Slime
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Laughter - the best medicine
- Thread starter YandaB
- Start date
Slime
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AmandaJR
Money List Winner
One for @murphthemog
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in cheese.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in cheese.
Imurg
The Grinder Of Pars (Semi Crocked)
Mmm..with my feline, don't forget our relationship is officially classed as"Strained", I'd be halfway through step 1 before I would have to retrieve my severed finger and put it on ice before dialing 999 in the vain hope of them reattaching it....Cats are gits
SwingsitlikeHogan
Major Champion
The teenage son of one of my mates had no money to buy a Mother's Day present for his mum. My mate said he'd give him £10 if he mowed the lawn. His lad mowed the lawn and got the £10, which he then spent on food that he scoffed himself. His mum blew her top with him. She got a reluctant 'sorry' for a Mother's Day present. [True]
Last edited:
USER1999
Grand Slam Winner
The cats and tablets thing is so true.
Or, take it to the vet, and feel like an idiot when a 17 year old trainee veterinary assistant gets it done in 20s, no troubles at all.
Or, take it to the vet, and feel like an idiot when a 17 year old trainee veterinary assistant gets it done in 20s, no troubles at all.
Imurg
The Grinder Of Pars (Semi Crocked)
Seeing as I prefer my fingers attached I'm struggling to see a problem here..
williamalex1
Money List Winner
We had to crush pills up and put it in a cheese ball, for our dog RIP. We'd previously tried all sorts of methods to insert whole pills, but they would just reappear somewhere in the house later.
Just like the regurgitator guy on the TV.
Just like the regurgitator guy on the TV.
CliveW
Tour Winner
rulefan
Tour Winner
Slime
Tour Winner
Mrs Slime has a small penis!!
I never knew that.
I never knew that.
bobmac
Major Champion
drdel
Tour Rookie
Mrs Slime has a small penis!!
I never knew that.
Did you not do ýou 'due diligence ' and indepth research
Slime
Tour Winner
Did you not do ýou 'due diligence ' and in depth research
I did the 'in depth' bit, thought I'd have noticed it then!
Slime
Tour Winner
drdel
Tour Rookie
Imurg
The Grinder Of Pars (Semi Crocked)
RichA
Well-known member
That was before the actual jab.
"He saw it coming and took evasive action. He had a right to go down."
Pants
Challenge Tour Pro
Isn’t it strange how many Formula 1 drivers have names of Scottish places? Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine, Ayr Town Centre…
USER1999
Grand Slam Winner
Probably had the jab in the other arm too.
