Post a Joke thread

[CMAC]

I fancy some laughter today, too much negativity and bad news in the erm.. news just now.

Try and make them short...............and funny if possible:smirk:


"Your mama is so fat, everytime she turns around it's her birthday"

 

[Rooter]

can they be all "Yo Momma" ones? i like them!

Yo momma is so fat, i have to roll her in flour to find the wet patch!

Yo momma so ugly her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her

Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma

Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention

Yo momma so big, her belly button's got an echo

 

[Val]

Your mama is so nasty, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse

 

[brendy]

Keep them relatively clean and I can see this thread lasting a while

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician, he used a pencil to work it out..

 

[gripitripit]

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

 

[gripitripit]

I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:

"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"

To which I replied:

"8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."

 

[gripitripit]

As it was the start of Lent today I was going to ask my girlfriend what she'd given up.

Then when I saw her lounging on the sofa, fat belly hanging out over her joggers, no make-up on and eating a packet of cakes, I realised it was caring.

 

[Andy808]

Three men walk into bar, you'd have thought one of them would have seen it.

Three blondes walk into a bar, how the hell didn't they see the three men laying on the floor!

 

[Andy808]

Englishman, Irishman and a scots man walk into a pub. Barman looks up and said "Is this some kind of Joke?"

 

[Paul_Stewart]

I always fancied my wife when she bent over the cooker. Trouble is, now I can't any longer see the cooker.

I once played darts with Eric Bristow. Until his head went blunt.

Stealing cars from a multi-story car park. That is just wrong on so many levels.

 

[bladeplayer]

Not short but golf related ..

Wife: "If I died, would you remarry."
Husband: "No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman."
Wife: "But you love being married, don't you? So honestly. You'd get remarried wouldn't you?"
Husband: *sigh* "Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually"
Wife: "Would you and your new wife live in our house?"
Husband: "Yeah, where else would we live"
Wife: "Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?"
Husband: "Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I'd still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer"
Wife: "Would you two sleep in our bedroom?"
Husband: "Yeah, where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left-handed!"
Wife: ...
Husband: "<damn>!"

 

[Swinger]

Whats the difference between a hooker and an onion?

I cry when I cut up an onion.

 

[Big D 88]

An Englishman, a Welshman, a scot, an Irishman, a Frenchman, a German, a Muslim, an Indian, an Iranian, a Syrian, a jap, an Iraqi, a yank, a Mongolian, an Arab, a Belgian, a Croat, a Serb, a Brazilian, an Aussie, a kiwi and a swede all turn up a nightclub. The doorman has a look at the assembled party and says "sorry lads I can't let you in without a Thai"

 

[Doon frae Troon]

An Englishman, a Welshman, a scot, an Irishman, a Frenchman, a German, a Muslim, an Indian, an Iranian, a Syrian, a jap, an Iraqi, a yank, a Mongolian, an Arab, a Belgian, a Croat, a Serb, a Brazilian, an Aussie, a kiwi and a swede all turn up a nightclub. The doorman has a look at the assembled party and says "sorry lads I can't let you in without a Thai"

Very good....and original!

PS They are still looking for that leek in the Clyde Tunnel.

 

[grumpyjock]

Heard this one on radio 4, so dont blame me.

Monopoly have replaced an iron with a cat, I did this and got banned from the golf club.

I found it amusing to say the least.

 

[wrighty1874]

We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to the sounds of 80's synyh pop.
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

 

[Sponge1980]

What do you call a man wearing a suit of armour, riding a motorbike?

Medieval Kineval.

What did the napkin say when it wasn't ready to play tennis?

Dont serviette.

 

[wrighty1874]

Inquisitive Chinese students always prefer to enrol at the University of East Anglia.

It's their insatiable thirst for Norwich.

 

[Sponge1980]

What do the donkeys on Blackpool beach get for their dinner?

An hour like everyone else

 

[LIG]

Two Golfers on the elevated 7th tee looking at the fisher men lined up on the riverbank below.
One says to the other, " Look at all those idiots, fishing in the pouring rain!"