How would you deal with hostility in the work place?

[Britishshooting]

Not sure how I feel about a situation, well I do but think I need to wrap my head around more sensible options and approaches, sorry it's a little long.

My partner works in hospitality, she was front of house at a hotel for 4 years, we relocated for a year and she found the same role at another hotel.

A year later we moved back to the area and as the hotel owner knows her parents so was aware of this and reached out and asked if she'd consider coming back. She was offered a trainee hotel manager role to lure her in and would receive the training over a year period in readiness for the current hotel manager to retire. She already conducted a lot of the duties it was more a formality to get certain paperwork and allow a review process for an easy transition.

She accepted and started back in December 2018. The staff are still brilliant but a particular girl whose nose has been put out of joint by this is going out of her way constantly to try and trip her up, discredit her etc. as she feel more deserving. She's 35 years old, 12 years older than my partner and has resorted to being a complete 2 faced bully.

A lot of underhandedness has gone on, one such recent instance was when my partner was dealing with a complaint, said individual went into the office and within several minutes searched for jobs. This was particularly sly as my partner was logged in on her account, as she came back into the office said individual advised she was checking the rota before it went out. My partner thought no more of it and the next day got a complete rollocking by the director as it turned out the girl had advised him that she caught eva searching and applying for jobs in works time. My partner advised she most definitely hadn't and wouldn't do this. Since then the director hasn't been the same with her. Probably worried he's wasting a year on training for her to leave etc. which isn't the case.

My partner is so strong minded and willed but i've never seen her so defeated. She dreads work when this woman is there, she's in constant worry about what next trap is going to be deployed and what that may result in.

My partner has directly questioned said individual and it's all been denied with a fake facade and acting all friendly.

Now I'm just torn, I want to go over there and go ballistic but I know thats the worse thing I can do.

Just had my partner in tears on the phone which has prompted this as the director just made some statement along the lines of

' You used to be part of the team, now you're not'. So god knows what little game this snide little grotbag has played this time.

My partner is a massive team player, friendly, kind and approachable and unfortunately is falling victim to somebodies games, the director is obviously being manipulated also to see things from a skewed angle. The main concern is also the things she doesn't know, she has found some of these things out herself there are obviously going to be more situations she has no idea about.

I've told her to hand her notice in today if she feels trapped and anxious about her job but she doesn't want to throw the opportunity away and let the other girl win. I see her point but to be honest i'm not sure how much more she can take in terms of mind games. Her mental wellbeing is more important than the income, especially when she could find another job fairly quickly without all this drama and stress.

 

[USER1999]

I think you are right, your partner should just leave. Life is not worth the grief.

The idiot in charge is welcome to what he gets left with. Long term she will ruin his life, as she will only get mote poisonous with success.

 

[Hobbit]

If the hotel is not part of a chain, with all the HR infrastructure behind it, leave.

Alternatively, if you wife has kept a diary of all the instances of underhandedness, and feels she can lay them all before the Director and get a fair hearing... And if she really has the guts for it, make it a 3-way meeting. Ask the Director to sit in on a meeting between her and the 'sneak.' She controls the meeting, and asks all the questions. If he fudges and dodges a meeting, he's already made up his mind.

Being blunt, why has your wife allowed it to reach this point? Why hasn't she opened up to the Director as soon as this sort of thing started? It sounds like a bit of inexperience. Issues like this have to be managed up and well as down. The Director should be aware of something as poisonous this as soon as it starts.

Personally, if it is a privately owned hotel, I'd be looking for something elsewhere.

 

[Bunkermagnet]

I would approach the director and ask why would she come back to a job that they asked her to return to, to then immediately start looking for another job on a work pc?
I would tell the director and everyone else what this woman has done and is doing, and ask if bullying is tolerated, and if not what are they going to do about it.
If the answers arent good enough then leave them to it but make it clear to everyone why shes going.

Another way would be to go to the doctors, and be signed off with "stress from bullying" for a month or more, that would cause a flutter.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

First off, you can not get involved directly, your partner has to deal with this.

