Poor!

[Smiffy]

Reports are coming in that a planned extension to the toilet facilites at Bexhill Police station have had to be put on hold because thieves have stolen the sanitary ware that was to be installed.
A Sussex police spokesman says they have nothing to go on at this time....

 

[drawboy]

oooo, smiffy! that's nearly as bad as...The director of football at Leeds united reported that in the early hours of Friday morning Elland road stadium was burgled. When asked if any cups were missing he said "No, they didn't get into the canteen".

 

[Smiffy]

Reports are coming in that two container ships have collided in mid-channel.
One was carrying a cargo of red paint, the other blue.
There are no reported casualties although 48 people are said to be marooned.

 

[Smiffy]

Bloke went to the doctors and said "I keep thinking I'm a biscuit"
"What a small square one with holes in?" asked the Doc.
"Yes" said the guy.
"You're crackers" said the Doc.

 

[vig]

A man walked into a bar..... ouch!!! it was an iron bar.

I opened the door in my pyjama's, what a strange place to have a door.

Dreamt i was eating a giant marshmallow, woke up and some fecker had stolen my pillow.

Dyslexia rules KO

 

[Region3]

I had a mate once who was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac.

He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

 

[Imurg]

What does DNA stand for





National Dyslexic Association

 

[Eejit]

I know a Dyslexic kid that got nothing at Christmas last year, he sent his Xmas list to Satan. ;0)

 

[PhilTheFragger]

What do you get if you cross a Chieftain Tank with a Vibrator??






An Armoured Dildo

 

[PhilTheFragger]

Only a golfer would understand



It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM , on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please?" I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back....

"Would the idiot with the microphone kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?!"

 

[PhilTheFragger]

Ode to Golf
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.


Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. Almost feels like a hybrid.

 

[Eejit]

Saw a Thalidomide male stripper tonight, he had an arm like a babies cock.

 

[madandra]

Who picks up GUIDE DOG S*** ?????????

 

[smange]

Walked past a beggar yesterday, he said "Any change mate"?

I said "Nope, still got the big house and the nice car thanks"

 

[viscount17]

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior civil servant went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum (NRM), at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"We have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names" the Director told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister" said the civil servant. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to number 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the director. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked the civil servant. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the director. "After all, the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said the civil servant, "So that's settled then - let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"


Well, said the director, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."

 

[Smiffy]

Mate of mine had an epileptic fit while he was in the bath. His wife threw the dirty washing and a handful of Persil in with him. Seemed a pity to waste the moment.

 

[AuburnWarrior]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying sod! You've been playing golf!'