive and positive.
Treatment has improved massively in recent years, so hoping for a full recovery.

PS.....to all forumers......remember and drop your small change into the cancer charity tins.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

PS.....to all forumers......remember and drop your small change into the cancer charity tins.

Even better, set up a direct debit to them, gift aided 👍. I don't carry coins on me any more, like so many, so the days of dropping money into charity boxes are dwindling.

 

[Hobbit]

Crikey, really sorry to read of your mum's problems. First of all, make time for yourself when you can. You're going to need some stamina and strength of character. Communicate with your siblings to ensure you all work from the same page in the book. Ensure you aren't duplicating your effort and, equally, missing some open goals. Talk to McMillans. Research the support websites. Don't be backward in coming forward to ask questions - there's loads of answers out there.

The effort you put in now will make life a little easier going forward.

Your mum; make special moments and memories. It doesn't have to be expensive, just turn up with a cake. Get Interflora to deliver flowers occasionally. Hug her a bit longer, hold her a little bit tighter. Have a laugh, have a blast. Look for the things she likes, especially those things you can all do together, and don't put them off till tomorrow.

I wish you all the very best of luck and good wishes. Go kick ass and enjoy life.

 

[Fade and Die]

Crikey, really sorry to read of your mum's problems. First of all, make time for yourself when you can. You're going to need some stamina and strength of character. Communicate with your siblings to ensure you all work from the same page in the book. Ensure you aren't duplicating your effort and, equally, missing some open goals. Talk to McMillans. Research the support websites. Don't be backward in coming forward to ask questions - there's loads of answers out there.

The effort you put in now will make life a little easier going forward.

Your mum; make special moments and memories. It doesn't have to be expensive, just turn up with a cake. Get Interflora to deliver flowers occasionally. Hug her a bit longer, hold her a little bit tighter. Have a laugh, have a blast. Look for the things she likes, especially those things you can all do together, and don't put them off till tomorrow.

I wish you all the very best of luck and good wishes. Go kick ass and enjoy life.

This is a perfect reply, I could write my own experience with my Mum which would be something along the lines of Homers post but I personally think this is not the place for it, also it’s not the sort of thing the OP needs.

As Hobbit says put in an extra effort to see your Mum, cherish all those memories, it’s hard to know what to say to her but if she wants to talk about it then do...if she doesn’t then don’t bring it up. Let her dictate how much the disease affects her life. Good luck to you and your family and I hope you have an happy ending.

 

[patricks148]

Look on the bright side, you have far better chance of making a recovery than you did a few years ago.

My mother died in her 40's and was dead within months of being diagnosed, my Uncle the same.

He was one of the fittest guys i've evr known, back then 970's) he ran, played Cricket for Essex and had played a bit of football for West Ham.

with todays advances in care both would have recovered.

 

[stefanovic]

After 2 cancers myself, the one piece of advice I can give is this:

If you find yourself sitting in front of the oncologist, your chances of survival have potentially increased from 0 to 100%, because the oncologist is there to save your life.

 

[IanM]

Write away.... and don’t apologise for doing so. Treatment and Survival rates have whizzed forward in the past few years. Fingers crossed...

 

[Don Barzini]

Just wanted to come back and thank everyone for their replies, I’ve found them all really helpful. I mean it - I’m really grateful.

I’ll be taking a lot of it on board during the tough times to come. Cheers again all.

 

[Hacker Khan]

Last night my wife and I had a phone call from my mum. She dropped the bombshell on us that she's got breast cancer. Briefly, she found a lump and got a quick referral to a specialist. A mammogram and biopsy confirmed the diagnosis. Apparently the specialist is optimistic that due to the site and type of cancer, it has a reasonably good prognosis. They've pencilled her in for surgery in September and are talking about either removal of just the tumour, or possibly even full mastectomy. Possible radiotherapy afterwards also.

There's no talk of chemo at the moment, but this is on the assumption it hasn't spread the other areas of her body. If it has, she may need that too. She needs an MRI scan to find this out, but hasn't got a date for it yet. So at the moment it's a horrible waiting game.