She needs to make an appointment with her boss and have a very frank discussion / meeting about what is happening. Lay it all out, hold nothing back. If the boss does not believe her then she probably needs to move on. If he does then he needs to back her in how to deal with the problem worker. Your partner needs to have a proper plan for how to deal with the other worker, she can't just point fingers and rant.

It is management time and unfortunately part of being in management is dealing with unpleasant people, some of whom are not on your side.

Whichever way it goes remind your partner it is only a job, there are plenty in hospitality, and it is not worth making yourself ill over. In effect she sorts it out or leaves for her own sake.

Good luck.

 

[jusme]

I wud not quit, but then the personality is important as it dictates how you deal with, tolerate and are affected by difficult situations. I would be direct, strong, and confident with all parties and make clear what is and has happened witht those that matter.

If the fire is too hot then yes, get out as life is not worth the fight is if its not your style. Do what is right for you

 

[AmandaJR]

She needs to have a frank discussion with the director and tell him everything that has been going on - no holds barred.

Then wait and see what action is taken against this nasty bitch. I am one but I hate women - nasty, back-stabbing, conniving bitches the lot of them (well almost the lot of them)!

If he doesn't back her up and deal with the bitch then she has to leave. Not worth it.

 

[Tashyboy]

If she can get a job elsewhere, then that is the positive, not a negative.

Back to bitch though. If she is 35 and your Missis is 23, she is playing on the fact your Missis is considerably younger and more vulnerable? Your Missis needs to see said director and give him both barrels and tell him the bottom line is " back me or sack me". If she is manager she needs to let the director know the buck stops with her, not miss sneaky deaky. Miss Sneaky deaky may well of upset others, which to an extent is for others to deal with, but then again as a manager. She should have dealt with.
Finally, one person has not been mentioned, the hotel owner who employed her. If the director is not playing game, I would burst a gut to go over his head and see the person who employed her.👍

 

[Doh]

First off, you can not get involved directly, your partner has to deal with this.

She needs to make an appointment with her boss and have a very frank discussion / meeting about what is happening. Lay it all out, hold nothing back. If the boss does not believe her then she probably needs to move on. If he does then he needs to back her in how to deal with the problem worker. Your partner needs to have a proper plan for how to deal with the other worker, she can't just point fingers and rant.

It is management time and unfortunately part of being in management is dealing with unpleasant people, some of whom are not on your side.

Whichever way it goes remind your partner it is only a job, there are plenty in hospitality, and it is not worth making yourself ill over. In effect she sorts it out or leaves for her own sake.

Good luck.

Agree with LT the director needs to deal with this and your parter needs to make him aware what is going on. Please don't get personally involved. If she does not think it's being delt with then is the time to leave, this person has been overlooked for a reason and the director must be aware why.

 

[HomerJSimpson]

I think to start with the partner needs to document everything (dates, times, exactly what happened etc) and keep a record if only fir her own protection if things go awry. Also it then gives her a basis to go to the boss and have a discussion regarding the incident which could be seen as borderline bullying/harrassment in the workplace and which should be covered by policy (and legislation) regardless of the size of the operation. Ultimately though it will be down to the manager to decide how to proceed and how quickly and so the person in the OP needs to be aware this could drag on or not go in her favour and has to decide if she can take the aggravation ongoing until she has her evidence and can speak to management or whether she'd be happy to leave, find another role and make a fresh start. Whatever route she goes down, she has to do it herself and the OP should not get involved in any way

 

[virtuocity]

I would ask the director for a performance review with the intention of locking a door and not leaving the room until both air their views and come up with solutions to problems causing anxiety.

This should have a focus on her own development and the needs of the business.

A lot of her anxiety will be as a result of things she doesn't know (what is that cow saying about me; how does the director really feel about me). This will be an opportunity to discuss this.

If she's in a position whereby the director has raised concerns about her professional performance (even if it's nonsense) this will give them both an opportunity to identify training or other opportunities to address concerns- if she jumps through those hoops it will prove to the director she is invested in her job and the company.

Beyond that, she can gain positive feedback on what the director feels she is doing well. Sometimes reflective discussion is the only way to realise what we already knew.

