Laughter - the best medicine

[ColchesterFC]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike. It's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "
"You're in the team for Saturday."

 

[Slime]

 

[Dando]

My dads ill in hospital after he Accidentally ate a daffodil bulb instead of an onion.
doctors say he’ll be out in the spring

 

[SocketRocket]

Two Diaries....

Husband and Wife recording things in their diaries:



Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing".

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





Husband's Diary:

A five putt … who the hell five putts? !

Or:
How do flys walk upside down on the ceiling without falling off.

 

[Blue in Munich]

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says "Is this stool taken...?"

 

[Slime]

 

[Slime]

 

[rulefan]

 

[Slime]

 

[Slime]

 

[jim8flog]

Primary School Children Writing About The Sea
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jamie age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an *** on the top of its head. (Billy age 7)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8 )I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky age 8 )
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)

 

[Slime]

 

[Pants]

A man opens door to find a policeman, holding a photo. "Is this your wife, sir?" the copper asks. The man nods, so the cop clears his throat and says, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident." "Yeah, I know," says the man, "but she's got a lovely personality."

 

[Tashyboy]

Nicola sturgeon is introducing three doses for the Covid vaccine in Scotland.
a first dose
a second dose
a Fandabbydose

 

[Old Skier]

 

[Old Skier]

 

[Slime]

 

[toyboy54]

Finally got SWMBO to sit and go through some of these--she still can't understand why the tears are literally running down my face(and PML)!
Weird woman,think she's misplaced the humour gene??
Thanks for the laughs folks-really good!
Jimbo

 

[williamalex1]

Finally got SWMBO to sit and go through some of these--she still can't understand why the tears are literally running down my face(and PML)!
Weird woman,think she's misplaced the humour gene??
Thanks for the laughs folks-really good!
Jimbo

My wife's the same, why she ever married me I don't know or mibbie it's vice versa . Or her Humourectomy

 

[Pathetic Shark]

The former Mrs Shark never thought Blazing Saddles was funny. That should be enough of a message for me.