Tashyboy
Please don’t ask to see my tatts 👍
So today I turned up at Clinic 7. Todays procedure was a Prostate Biopsy. The history is my brother who is 11 months older was diagnosed with Prostate cancer. So MissisT, top ex urology nurse says you’re having a PSA test. Unfortunately they booked me in to soon after my Colonoscopy/ first Tattoo. That PSAwas five, when I went to Clinic 7 about six weeks ago they did another PSA test instead of the prostate biopsy. That came back as 3.6. If it was 3.5. Happy days, so I was advised to leave it a month. No rumpy pumpy for the last week and another test. It’s now 3.2. Happy days Then. No. It was recommended that I still be legally violated and have the procedure. So today me and Missis T turns up at 8.30.
It then went a bit well odd. I was given the option of “ do I want it done as I am borderline“. Bottom ( there’s that pun again) line. It was the second time I had been in, got my head around it and I needed peace of mind. If my prostate is cancerous, I can deal with it. If it’s not, I can deal with it. I have family history of prostates being cancerous and I have a younger brother To think of. So I Decided to get it done.
Off with me clothes and on with my gown. And into the Biopsy room I walked. Now the operating chair looked like something out of a torture museum I saw in San Marino many years ago. And for some reason it reminded me of something Irish women would be in when having a
I felt we had not got off to a good start when it came to first impressions. It didn’t get any better. Next thing a complete stranger is shaving my perinium, ( the bit between yer scphincter and yer Goolies). If I had known that was happening I would of either A, done it myself, B asked Missis T to do it or C, slipped the Turkish barber a fiver last Sunday when I was in Carlisle and asked him to do it. If that was not bad enough. They then spray a freeze spray on your shaven area. I can honestly say I have never had my toes curl so much as at that point. Once that had dried and the stinging sensation stopped. I then had some extra sticky Tittie tape placed around my Crown Jewels to hold them “ up”. Which I found kinda amusing because they had retracted to side of my tonsils because of the cold spray. At that point I realised I had dropped a bollock, ( another pun). I had mentioned to the surgeon I was a City fan and I prayed to god he didn’t follow Utd or Liverpool. Fortunately he didn’t.
My new best friend then explained the procedure. Stick a needle or two into the shaved and frozen area ( at that point I broke my Toe curling record) and then Start taking bits of your prostate out with an implement that goes click every time he has taken a chunk. I expected 3 or four clicks. After about 20 clicks the nurse. (I say the nurse, there was five in the room), Said “ we are half way through it”. It was at this point I was in a bit of a panic coz without sounding uncouth. I was bursting for a dump. Well at least it felt like.I was assured that everyone says that. It was no consolation.
Throughout the invasive procedure, we talked about Take That ( went to see the show last night in Nottingham), Holidays, Colonoscopy’, (four of us have had one). All of the discussion designed to take my mind off a probe that was rammed up my Jacksy and a needle in my Prostate. Good effort on behalf of the nurses but, all I could think about was a probe up me Jacksy and a needle in my prostate. Even when the surgeon stuck his finger up me South Pole and said “ your prostate feels very good”. I didn’t feel like sharing his good news on Facebook. Maybe I wasn’t feeling the moment. I suspect I wasn’t the only one. But like the Golf forum everyone is different.
Eventually the procedure was completed and all in all they took about 30-40 biopsy’s, I wondered if the Surgeon was on a performance related bonus. My Prostate felt like a dart board. I was cleaned up and through gritted teeth I thanked everyone. The Tittie tape was removed from my Goolies and my Goolies now look Like Two Kojaks heads side by side. It was at that point I realised I had been a little hasty in thanking everyone.
I was cleaned up and taken to a recovery room. I was told I have to have a cuppa tea and could not leave without doing a tiddle. I was told to expect blood in my urine and South Pole when I go to the toilet. So with said cardboard tiddle holder in hand I started. Now even though I had been told to expect the crimson tide, it is something of a shock to see it flowing outta yer pecker. Even more so when it stops and then a clot comes out. I said to Missis T “ that felt like a clot”.She said “ it sounded like one”. Now how the hell do you know what a blood clot coming outta your pecker sounds like? Apparently Missis T has heard it thousands of times in her job. It’s something we have never got round to talking about whilst at the beach. Suffice to say Missis T has said I need to drink gallons of water to flush through the blood that has collected. Anyway I eventually finished and made my way very slowly to the car with lube and lord knows what swishing around the back end of me shorts. Am sat at home and it feels like Ave got a golf ball between me cheeks.