I think it's about two adults finding a common goal (in this case the business thriving) and working to a plan to meet that goal. In my line of work we call it task-centred practice and it's particularly useful when working with those who don't agree with you!

Saying that, she might think it's not worth it and there is nothing wrong about moving on to avoid the stress- I would just like to think that if she works to a strategy to reduce the source of the stress that she can come through this and thrive in the role- she'll still carry the trauma of this experience if she were to leave and it will need 'dealt with' either way.

As for you, your job is to affirm he position and support her in whatever decision she makes.

Good luck.

 

[Crazyface]

She needs to have a frank discussion with the director and tell him everything that has been going on - no holds barred.

Then wait and see what action is taken against this nasty bitch. I am one but I hate women - nasty, back-stabbing, conniving bitches the lot of them (well almost the lot of them)!

If he doesn't back her up and deal with the bitch then she has to leave. Not worth it.

This....with knobs on. The voice of experience.

 

[londonlewis]

I would potentially go for a two pronged approach as there are two issues that need to be resolved.

Firstly, your better half needs to smooth things out with her boss. She needs them to know that she is fully committed and ambitious. So something like 'Can we have a chat? I just want to say thank you for the opportunity here and I'm really glad I came back. I'm settling in well to my training and I'm looking forward to finishing it with flying colours so I can dedicate my efforts to the hotel manager role when the time comes'. 'There is something that I need help with however, and it is causing me difficulties at work .....'
She needs to explain this issue to her manager. Calmly, professionally and objectively. 'I do not know whether me joining and being given the opportunity to become hotel manager has put (whatever her name is) nose out of joint but there is an issue between us that you need to be aware of'. 'I need your support to ensure I can focus on my development for the betterment of the business whilst I complete my training course on the way to managing this hotel'.
The message I recommend portraying is; I'm committed to working here, I'm dedicated to the business, I'm ambitious and want to work hard. Translation = I am loyal, don't think I am not

Secondly, she needs to speak with the lady that is causing the issues. If your better half can understand what this ladies problem is / what her motivation is, she will be in a better position to disarm her. I wouldn't recommend she asks 'what is your problem with me?' because she is unlikely to get a genuine answer and the lady probably wouldn't want to tell her the truth anyway. My guess, it could be any of the following;
- her nose is out of joint because she feels that she should have been given the opportunity your better half has
- she feels that your better half hasn't earned the opportunity she has been given
- she feels that she is being overlooked (not necessarily for the opportunity itself but in the knowledge she has of the business)
- she is dismissive of your better half because she is much younger and what could she possibly know? Maybe she was told this before

Anyway, whatever it is it is unlikely to be something your better half has actually done. It is more likely to be an insecurity this lady has and she is projecting it on to your better half.

My recommendation is that she could say something like this;
'I understand that your nose is out of joint because I've been given this opportunity and maybe you feel that you've been overlooked or I haven't earned it but I want you to understand that I have earned it and will continue to earn it by over-performing during my training programme' 'Or maybe you feel threatened by me being here and the fact that this company is investing in me. We are not in competition and you do not need to feel threatened by me. We are all here to work together and should be focussing on the customer experience of our guests'

It shouldn't be confrontational. If the above reasons are why this woman is being difficult, it should disarm her.

If she is passionate about the opportunity she has, I would really hope she doesn't just jack it in. Good luck with it. I hope it works out.

 

[Blue in Munich]

Any CCTV on the front desk? Be interesting if it showed your other half dealing with someone at the counter at the same time the internet history shows the job searches being made...

 

[Britishshooting]

Some great advice, thank you.

A little update.

She had a sit down with the boss and it appears he had been completely bamboozled by this other women, he highlighted a catalogue of issues which had been pointed towards my partner some of which were e-mails that dealt with complaints in a very unprofessional manor.

Fortunately she was proactive enough to go armed with the past few weeks of rota's this highlighted a lot of mistakes pointed at my partner had occurred on her days off. There were also 5 e-mails sent that had been signed off by her when she wasn't in the office and can't remotely access the account.

