Laughter - the best medicine

[Norrin Radd]

Watching an episode of friends and I said to the wife ," you are the exact double of Jenifer Aniston" she smiled and said do you really mean it , I said yeh she's 9 stone and you're 18.
I must thank the paramedics for all they did for me ,and im in ward 12 if you if you want to visit me.

 

[Sid Rixon IV]

I made a chicken salad the other day.




Turns out chickens don't like salad.

I ate a Ploughman's lunch in the Pub today.
He wasn't very happy!
(Mr T Cooper)

 

[Sid Rixon IV]

My wife opened the bathroom door wearing her little black cocktail dress and said "Be honest, does it make me look big?"
I said "To be fair love, it's quite a small bathroom".

 

[Slime]

Just when you thought food can't make phonecalls...




Onion rings!

 

[jim8flog]

 

[venger]

 

[Arthur Wedge]

 

[Imurg]

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The words " play stupid games, win stupid prizes" come to mind

 

[Orikoru]

That Grinch thing has been doing the rounds for a few years, I'm not convinced it really happened.

 

[Sid Rixon IV]

That Grinch thing has been doing the rounds for a few years, I'm not convinced it really happened.

Bah, humbug!!

 

[Slime]

 

[Imurg]

 

[Slime]

 

[Slime]

 

[Slime]

 

[PhilTheFragger]

 

[Imurg]

 

[Sid Rixon IV]

 

[Slime]

A man living in New York City calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you - your mother and I are getting divorced.”
“Dad, WHAT are you talking about?!” the son shouts. “We can’t stand the sight of each other anymore,” the father says. “We’re done. And I’m tired of talking about it-so you call your sister in Leeds and break the news to her.”

The son hangs up and calls his sister, who absolutely explodes on the phone. “Like HECK they’re getting divorced!” she yells. “I’ll handle this!”

She immediately calls New York and shouts, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until we get there. I’m calling my brother and we’ll both be on a plane tomorrow. DO YOU HEAR ME? Don’t… do… ANYTHING!” She hangs up.

The old man puts down the phone, looks at his wife, and grins: “Sorted! They’re coming home for Christmas… and they’re paying their own way!

 

[Slime]

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven. Do you have any questions?" The man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had the chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question. I'll get back to you with an answer.”

So the couple waits... and waits... Six weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, good news! Yes, you can get married in Heaven. Come right in and enjoy eternity together.”

The couple then asks, "One more thing. Eternity is a long time... if things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?”

Peter throws up his hands and says, "Christ! It took me six weeks to find a priest up here — do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"