rulie
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If there isn't a victim, there isn't a story! Seems the same in the media.
Laughter - the best medicine
- Thread starter YandaB
- Start date
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Pants
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Slime
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PhilTheFragger
Provider of Entertainment for the Golfing Gods 🙄
Mel Smooth
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Pants
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Tom O’Mally and Sean Finnegan were the two most important farmers in a small town just outside Dublin. From an early age, they’d been sworn enemies. The slightest mis-spoken word or sideways glance was enough to set them brawling in the street.
By pure bad luck, one morning they both ended up in the local barbershop at the exact same time.
You could’ve cut the tension with a knife. They sat less than a yard apart, each getting a trim and shave from different barbers, not a word spoken. The barbers were too afraid to even make small talk, worried the old rivals would kick off.
When the barber working on Tom finished his shave, he reached for the cologne.
Tom said,
“No aftershave for me - my wife would take one sniff and think I’d been inside a brothel.”
The other barber, having just finished with Sean, asked,
“And how about you, Sir? A splash of cologne?”
Sean glanced over at Tom and replied,
“To be sure, go ahead. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”
And that’s when the fight began...
By pure bad luck, one morning they both ended up in the local barbershop at the exact same time.
You could’ve cut the tension with a knife. They sat less than a yard apart, each getting a trim and shave from different barbers, not a word spoken. The barbers were too afraid to even make small talk, worried the old rivals would kick off.
When the barber working on Tom finished his shave, he reached for the cologne.
Tom said,
“No aftershave for me - my wife would take one sniff and think I’d been inside a brothel.”
The other barber, having just finished with Sean, asked,
“And how about you, Sir? A splash of cologne?”
Sean glanced over at Tom and replied,
“To be sure, go ahead. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”
And that’s when the fight began...
Pants
Challenge Tour Pro
After getting Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The President?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The President?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
nickjdavis
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Slime
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Sid Rixon IV
Head Pro
Sylvester Stallone is pitching a new film idea to Jean Claude and Arnie.
Sly : "Its called The Three Great Composers"
Sly: "I'll be Beethoven"
Jean Claude: "I'll be Mozart"
Arnie: "I'm not gonna say it!"
Sly : "Its called The Three Great Composers"
Sly: "I'll be Beethoven"
Jean Claude: "I'll be Mozart"
Arnie: "I'm not gonna say it!"
nickjdavis
Head Pro
What do you give a girl that has everything?
Penicillin.
Penicillin.
Sid Rixon IV
Head Pro
Two policemen just knocked on my door.
They showed me a photograph and said "Do you know this woman?
I said "Yes, it's my wife"
They said "It looks like she's been hit by a bus".
I said "That's a bit harsh!"
They showed me a photograph and said "Do you know this woman?
I said "Yes, it's my wife"
They said "It looks like she's been hit by a bus".
I said "That's a bit harsh!"
Pants
Challenge Tour Pro
Dad took Mum and Dave to Brisbane for the first time. Mum had an appointment with a doctor, so the two men went off for a walk along Queen Street. As they passed a building, the door opened automatically. They decided to go in, having to dodge as the doors tried to close before they were properly inside.
“Gosh, Dad, I hope we can get back out again,” said Dave.
While in the auditorium, they watched as a woman, old and wrinkled, hobbled past. She made her way to a marble wall and a section of it mysteriously slid open. The woman stepped in and the wall closed behind her. Dad and Dave stood watching as a counter above the door climbed from 0 to 20. It paused for a few moments and then counted back down to 0. There was a ‘ding’, the wall opened and a beautiful, spry young woman stepped out, walking brightly out of the building.
Dad stood, looking slackjawed at his son. Then he twigged!
“Son, go get your mother…!”
“Gosh, Dad, I hope we can get back out again,” said Dave.
While in the auditorium, they watched as a woman, old and wrinkled, hobbled past. She made her way to a marble wall and a section of it mysteriously slid open. The woman stepped in and the wall closed behind her. Dad and Dave stood watching as a counter above the door climbed from 0 to 20. It paused for a few moments and then counted back down to 0. There was a ‘ding’, the wall opened and a beautiful, spry young woman stepped out, walking brightly out of the building.
Dad stood, looking slackjawed at his son. Then he twigged!
“Son, go get your mother…!”