It all turned out to be quite eye opening and he has profusely apologised and arranged a meeting with the other party as she was rota'd in on every single occasion a questionable e-mail was sent signed off by my partner. Not full proof but it certainly backs my partners claims.

Not sure if this can even be an instant dismissal or warning but I wouldn't personally employ someone that is doing a dis-service to the company reputation and imitating another employee in the mean time to try and get their own foot up.

Complete cow bag.

Whilst all this has been going i convinced my partner to apply for several jobs in horticultural and landscape architecture as that's where her passion, degree and experience lie. She was short listed to one of the 4 spots for an interview so fingers crossed she gets it and she can then let the boss swivel for not trusting her on her word and get out of a toxic environment. It would also give her time and flexibility to start her own garden design company which she used to do alongside her degree.

The other girl won't win if she leaves anyway now as she'll never get a managerial role having shown her true colours unless the director is a complete idiot.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Really pleased to hear such a good outcome. Hopefully, whichever route your partner takes, she will feel far more confident now. Whilst the situation was unpleasant she has come out of it well and should feel good about herself.

Well done to you as well. It is hard to be the other half in that situation.

 

[Foxholer]

I would potentially go for a two pronged approach as there are two issues that need to be resolved.

Firstly, your better half needs to smooth things out with her boss. She needs them to know that she is fully committed and ambitious. So something like 'Can we have a chat? I just want to say thank you for the opportunity here and I'm really glad I came back. I'm settling in well to my training and I'm looking forward to finishing it with flying colours so I can dedicate my efforts to the hotel manager role when the time comes'. 'There is something that I need help with however, and it is causing me difficulties at work .....'
She needs to explain this issue to her manager. Calmly, professionally and objectively. 'I do not know whether me joining and being given the opportunity to become hotel manager has put (whatever her name is) nose out of joint but there is an issue between us that you need to be aware of'. 'I need your support to ensure I can focus on my development for the betterment of the business whilst I complete my training course on the way to managing this hotel'.
The message I recommend portraying is; I'm committed to working here, I'm dedicated to the business, I'm ambitious and want to work hard. Translation = I am loyal, don't think I am not

Secondly, she needs to speak with the lady that is causing the issues. If your better half can understand what this ladies problem is / what her motivation is, she will be in a better position to disarm her. I wouldn't recommend she asks 'what is your problem with me?' because she is unlikely to get a genuine answer and the lady probably wouldn't want to tell her the truth anyway. My guess, it could be any of the following;
- her nose is out of joint because she feels that she should have been given the opportunity your better half has
- she feels that your better half hasn't earned the opportunity she has been given
- she feels that she is being overlooked (not necessarily for the opportunity itself but in the knowledge she has of the business)
- she is dismissive of your better half because she is much younger and what could she possibly know? Maybe she was told this before

Anyway, whatever it is it is unlikely to be something your better half has actually done. It is more likely to be an insecurity this lady has and she is projecting it on to your better half.

My recommendation is that she could say something like this;
'I understand that your nose is out of joint because I've been given this opportunity and maybe you feel that you've been overlooked or I haven't earned it but I want you to understand that I have earned it and will continue to earn it by over-performing during my training programme' 'Or maybe you feel threatened by me being here and the fact that this company is investing in me. We are not in competition and you do not need to feel threatened by me. We are all here to work together and should be focussing on the customer experience of our guests'

It shouldn't be confrontational. If the above reasons are why this woman is being difficult, it should disarm her.

If she is passionate about the opportunity she has, I would really hope she doesn't just jack it in. Good luck with it. I hope it works out.

This is the 'perfect' way to handle it!

Some great advice, thank you.

A little update.

She had a sit down with the boss and it appears he had been completely bamboozled by this other women, he highlighted a catalogue of issues which had been pointed towards my partner some of which were e-mails that dealt with complaints in a very unprofessional manor.

Fortunately she was proactive enough to go armed with the past few weeks of rota's this highlighted a lot of mistakes pointed at my partner had occurred on her days off. There were also 5 e-mails sent that had been signed off by her when she wasn't in the office and can't remotely access the account.