When she told us, I didn't say much. I didn't know what to say. What can you say? It didn't seem real. The very idea that this sort of thing could happen to my mum was previously unthinkable, not even on the radar. But all of a sudden, there it is. As she was telling me about it, in my head all I could think was "Well, this is bad, but it'll all be fine. She'll be fine." But of course, she might not be. I think I just mumbled something about staying positive. I was probably a bit useless. I should have said more.

I spent large chunks of last night awake, imagining all sorts of scenarios. The best and the worst. And everything else in between. What makes me saddest is the thought of mine and my brothers kids. They're all under 10. If the worst happens, she won't see them grow up. I've always just assumed she'll be around to see them grow up.

Anyway, I'm not starting this thread so people can pour sympathy on me and my family. At the end of the day, we're just a small example of millions of people who are affected by this horrible disease. I'm sure there are people on here who have experiences of it too.

Maybe I'm after a bit of advice. Other than "being there" for my mum and dad, what can I do? We live a couple of hours away from them so it's not as if I can just "pop in" every day or so. I feel helpless at the moment. And I know I'm getting ahead of myself as we don't know how bad it is yet. I'm at work at the moment but really can't concentrate on much.

Sorry if this is a "nothing" and depressing thread. It's been cathartic writing it down if nothing else.

Sounds similar to the diagnosis my wife got a few years ago. She had a mastectomy and yesterday she had the 4 and a half year all clear and cancer treatment is constantly getting better. But on the other side I appreciate that some people do not just want to hear that everything will be OK, as at times it won't. I know the podcast You, Me and the Big C https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0608649/episodes/downloads has helped some people with questions about cancer.

People who have had the diagnosis will react in different ways, as will those close to them. Hardest part was telling our daughter who was 9 at the time. In my wifes case she was operated on a week after the diagnosis just before Christmas, so no one had much time to think about it and we kind of went into auto pilot mode. All I tried to do is stay as strong as possible for her and give her space to talk as much or as little as she wanted.

 

[Don Barzini]

Went to see my mum yesterday. She talked very frankly and openly about it all. She seemed very normal.

My wife then had an opportunity to speak to her alone. My mum told her that she hadn't cried about it yet, so thinks she mustn't be normal! She's also beating herself up about what's caused it. She deliberately hasn't been Googling, but said she has heard of some study linking underwired bras with increased risk of breast cancer. And despite the fact that my mum eats very healthily, takes regular exercise, isn't overweight and doesn't drink to excess she's still wondering whether she hasn't lived a healthy enough life up to now. Obviously you can tell someone that these worries are all unfounded, but it doesn't stop her going over them in her mind.

One thing that she is very scared of is the thought of chemo. If the cancer hasn't spread she shouldn't need it, but if it has then it may be required. She's always taken a lot of care over her appearance. Losing her hair would be the hardest thing for her.

When I left, I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. I never really say it out loud to her, but I need to say it a lot more from now on.

Thanks again to everyone who's given their advice and comments.

 

[Hobbit]

Went to see my mum yesterday. She talked very frankly and openly about it all. She seemed very normal.

My wife then had an opportunity to speak to her alone. My mum told her that she hadn't cried about it yet, so thinks she mustn't be normal! She's also beating herself up about what's caused it. She deliberately hasn't been Googling, but said she has heard of some study linking underwired bras with increased risk of breast cancer. And despite the fact that my mum eats very healthily, takes regular exercise, isn't overweight and doesn't drink to excess she's still wondering whether she hasn't lived a healthy enough life up to now. Obviously you can tell someone that these worries are all unfounded, but it doesn't stop her going over them in her mind.

One thing that she is very scared of is the thought of chemo. If the cancer hasn't spread she shouldn't need it, but if it has then it may be required. She's always taken a lot of care over her appearance. Losing her hair would be the hardest thing for her.

When I left, I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. I never really say it out loud to her, but I need to say it a lot more from now on.

Thanks again to everyone who's given their advice and comments.

First of all, get a McMillan nurse to talk to her about her thoughts of why etc. They are brilliant - first hand experience. Secondly, the days of chemo guaranteeing hair loss are long gone. Yes it might happen if she ends up on the strongest of strongest chemo but even then its not guaranteed. The chemo usually starts on the milder effecting versions.

