Got me first tattoo today at 60.

Tashyboy

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So when I was 60 in March. The NHS as its way of thanking me sent me a “ Poo Kit”. Bottom line scoop a piece of yer poo with a Barbie sized spatula, put it in a tube and post it. Now as part of my endeavours to include my grandkids in everything, for some reason Layla Tash declined to help me when I asked. So off me Poo sample went to the Poo lab. A week or two later I get a letter asking me to go for a colonoscopy. To save folk from Googling the big word. Bottom line ( sorry for the pun) They shove a Hubble sized camera up your southern exit. Well it felt like it.
Anyway today was the day, but before I talk about me being legally violated. Thursday night and Friday morning was a whole new experience. Reason being I had two doses of Moviprep. Now that stuff helps you pass water like I did when I had a highest tiddle up the toilet wall competition with Aidy Reynolds when I was 9 yr old at python hill school. But this tiddle comes out of yer Butt. Dear God.
So at 10.30 this morning I turned up at Kings Mill Hospital. After a three hour wait it was Tashyboys turn. First thing on is the paper underpants with a large slot in the back. Cannot believe Missis T never brought me any of these home coz they are unique. Anyway lie on yer left hand side, loadsa lube and insert😳. It was at that point that my opinion of things should come out of yer Butt and not in unfortunately through now gained experience was endorsed. Each to their own though. Now I had seen that the large bowel does have a couple of bends in it but I thought it was just diagrams. No. It felt they were driving a caravan round the corner and they caught the wall. Am sure the words I used were similar to missing that 2 ft putt for a birdie on Tuesday. Now they did tell me the camera was going all the way to my Appendix. Which was nice coz Ave never seen it before. But on the way to Appendix land they found a Polyp. It could best be described as the shape of action man’s testicles, but hanging a bit more. They banged a bit of adrenaline in it and continued. Once they got there they took a small detour into my small bowel entrance. And let’s just say it’s not a place you would want to go on holiday. It looked dirty unlike my immaculate Large intestine. We got back to Action mans testicles and by with time the stem on the Polyp had turned grey. They “ lassoed” it and burnt it off. They then put a clip on it and for future reference they then gave me a Tattoo on the site so they can find it in three years time ( Oh joy of bloody joys). Now I asked for something like a fish tattoo, it looks more like an octopus dump. But hey Ho, it cost me nowt. A couple on inches further they found a second polyp. That two was lassoed, clipped and put into a bag and removed.
So after both polyps were removed they were measured. One at 15mm and one at 13mm.
So now for the serious bit. I went for the test because I had Poo in my blood. I was convinced that it was due to an untroublesome pile. The lady who legally violated me told me it was. But I went for the test because the colonoscopy would 100% confirm this. It did. But it also confirmed that if I had not gone the two polyps if left undetected would have given me problems later in life.
The Polyps will be sent off for a biopsy so they still could be crap results 😉 But as I am now I feel a stitch in time and all that.
So as I sign off could I urge all folk that if the occasion arises that you have a poo kit drop through your door. Get it done. It could well save your life.
just means no golf next week. ☹️
 

Lord Tyrion

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I've had 3 colonoscopies. For the last one, the doctor was in a hurry and pumped air in far too quickly. Damned painful but she paid a price. Air in, air out 😳. The nurses did chuckle, bless em.

Wise words Tashy, and a very funny write up.
 

Tashyboy

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I've had 3 colonoscopies. For the last one, the doctor was in a hurry and pumped air in far too quickly. Damned painful but she paid a price. Air in, air out 😳. The nurses did chuckle, bless em.

Wise words Tashy, and a very funny write up.
😳 I forgot the wind part 😖😁😂
 

PhilTheFragger

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Take it you didn’t have sedation otherwise you wouldn’t remember.

I’ve had a few cameras top and rear and there is no way in heaven any of that is happening unless I’ve had Bull Elephant strength tranqs.

I had a top end polyp which was removed, but had a massive bleed the next day and am lucky to still be here.

All procedures have a risk element

Fingers crossed your results are good Tash me man 👍
 

Tashyboy

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I bet the nurse didn’t
That’s a part of the story I missed, it felt like I was desperate to go to the lavvy but I knew there was nowt there. She said “ we have just injected some air so you may want to pass wind”. It must of been a 5 seconder. Of it felt good.
 

Tashyboy

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Take it you didn’t have sedation otherwise you wouldn’t remember.

I’ve had a few cameras top and rear and there is no way in heaven any of that is happening unless I’ve had Bull Elephant strength tranqs.

I had a top end polyp which was removed, but had a massive bleed the next day and am lucky to still be here.

All procedures have a risk element

Fingers crossed your results are good Tash me man 👍
I can laugh about it Fragger, maybe it’s just my nature. But I was 2 hrs late because the first guy in.Well they found loads of problems. ☹️
 

Voyager EMH

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Been there, done that, a few years ago.
Nothing untoward up there for me.
I just can't go into such fascinating detail as Mr T does.

I did find following progress on the monitor very interesting, but my eyes became too watery after only half a minute.
I received some praise after the ordeal, "You did very well with the self-administered enema, we got a clear view of everything."
"Great" says I, "Same time next week is it?"
No, I'm lying, I was not able to say much at all.

Luckily for me the hospital was within walking distance.
That was fine for getting there, but I came home like John Wayne and at less than half the speed that I went there.

I've sent two poo samples through the post in the years since. Both checked out fine.
 

Hobbit

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Had a few cameras down over. After the first one it was sedation every time. Only had the one up over. No sedation but plenty of gas and air. I was a little worried when the doc started his run up from the corridor, holding the camera like a lance. Think I hit top C on insertion.
 

Billysboots

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Tash, now I have stopped absolutely crying with laughter, respect to you for sharing this magnificent tale and spreading a very serious message. As a recent cancer patient the NHS sent me my poo kit at age 56 and my results came back clear.

I do recall having a couple of endoscopies a few years ago - the camera down the throat. It was only after the second procedure that they told me I was at the same clinic where they carry out colonoscopies. The nurse in charge failed to see the funny side when I said I hoped that, if they had got the cameras mixed up before my procedure, they had at least cleaned them first.

Wishing you a speedy recovery from the invasion mate. Perhaps best to try and not pass wind for a day or so.
 

Tashyboy

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Tash, now I have stopped absolutely crying with laughter, respect to you for sharing this magnificent tale and spreading a very serious message. As a recent cancer patient the NHS sent me my poo kit at age 56 and my results came back clear.

I do recall having a couple of endoscopies a few years ago - the camera down the throat. It was only after the second procedure that they told me I was at the same clinic where they carry out colonoscopies. The nurse in charge failed to see the funny side when I said I hoped that, if they had got the cameras mixed up before my procedure, they had at least cleaned them first.

Wishing you a speedy recovery from the invasion mate. Perhaps best to try and not pass wind for a day or so.
Unfortunately the wind bit is a bit late, the pan water was a bit blue. It’s either a toilet block or me tattoo is coming off 😖
 

fenwayrich

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Tash, my fellow Nottinghamshire golf addict, I have been feeling sorry for myself recently. Not played for 6 months due to neurological problems, no end in sight at present. Your story, told in your unique style, had me crying tears of laughter. Brilliant, and more powerful because behind the fun is very serious advice indeed.

My best wishes to you.
 

cliveb

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Nice write-up, Tash. Hope the biopsies turn out ok.

For those interested in more amusing tales of endoscopies, here is a legendary one:
 
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