Post a Joke thread

[Cherry13]

Why did the mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequillllla

My grandad says every morning when he measures his allotment its a couple of inches smaller than the day before. Hes slowly losing the plot!!

 

[wrighty1874]

After Tiger Woods,Lance Armstrong and now Oscar,Nike should really change their slogan, Just DON'T do it!!

 

[sawtooth]

The people of Yemen dont like the Flintstones but the people in Abi Dhabi do.

 

[drawboy]

I tried to book my car into Websters garage but he said he had a 9 year old escort to do first.

 

[birdieman]

Paddy and Mick are unemployed and scouring the jobs pages in the paper.

"Look here Mick" says Paddy.........."Tree Fellers wanted!"

Mick replies......."That's too bad...there's only two of us."

 

[DappaDonDave]

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It’s a hardware problem.

 

[Khamelion]

Yo mammas so fat she's wears a sock on each toe

Yo mammas so fat, when she wears a yellow rain coat people shout taxi

Yo mammas so fat, even her shadow weighs 20lbs.

Yo mammas so fat, so has her own gravitational pull

Yo mammas so fat, people runs laps round her to keep fit

Yo mammas so fat, that when her phones beeps, people think she is reversing

 

[Blue in Munich]

An elderly couple, Pauline and Frank, were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said: “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”
Frank scribbled back: “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

 

[Andy]

Japanese couple in an argument

Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!!
Husband says:Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily:kina tim kouji

And you sit and read this as if you understand Japanese!

 

[Andy]

"G'day mate, Fosters helpline. What's the problem dude?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her vagina has completely closed up"

"Bummer dude"

"Thanks mate, bye"

 

[Val]

"G'day mate, Fosters helpline. What's the problem dude?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her vagina has completely closed up"

"Bummer dude"

"Thanks mate, bye"

It didnt take long to get an Andy special :rofl:

This is one of the few you could post and even then its touch and go

 

[Andy]

It didnt take long to get an Andy special :rofl:

This is one of the few you could post and even then its touch and go

Clean as a whistle Martin.

Oh so many I could post haha

 

[sfby]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing.

It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

 

[sfby]

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, I've decided - if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

 

[brendy]

A repost already!!

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, I've decided - if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.

The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.

The group is silent for a moment.

The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 

[sfby]

A repost already!!

Apologies for the repost - you'd have thought I'd spotted that on page 1! Doh!

 

[brendy]

haha no probs, at least it was a decent joke!

 

[Andy]

I rear ended a car this morning.

The start to a really bad day.

The driver got out of the car and he was a dwarf... He looked at me and said I'm not happy...so I said which one are u ?.

 

[Andy]

Failed a job interview today... apparently a gangbang isnt proof that you have worked as part of a team!

 

[Andy]

A Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel". The manager replied "Sir that's a personal matter ". Husband replies "Like hell it is! The window won't open so that's a maintenance matter !"