Poor!

[Billy]

If they couldn't find him, how did they award him with the medallion?
I've been wondering this for the last four nights

Smiffy you clot.
I will put an end to your misery.
It was 1848 when the skeleton was defending its title that it got lost.
It was wearing LAST YEARS MEDAL as defending champion
Simples.
Do I get a medal?

 

[iwtuk]

I've just heard on the news about a guy who drowned in a bowl of museli....


He was pulled under by a strong currant.................

 

[Eejit]

I`ve just eaten 13 Yoghurts for breakfast, i feel mullered. ;0)

 

[Smiffy]

I've just heard on the news that the entrance to our local cinema has caught alight.
First reports say that the Foyer brigade are at the scene though.

 

[Eejit]

Smiffy (Rob) Can you do me a huge favour, i know everyone is asking but could you lend me your face for Halloween please Mate. ;0)

 

[AuburnWarrior]

What do you get when you mix PMT with GPS?

A crazy woman who WILL find you!!

 

[RGDave]

An elderly couple make a pact to contact one another from "the dead" to tell the remaining one about heaven/hell. The man dies first and finds a way to 'phone his wife and tell her how things are on the other side.

"hi sweetie-pie it's me, I found a phone"

"great, are you in heaven or hell?"

"I think it must be heaven"

"how do you know?"

"well, life's pretty good. I get up with the sun, have a bite to eat, find a nice looking girl for a bit of how's-your-father, then some golf, maybe a midday snack, some more golf, always some late-night bonking, even the odd pint in the clubhouse - you know, just the normal thing; I even saw Ernie Els yesterday"

"so where are you exactly?"

"just backing on to the 17th at Wentworth"

"sounds good, I suppose. I should have expected you to carry on exactly the same as you've done for the last 50 years"

"yes, my dear, but there is one drawback"

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"I've come back as a Rabbit!"

 

[DMC]

Any truth in the rumour that Michael Jackson will be in the new series of most Haunted??

 

[drawboy]

A golfer walked to the first tee for a knock around. When he got there two golfers were already teeing off. "Why don't you join us for a round" suggested one "ok that would be great" replied the lone golfer. the first one hit his tee shot straight into the woods, the second followed suit, the guest hit it long and straight down the middle."hit up to the green while we go and find ours" said one of the pair. So he did, finding the middle of the green. A while went by and none of the other two had emerged from the woods so he went to find them.As he came to a clearing he could not believe his eyes the other golfers were making love."good lord what's going on here?" said the disgusted golfer. The others looking ashamed stood up "Well you won't believe this but we found his ball and he tried to hit it back onto the fairway, but it hit a tree rebounded back and caught him square between the eyes and knocked him out" replied one of the mates "Well there is no need for that, why didn't you give him the kiss of life?" replied the disgusted guest "I did" said the other "That's how it started!"

 

[Region3]

Three generations of the same family were to play golf together.

On the first tee a very pretty young woman asked if she could join them to make a fourball. The three men, unsurprisingly, agreed.

The woman played great golf all the way round and the men as well as smitten with her, were very impressed.

On the 18th green, standing over her 20' birdie putt she said "If I make this putt it will be my best ever score. If any of you are able to help me make the putt I will take you to the pub with the drinks on me, then on to my flat for an evening of fun!"

The son says "I've had this putt a few times, aim 2" to the left."

The father says "Rubbish! I've had this putt many times and it breaks the other way. Aim 2" to the right of the hole, trust me."

Picking her ball up and passing it to her the grandfather says "That's a gimme!! Let's go."

 

[RGDave]

......"Well there is no need for that, why didn't you give him the kiss of life?" replied the disgusted guest "I did" said the other "That's how it started!"

Very good.

 

[RGDave]

Picking her ball up and passing it to her the grandfather says "That's a gimme!! Let's go."

 

[andycap]

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in each ear and a mushroom up each nostril, complaining that he feels unwell.

"No wonder your feeling ill" says the doctor ." Your not eating properly"

 

[RGDave]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment they both try to go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says
"I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.... let's pretend we're married"
"Why not", giggles the woman.


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"Good", he replies, "Get your own flippin' blanket!"

 

[AuburnWarrior]

A man staggers into hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat. The Doctor asked "What happened to you?" Well, I was playing golf with the Wife when we sliced our drives into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cows 'Jack and Danny'. I yelled to my Wife "this looks like yours", I don't remember much after that...

 

[vig]

Had my first gig as a stand up comic at an old folks home, They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves

 

[vig]

I hate having to crush my grans pills up and put them in her food but i'd never forgive myself if I got her pregnant

 

[vig]

What's the odd one out
a, Washing Machine
b,Toaster,
c, Woman
d, Freezer.



The answer is B, it's the only one that doesn't drip when it's ****ed

 

[Eejit]

A Mum was cleaning her Sons bedroom out when she found a load of bondage & fetish magazines, she asked her Husband what she should do and he said "whatever you do dont feckin spank him" ;0)

 

[drawboy]

I was waiting at a bus stop outside a school for dyslexic people, when one of the pupils asked me what I did for a living. I told him I was a comedian. He said cool! change colour.