Laughter - the best medicine
- Thread starter YandaB
- Start date
srixon 1
Journeyman Pro
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently:
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" One of them asked.
"Not yet." Said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Another half hour passed before another relative asked. "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet." Said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked. "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet." Replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked. "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When it cries." She told them.
"When it cries?" They gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"
"Because, I forgot where I put it."
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" One of them asked.
"Not yet." Said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Another half hour passed before another relative asked. "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet." Said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked. "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet." Replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked. "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When it cries." She told them.
"When it cries?" They gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"
"Because, I forgot where I put it."
srixon 1
Journeyman Pro
“The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
bobmac
Major Champion
Pants
Challenge Tour Pro
8:18 Bob? That's half the day gone 
Pants
Challenge Tour Pro
Smiffy
Grand Slam Winner
rulefan
Tour Winner
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and asked where he was going at that time of night.
He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied: "That would be my wife."
He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied: "That would be my wife."
AmandaJR
Money List Winner
In my case - girls need them too...the 10 year old in me thought "wow that looks amazing"!
SatchFan
Q-School Graduate
bobmac
Major Champion
More wine sir?
Mudball
Assistant Pro
Had to go to hospital yesterday. As I sat in the waiting room, a nurse popped in and said “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft a-gley, An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain For promis'd joy.”
Later, a doctor came in and said “Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace.”
I went to the receptionist to ask if I was in A&E, she replied, “No, this is the Burns unit.”
Later, a doctor came in and said “Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace.”
I went to the receptionist to ask if I was in A&E, she replied, “No, this is the Burns unit.”
backwoodsman
Tour Winner
On which note, greetings on Burns night to all north of the border. Sadly, I expect you've to pipe in your own haggis tonight. I'm neither Scottish nor a piper so I just eat the haggis. Slainte Mhath!
YandaB
Newbie
Frank Lampard on his sacking from Chelsea:-
Friends and family are everything,” said the former midfielder. “When I got home, John Terry was already there comforting Christine on the couch. Not sure how he heard the news so quickly, but they were both red-faced and breathless with emotion.”
Friends and family are everything,” said the former midfielder. “When I got home, John Terry was already there comforting Christine on the couch. Not sure how he heard the news so quickly, but they were both red-faced and breathless with emotion.”
Slime
Tour Winner
Pants
Challenge Tour Pro
A little boy gets home from school and says: "Dad, I've got a part in the school Nativity as a man who's been married for 25 years." His father replies: "Never mind son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
Slime
Tour Winner
Ran out of toilet paper this morning so had to do the trousers halfway down the legs waddle to get some more... I'm almost at Sainsbury's now..
Pathetic Shark
Tour Rookie
Slime
Tour Winner
A man was cleaning his shotgun when it accidentally went off and killed his wife.
He immediately called 999.
Man : "Please help me, I've accidentally shot the wife, I think she's dead".
Operator : "Please calm down sir, the first thing you have to do is make sure that she's really dead".
CLICK.
BANG.
Man : "Okay, done that. What next?"
He immediately called 999.
Man : "Please help me, I've accidentally shot the wife, I think she's dead".
Operator : "Please calm down sir, the first thing you have to do is make sure that she's really dead".
CLICK.
BANG.
Man : "Okay, done that. What next?"
