Woman killed by husband on golf course...

[slugger]

Wayne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Chardonnay, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Wayne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner:" Wayne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the head, is that correct?"

Wayne: "Yes mate, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ar*e."

Wayne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"

Coroner: "It was, yes"

Wayne: "That was my provisional."

 

[KeefG]

lmfao

 

[CarpeDiem]

Thats a good one better than the last joke that I saw posted on here.

 

[HartleyHare]

Class!

 

[Cernunnos]

Funny... but sick

I've got a bad one I heard at work recently, though again in probably worse taste is funny.

"Whats Jade Goody & an egg got in common....?
They'll both be in a box by easter..!"

Said it was sick

 

[HomerJSimpson]

On that line and following on from the thread about different names for shots - Sally Gunnell = ugly runner etc

The new one is the Jade Goody - a shot played into the crap with no chance of recovery

 

[slugger]

Surely there's better things to joke about than a person dying of cancer???

Post your funny golf related jokes here

 

[KeefG]

The new one is the Jade Goody - a shot played into the crap with no chance of recovery

I know i shouldnt laugh, but i just spat tea all over my laptop when i read that

 

[CarpeDiem]

There have been a few very harsh jokes about Jade Goody floating around the sixth form common room today, but not sure if this is the right place to post them?

 

[USER1999]

Probably best not to.

 

[Cernunnos]

There are some people who are considered fair game any time as far a humour is concerned no matter what the situation. But one & a half example on that side topic are more than enough really.

Been trying to think of a good golf related gag, but can't come up with anything right now.

 

[RGuk]

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consumate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "I've only been with one guy, and I'm sure you're not going to be impressed with my loose morals"

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

 

[Leftie]

Variation on a theme....


A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they
came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep
into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out.

Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over
there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could
hit it right through and reach the green."

So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball
it goes straight through the first doors of the barn, hits the
crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head,
killing her stone dead.

Well, about a year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend.
He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results: a hook
deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs
up to him and says, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I
open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the
green."

"No way," replies the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."

 

[Fore]

Great jokes. I especially enjoyed the tiger one.

 

[viscount17]

Firstly, this has nothing to do with golf
Secondly, put your cup down.


By the time you complete this page this you will understand 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' Do not scroll to the end.

In order to continue getting-by in our native country, we all need to learn the new English language. Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'. Then with a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

The following is a telephone exchange between you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in, well could be the moon . . .


"Morrin. Roon sirbees."


"Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."


"Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"


"Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."


"Ow July den?"


".....What?"


"Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"


"Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."


"Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"


"Crisp will be fine."


"Hokay. An Sahn toes?"


"What?"


"An toes. July Sahn toes?"


"I... don't think so."


"No? Judo wan sahn toes?"


"I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."


"Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow moppin we bodder?"


"Oh, muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, a muffin will be fine."


"We bodder?"


"No, just put the bodder on the side."


"Wad?!?"


"I mean butter... just put the but ter on the side."


"Copy?"


"Excuse me?"


"Copy...tea..meel?"


"Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."


"One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"


"Whatever you say."


"Tenjooberrymuds."




"You're welcome"


Remember I said "By the time you read through this you will understand 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'.....and you do, don't you!

 

[Cernunnos]

Its about as clear as mud

 

[HTL]

Thank you very much.

 

[minty18]

Some very good jokes here. Mine are way too offensive so i'll keep quiet.

 

[RGDave]

I practiced and got all my office doing it.

ten joo berry muds.

 

[USER1999]

An old man walks into an icecream parlour. He says to the girl behind the counter 'can I have a banana split please love'. With this he sits down a bit gingerly, and pulls a face. 'Crushed nuts?' she asks, no he replies, just a touch of arthritis.