Slime
Tour Winner
Laughter - the best medicine
- Thread starter YandaB
- Start date
srixon 1
Journeyman Pro
Mudball
Assistant Pro
We can do 100k of these everyday.. BoJo & Hancock can take a day off
Doon frae Troon
Ryder Cup Winner
Michael Gove made me laugh on the Andrew Marr show this morning.
Not in a good way.
Not in a good way.
On my way to Asda earlier today a guy was cutting one of the bushes in his front garden... with his flymo
rosecott
Money List Winner
You don't know how much I miss fortune cookies.
bobmac
Major Champion
Mudball
Assistant Pro
Imurg
The Grinder Of Pars (Semi Crocked)
Speed gardening - I like his style
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £15,000 ring.
The man said,'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only £140,000' the jeweller said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said,'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir..There's no money in that account!'
'''I know,'said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"
The man said,'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only £140,000' the jeweller said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said,'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir..There's no money in that account!'
'''I know,'said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"
D
Deleted member 21258
Guest
FC Seoul apologises for 'sex dolls' in stands
Doon frae Troon
Ryder Cup Winner
My brothers neighbour prunes his roses with a chain saw......they are the best in the street.
Doon frae Troon
Ryder Cup Winner
Comment on Lord Faulkes, the Labour Unionist Peer, after someone asked if he was Scots.
'I believe he is 90% Scotch these days'.
'I believe he is 90% Scotch these days'.
Slime
Tour Winner
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.
‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing'!
‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.
‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing'!
Slime
Tour Winner
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray".
"Good" said the captain,
”you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short".
He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray".
"Good" said the captain,
”you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short".
Slime
Tour Winner
I played doctors and nurses with the wife last night...
All went well until I diagnosed her as clinically obese!
All went well until I diagnosed her as clinically obese!
Maninblack4612
Tour Winner
Slime
Tour Winner
JollyRedDevil
Club Champion
Dear Men, Gather round and pay close attention.
We are in severe danger.
We are now allowed out to play golf, great news but on the basis that all clubhouses are closed it is imperative that you do not go straight home after your round!
You MUST sit in your car for at least two hours afterwards! If we let them work out that it only takes three and a half hours we are screwed forever more! Remember that it is an absolute fact that any round of golf takes at least six hours and don’t let the side down.
Take a few beers with you when you go, then when you drive back home, park up out of sight of the house and have a beer, take a nap, check your mail on your phone, have another beer and another nap AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES RETURN HOME IN LESS THAN SIX HOURS! You owe it to your fellow men, don’t let the side down, we are in this together.
Preserve your man time, stay sane, drink beer and save your marriage! We owe it to our loved ones
We are in severe danger.
We are now allowed out to play golf, great news but on the basis that all clubhouses are closed it is imperative that you do not go straight home after your round!
You MUST sit in your car for at least two hours afterwards! If we let them work out that it only takes three and a half hours we are screwed forever more! Remember that it is an absolute fact that any round of golf takes at least six hours and don’t let the side down.
Take a few beers with you when you go, then when you drive back home, park up out of sight of the house and have a beer, take a nap, check your mail on your phone, have another beer and another nap AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES RETURN HOME IN LESS THAN SIX HOURS! You owe it to your fellow men, don’t let the side down, we are in this together.
Preserve your man time, stay sane, drink beer and save your marriage! We owe it to our loved ones
CliveW
Tour Winner
Somebody just threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
I only have Super Fish Oil injuries, but I'm lucky i wasn't krilled!
I only have Super Fish Oil injuries, but I'm lucky i wasn't krilled!
