BoadieBroadus
Q-School Graduate
As the heavens open and the courses close, we are once again forced to hone technique at the range. at an attempt at seasonal levity i have assembled my favourite cast of range irritants.
The Peter Alliss
Relatively tame and common, every shot is followed by descriptive commentary "A bit left to right, there" "280 Yards carry that one, nice!" - annoying but survivable for the first 20 balls. After that your only comfort is laughing inside at the really terrible ones.
The Butch Harmon
A close variant of the Peter Alliss but his commentary is strictly swing technique "Out of the toe" "No, came over the top on that one" or "Still can't stop that movement with the left ankle". This character is most likely to have the swing closest to killing snakes in a phone box of anyone you can see.
The Post Watershed Alliss
Simple this one, every shot accompanied by a short expletive filled burst. You can sense his mood rise from irritation to incandescent fury over the duration of the session. The thumping of club head on mat inevitably starts. This one is the best one to keep your eye on if you want an extra half bucket of balls to finish up with after he has stormed off.
The Brokeback Mountain
Two chaps take neighbouring bays then proceed to gossip away loudly, hitting balls at a rate of one every 8 minutes. If you want to catch up so much, go to the pub, or at least try not to share your conversation with the entire county.
The Call Centre Line Manager
Large bucket of balls but spends the whole session talking loudly on his mobile. His specialty is hitting his final 60 balls with a one armed swing, holding his phone to his ear. His catchphrase - "yeah mate - I'm just up at the range."
The J Arthur
Only applies to the bay behind you, especially where the dividing barriers extend no higher than waist height. This character rips one straight off the hosel into the barrier directly behind you. You will never know how close this came to killing you, but it ruins your session, and often your undergarments. If (as at my range) the barriers are metal, the sound rings out like a bell tolling for your imminent demise.
The Blind Leading the Blind
An inexperienced or hopeless hacker attempts to spend his session instructing an even less experienced golfer. A constant stream of senseless, incomprehensible hints and tips irritate you until you hear he is finally going to step up to show how it is really done. See "The J Arthur". His catchphrase - "These clubs arent the same as the ones I like to use."
The Cat Stevens
A variant of the Blind and the Blind, this is a partnership of father and son where family indiscipline and frustration start to take over. Then begins a special, touching form of domestic breakdown ending with paternal character assassinations and the recounting of past misdemeanours. This continues until the pain is complete and every last ball has been dispatched to ensure maximum discomfort to both parties just to prove a point. You will never get any left over balls from these two, even if there are tears.
Have I missed anyone off? Am I due a visit from 3 ghosts on Xmas eve?
The Peter Alliss
Relatively tame and common, every shot is followed by descriptive commentary "A bit left to right, there" "280 Yards carry that one, nice!" - annoying but survivable for the first 20 balls. After that your only comfort is laughing inside at the really terrible ones.
The Butch Harmon
A close variant of the Peter Alliss but his commentary is strictly swing technique "Out of the toe" "No, came over the top on that one" or "Still can't stop that movement with the left ankle". This character is most likely to have the swing closest to killing snakes in a phone box of anyone you can see.
The Post Watershed Alliss
Simple this one, every shot accompanied by a short expletive filled burst. You can sense his mood rise from irritation to incandescent fury over the duration of the session. The thumping of club head on mat inevitably starts. This one is the best one to keep your eye on if you want an extra half bucket of balls to finish up with after he has stormed off.
The Brokeback Mountain
Two chaps take neighbouring bays then proceed to gossip away loudly, hitting balls at a rate of one every 8 minutes. If you want to catch up so much, go to the pub, or at least try not to share your conversation with the entire county.
The Call Centre Line Manager
Large bucket of balls but spends the whole session talking loudly on his mobile. His specialty is hitting his final 60 balls with a one armed swing, holding his phone to his ear. His catchphrase - "yeah mate - I'm just up at the range."
The J Arthur
Only applies to the bay behind you, especially where the dividing barriers extend no higher than waist height. This character rips one straight off the hosel into the barrier directly behind you. You will never know how close this came to killing you, but it ruins your session, and often your undergarments. If (as at my range) the barriers are metal, the sound rings out like a bell tolling for your imminent demise.
The Blind Leading the Blind
An inexperienced or hopeless hacker attempts to spend his session instructing an even less experienced golfer. A constant stream of senseless, incomprehensible hints and tips irritate you until you hear he is finally going to step up to show how it is really done. See "The J Arthur". His catchphrase - "These clubs arent the same as the ones I like to use."
The Cat Stevens
A variant of the Blind and the Blind, this is a partnership of father and son where family indiscipline and frustration start to take over. Then begins a special, touching form of domestic breakdown ending with paternal character assassinations and the recounting of past misdemeanours. This continues until the pain is complete and every last ball has been dispatched to ensure maximum discomfort to both parties just to prove a point. You will never get any left over balls from these two, even if there are tears.
Have I missed anyone off? Am I due a visit from 3 ghosts on Xmas eve?