Keep strong, keep going. If she's reasonably fit, a bit of light palates or keep fit/dancing will be a great help to her maintaining a decent level of fitness she might need going forward. It is beatable.

 

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

Went to see my mum yesterday. She talked very frankly and openly about it all. She seemed very normal.

My wife then had an opportunity to speak to her alone. My mum told her that she hadn't cried about it yet, so thinks she mustn't be normal! She's also beating herself up about what's caused it. She deliberately hasn't been Googling, but said she has heard of some study linking underwired bras with increased risk of breast cancer. And despite the fact that my mum eats very healthily, takes regular exercise, isn't overweight and doesn't drink to excess she's still wondering whether she hasn't lived a healthy enough life up to now. Obviously you can tell someone that these worries are all unfounded, but it doesn't stop her going over them in her mind.

One thing that she is very scared of is the thought of chemo. If the cancer hasn't spread she shouldn't need it, but if it has then it may be required. She's always taken a lot of care over her appearance. Losing her hair would be the hardest thing for her.

When I left, I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. I never really say it out loud to her, but I need to say it a lot more from now on.

Thanks again to everyone who's given their advice and comments.

My wife would (and at times of being down still does) beat herself up over her past diet - and why her? Almost trying to find a reason to blame herself, when she knows that 1:8 woman are diagnosed with a BC at some point in their life; and knowing also that she has met the fittest and health and diet conscious 30-something women - with BC. It happens - but that is often very difficult to just accept.

And well done you for giving the hug and telling her

 

[Golfmmad]

Went to see my mum yesterday. She talked very frankly and openly about it all. She seemed very normal.

My wife then had an opportunity to speak to her alone. My mum told her that she hadn't cried about it yet, so thinks she mustn't be normal! She's also beating herself up about what's caused it. She deliberately hasn't been Googling, but said she has heard of some study linking underwired bras with increased risk of breast cancer. And despite the fact that my mum eats very healthily, takes regular exercise, isn't overweight and doesn't drink to excess she's still wondering whether she hasn't lived a healthy enough life up to now. Obviously you can tell someone that these worries are all unfounded, but it doesn't stop her going over them in her mind.

One thing that she is very scared of is the thought of chemo. If the cancer hasn't spread she shouldn't need it, but if it has then it may be required. She's always taken a lot of care over her appearance. Losing her hair would be the hardest thing for her.

When I left, I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. I never really say it out loud to her, but I need to say it a lot more from now on.

Thanks again to everyone who's given their advice and comments.

Only just got back from holiday in Jersey so not had a chance to reply.

First of all it sounds like your Mum has great family support which will help her come to terms with it all.

They have made great strides in dealing with and treating breast cancer these days. I lost my wife at 35 in 1993 and am sure would have survived in todays world.
I remarried 18 months later and would you believe it, in 2005 my new wife was diagnosed with BC. She underwent a lumpectomy followed by chemotherapy and lost her hair and is a survivor now in 2019! After all her treatment and final check up her consultant said, "Amanda, you no longer have cancer, so go away and enjoy the rest of your life". The best sentence he could have ever said!

If your Mum wants to try some alternative medicines - treatments I'd suggest you encourage it. The reason why I suggest it is that Amanda's daughter got her to try all sorts of alternatives, ie; acupuncture,herbal teas, massages etc. She mentioned this to her consultant and he just said: " If there was any new treatment out there, we would be the first to hear about it, But by all means try anything you feel might help". He didn't have a problem with any of it.

You mention the fear of chemotherapy, yes it can be nasty, but try looking at it as another weapon in mums arsenal to beat the cancer. you will probably find, if mum does have to have Chemo that she will make her own decisions - along with your help and encouragement.If she does lose her hair she might decide to wear a hat, scarf or wig. I remember when Amanda's hair started to really thin she said,"Right, let's get it all cut off and see about getting a wig".

So onwards and upwards and wish you all, especially Mum, my very best wishes on your journey ahead.