Secret affair 😜

[williamalex1]

We're totally shocked/amazed, a unmarried family friend has just told us that she's been having a very secret affair with a married man for 25 years and he has suddenly died.
Seemingly he leaves a wife and 2 children in their late teens.
She doesn't drive and has asked my wife if she would take her to the funeral.
I don't think she should attend the funeral or my wife should drive her there.
What's your thoughts?

 

[Singlefiguregokfer]

Let her go,
Let your wife take her,
Take your phone and record it…it could be explosive and perfect for social media shits and giggles

 

[Pants]

Wow! Not an easy one but my initial gut feeling is that she shouldn't go. He's dead so (depending on what she believes) he will never know that she didn't attend and his family don't need to know (if they don't already).

 

[bobmac]

I don't think she should attend the funeral or my wife should drive her there.What's your thoughts?

I agree, what will she achieve?

 

[Reemul]

Wow! Not an easy one but my initial gut feeling is that she shouldn't go. He's dead so (depending on what she believes) he will never know that she didn't attend and his family don't need to know (if they don't already).

Loads of strangers go to funerals, no one knows who she is or even suspects, she can just sit at the back. She will have some closure for a man she obviously loved for 25 years, that's a bit of an ignorant comment. She should go, I mean the husband hasn't exactly been a good one has he, 25 years.

 

[williamalex1]

I agree, what will she achieve?

More grief for his wife and family,

 

[chico]

Give her a bus or train timetable. If she wants to go she'll go. Taxis are also available.
On a more serious note try and persuade her not to. If anyone asks her how she knew the deceased it could be awkward for his wife and children. A better idea would be for her to visit his grave later on just the two of them with his wife not there like it's been for 25 years.

 

[backwoodsman]

If she wants to go, she should go. It's up to her how she conducts herself and not up to others to moralise. But its not fair of her to involve your wife and there are many ways she could get there under her own steam.

 

[Hobbit]

It’s a “no” from me. If for some reason she’s asked who are you and how did you know Fred, how will she answer. Also, a 25 year affair will have seen the guy away from home for all sorts of bogus reasons. I doubt very much the guy’s wife didn’t have any suspicions. How embarrassing for your wife if there’s a scene, especially if she’s known by some of the people there.

If the woman is determined to go - taxi…

 

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

I think I may have to go against the grain a bit, but I’ll make it about me as I can only speak for myself.

Sometimes I have to do things that I really don’t want to do. If it were me and a close mate, I’d see that my friend clearly trusts me totally and values my close friendship to the extent of exposing himself and his secret to me - and that would be both difficult and possibly shameful for him, and he would likely be feeling very vulnerable. I hope I’d realise that it’s not my place to make moral judgements on the relationship my friend had with the deceased, and indeed I may not have any idea of the relationship the deceased had with his spouse and wider family.

If I felt very uncomfortable about being present at the funeral and being asked awkward questions I can take my friend to the wedding; drop him off and wait outside, maybe parked some distance away. But if asked to be with my friend at the funeral, to anyone who asks I am simply his friend. My friend chooses how he describes his relationship with the deceased, that is not for me.

The important thing for me would be the strength of my friendship and willingness and desire to continue it, and so support my friend after the funeral, both immediately and in the longer term. I would hopefully recognise his grief despite any disapproval I might feel of his behaviour. And without excusing or condoning his behaviour I can look to forgive him - none of us are perfect - we all have flaws and weaknesses often resulting in the almost inexplicable.

It’s hard, but in a difficult situation understanding the right thing to do - and then doing it - very often is.

 

[Voyager EMH]

Sometimes in life we have to do the hard thing.
For her the hard thing is not going to the funeral and then let the widow and children know nothing about what she and the deceased decided to keep secret anyway.
This would be a compassionate act.

Their secret affair has ended. Let that be the end - in secret, undisclosed.

 

[Fade and Die]

Is it her intention to just slip in at the back last minute, then quickly leave after or does she intend to become something of a main character at the funeral?

As said by Hobbit, I would be very surprised if the Mrs didn’t know or have an inkling about her, how cruel to want to go to rub the widows nose in it.

 

[Tashyboy]

As I see it, she had a secret affair for 25 years. Now the guy is gone she wants to involve a third party ( your wife) to take her to the Funeral. I am amazed that she thinks it is ok to put your wife on the spot. She did what she did on her own. She should travel to the funeral on her own, and I don’t think she should go. I am with you on this.
I also do not understand why she wants to go to the funeral. She can say goodbye to her Lover in a place that was special to them. She could say goodbye without being at the service.
Personally it sounds like a far fetched Emmerdale story. And if a 25 year lover came to the funeral of my wife, I would not be responsible for my actions.

 

[AmandaJR]

I'm conflicted on this. She wants to say goodbye to the man she's loved for 25 years. The secretive nature of the relationship does mean that for 25 years she's missed out on many things. His birthday, holidays, Christmas etc etc. So maybe she has to accept that this is another of those life (death) moments she has to miss out on.

She hasn't confided in or involved your wife regarding the relationship before and shouldn't have now.

If it was my best friend...despite all I've said...I'd take her. Or persuade her of an alternative we could do together. If she was a "family friend" and not close then I wouldn't.

 

[PJ87]

We're totally shocked/amazed, a unmarried family friend has just told us that she's been having a very secret affair with a married man for 25 years and he has suddenly died.
Seemingly he leaves a wife and 2 children in their late teens.
She doesn't drive and has asked my wife if she would take her to the funeral.
I don't think she should attend the funeral or my wife should drive her there.
What's your thoughts?

There are so many angles on it. Yes she wants to say goodbye to the guy she loved .. get that 100%

There is a chance his wife knew. However what are the chances the kids knew? Big risk of tainting memories of their late father.

Also how many of his friends knew? They might have met up and kept it secret, if they see her there "what are you doing here. You can't be here" just unnecessary risks tbh .

As others have said say goodbye in her own way somewhere special to them.

 

[SteveW86]

Bit of a tangent here, but why would someone accept being a “bit on the side” for 25 years.

Can of worms when the will gets read out

 

[IanM]

There's some informed comments on here, sounding like some experience of the issue?

If it's a burial, rather than a crematation, offer to take her to visit the grave after the event.

Too much risk of causing more hurt.

 

[Tashyboy]

Just spoke to Missis T to get a ladies perspective on it. She mentioned about some very close friends of ours. Missis Ts mate was asked to take her another friend to see a guy she was knocking odd on the side. She took her friend. She instantly regretted it, she regretted getting involved and wishes she hadn’t. They had words about it afterwards

 

[BiMGuy]

Tell her to get a taxi if she’s that desperate to go.

 

[Tashyboy]

PS. Do keep us in the loop re what happens.