So would I recommend it. Most definitely. The mind is a powerful thing and me personally I couldn’t go to bed at night wondering where I was re the health of my prostate. In a week or twos time I will find out my results. It will be what it will be but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
I have always been of the ilk a “stitch in time” Etc. Short term am off to bed to try and make this golf ball up me butt a bit more comfortable.
Have a good day folks a listen to your body.
It then went a bit well odd. I was given the option of “ do I want it done as I am borderline“. Bottom ( there’s that pun again) line. It was the second time I had been in, got my head around it and I needed peace of mind. If my prostate is cancerous, I can deal with it. If it’s not, I can deal with it. I have family history of prostates being cancerous and I have a younger brother To think of. So I Decided to get it done.
Off with me clothes and on with my gown. And into the Biopsy room I walked. Now the operating chair looked like something out of a torture museum I saw in San Marino many years ago. And for some reason it reminded me of something Irish women would be in when having a
Symphysiotomy
many years ago. (I learned about that last week when in Scotland). Google it. Laying on yer back with your legs strapped into the Stirrups is not my idea of relaxation.I felt we had not got off to a good start when it came to first impressions. It didn’t get any better. Next thing a complete stranger is shaving my perinium, ( the bit between yer scphincter and yer Goolies). If I had known that was happening I would of either A, done it myself, B asked Missis T to do it or C, slipped the Turkish barber a fiver last Sunday when I was in Carlisle and asked him to do it. If that was not bad enough. They then spray a freeze spray on your shaven area. I can honestly say I have never had my toes curl so much as at that point. Once that had dried and the stinging sensation stopped. I then had some extra sticky Tittie tape placed around my Crown Jewels to hold them “ up”. Which I found kinda amusing because they had retracted to side of my tonsils because of the cold spray. At that point I realised I had dropped a bollock, ( another pun). I had mentioned to the surgeon I was a City fan and I prayed to god he didn’t follow Utd or Liverpool. Fortunately he didn’t.
My new best friend then explained the procedure. Stick a needle or two into the shaved and frozen area ( at that point I broke my Toe curling record) and then Start taking bits of your prostate out with an implement that goes click every time he has taken a chunk. I expected 3 or four clicks. After about 20 clicks the nurse. (I say the nurse, there was five in the room), Said “ we are half way through it”. It was at this point I was in a bit of a panic coz without sounding uncouth. I was bursting for a dump. Well at least it felt like.I was assured that everyone says that. It was no consolation.
Throughout the invasive procedure, we talked about Take That ( went to see the show last night in Nottingham), Holidays, Colonoscopy’, (four of us have had one). All of the discussion designed to take my mind off a probe that was rammed up my Jacksy and a needle in my Prostate. Good effort on behalf of the nurses but, all I could think about was a probe up me Jacksy and a needle in my prostate. Even when the surgeon stuck his finger up me South Pole and said “ your prostate feels very good”. I didn’t feel like sharing his good news on Facebook. Maybe I wasn’t feeling the moment. I suspect I wasn’t the only one. But like the Golf forum everyone is different.
Eventually the procedure was completed and all in all they took about 30-40 biopsy’s, I wondered if the Surgeon was on a performance related bonus. My Prostate felt like a dart board. I was cleaned up and through gritted teeth I thanked everyone. The Tittie tape was removed from my Goolies and my Goolies now look Like Two Kojaks heads side by side. It was at that point I realised I had been a little hasty in thanking everyone.
I was cleaned up and taken to a recovery room. I was told I have to have a cuppa tea and could not leave without doing a tiddle. I was told to expect blood in my urine and South Pole when I go to the toilet. So with said cardboard tiddle holder in hand I started. Now even though I had been told to expect the crimson tide, it is something of a shock to see it flowing outta yer pecker. Even more so when it stops and then a clot comes out. I said to Missis T “ that felt like a clot”.She said “ it sounded like one”. Now how the hell do you know what a blood clot coming outta your pecker sounds like? Apparently Missis T has heard it thousands of times in her job. It’s something we have never got round to talking about whilst at the beach. Suffice to say Missis T has said I need to drink gallons of water to flush through the blood that has collected. Anyway I eventually finished and made my way very slowly to the car with lube and lord knows what swishing around the back end of me shorts. Am sat at home and it feels like Ave got a golf ball between me cheeks.
So would I recommend it. Most definitely. The mind is a powerful thing and me personally I couldn’t go to bed at night wondering where I was re the health of my prostate. In a week or twos time I will find out my results. It will be what it will be but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
I have always been of the ilk a “stitch in time” Etc. Short term am off to bed to try and make this golf ball up me butt a bit more comfortable.
Have a good day folks a listen to your body.
.
There’s some days you wish you were married to a window cleaner. So now I feel like celebrating, it’s with a cuppa tea and a hobknob.
