Laughter - the best medicine

[Arthur Wedge]

Came across a bunch of reels called Yeah Mad

Can’t post on here but some of the stuff had me in tears

a lot of dad jokes etc

 

[venger]

 

[CliveW]

My wife told me not to use a ten inch cotton bud, but did I listen???

It just went in one ear and out the other!

 

[Pants]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[nickjdavis]

 

[Slime]

 

[Slime]

 

[Slime]

 

[Pants]

A cautionary tale for all home brewers.

I had twenty bottles of very old, very strong homemade wine in my shed. Yesterday I was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the drain with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I did the same to five more bottles.
I then withdrew the cork from the next bottle and poured the wine down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the next sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were Legion, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank.
I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was. I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn't know who was me, and the drunker I stood there the longer I got.

 

[Norrin Radd]

A cautionary tale for all home brewers.

I had twenty bottles of very old, very strong homemade wine in my shed. Yesterday I was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the drain with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I did the same to five more bottles.
I then withdrew the cork from the next bottle and poured the wine down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the next sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were Legion, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank.
I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was. I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn't know who was me, and the drunker I stood there the longer I got.

Amen

 

[venger]

 

[Slime]

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby. She was riding a little red pedal car with tiny ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.​

The girl was wearing a fireman’s helmet. The pedal car was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fireman walked over to take a closer look.
“That’s a nice fire engine,” he said admiringly.
“Thank you,” the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the pedal car to her dog’s collar—and to the cat’s testicles.
“Little girl,” the fireman said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your apparatus, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then replied:
You’re probably right… but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”