It all turned out to be quite eye opening and he has profusely apologised and arranged a meeting with the other party as she was rota'd in on every single occasion a questionable e-mail was sent signed off by my partner. Not full proof but it certainly backs my partners claims.

Not sure if this can even be an instant dismissal or warning but I wouldn't personally employ someone that is doing a dis-service to the company reputation and imitating another employee in the mean time to try and get their own foot up.

Complete cow bag.

Whilst all this has been going i convinced my partner to apply for several jobs in horticultural and landscape architecture as that's where her passion, degree and experience lie. She was short listed to one of the 4 spots for an interview so fingers crossed she gets it and she can then let the boss swivel for not trusting her on her word and get out of a toxic environment. It would also give her time and flexibility to start her own garden design company which she used to do alongside her degree.

The other girl won't win if she leaves anyway now as she'll never get a managerial role having shown her true colours unless the director is a complete idiot.

And a pretty much 'perfect' result!

 

[3offTheTee]

So sorry to hear of the problems and hope they are resolved for the better soon.

obviously a lesson to be learnt is not to go away from your Computer without logging off. Realise hindsight etc. but it would have been one less problem.
If the retiree only has 7 months to go hopefully she can persevere for this period and the tables will then be turned. However this will still be a difficult situation to handle but I am sure the 35 year old, if still employed will not be relishing the situation at the end of the year.

Also the 35 year old should perhaps ask herself why she was overlooked!

 

[Blue in Munich]

Some great advice, thank you.

A little update.

She had a sit down with the boss and it appears he had been completely bamboozled by this other women, he highlighted a catalogue of issues which had been pointed towards my partner some of which were e-mails that dealt with complaints in a very unprofessional manor.

Fortunately she was proactive enough to go armed with the past few weeks of rota's this highlighted a lot of mistakes pointed at my partner had occurred on her days off. There were also 5 e-mails sent that had been signed off by her when she wasn't in the office and can't remotely access the account.

It all turned out to be quite eye opening and he has profusely apologised and arranged a meeting with the other party as she was rota'd in on every single occasion a questionable e-mail was sent signed off by my partner. Not full proof but it certainly backs my partners claims.

Not sure if this can even be an instant dismissal or warning but I wouldn't personally employ someone that is doing a dis-service to the company reputation and imitating another employee in the mean time to try and get their own foot up.

Complete cow bag.

Whilst all this has been going i convinced my partner to apply for several jobs in horticultural and landscape architecture as that's where her passion, degree and experience lie. She was short listed to one of the 4 spots for an interview so fingers crossed she gets it and she can then let the boss swivel for not trusting her on her word and get out of a toxic environment. It would also give her time and flexibility to start her own garden design company which she used to do alongside her degree.

The other girl won't win if she leaves anyway now as she'll never get a managerial role having shown her true colours unless the director is a complete idiot.

If the boss of this place is prat enough to not even check a basic like this then I'd be offski regardless if the outcome of the chat.

 

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

Apparently some bosses might say - nothing to see here...even when the evidence is clear - and of course that would be unacceptable...one might think

Now I've been very lucky as I've never experienced or witnessed it - but over the years my wife has witnessed it too many times in the NHS - and as she says - though not herself 'the bullied', simply witnessing it happen and seeing work colleagues distressed and in tears as a result - with the thought that 'I might be next' - that is horrid. Indeed the perpetrators of the bullying in all cases have been individuals who 'you'd never think' would do it - and who might even be a bit 'shocked' that their behaviour was not 'strong management' or 'assertiveness' - but bullying.

After retiring my wife could have gone back to her previous team but didn't because of the 'bullying' she had been seeing in the team for many years...and even now - in a bank role - she tells how dreadful the atmosphere in the team is as the corrosive influence of the behaviour remains. And it impacts everyone - in their work and at home...and it can lead to dark places.

Workplace bullying should never be excused or accommodated. No matter who you are.

Yes the thought is triggered by events in the news - but it has my wife sitting talking to me quite distressed and angry about what she has seen over the years...and that was not properly dealt with by her NHS management. It is still with her.