Laughter - the best medicine

[ColchesterFC]

I renewed my car insurance over the phone today and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet. I said, "Yes, I've got a dog." She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"

I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

 

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[srixon 1]

Not a joke, but just heard this from the kitchen when father-in-law was talking to my wife.
Him. "Why does this web address not work, is there something wrong with your internet?"
Her. " that's because you are trying to use an email address to search in the browser".

old people and the internet?

 

[Dando]

Lock down has been tough for joe pasquale

 

[Dando]

 

[Dando]

My wife asked me what her favourite flower was.
Apparently, Homepride isn't the right answer

 

[Dando]

For Xmas Mrs d has asked for something she can use in the bath.

Has anyone got a toaster for sale?

 

[Dando]

Outside the off-license, some teenagers asked if I could get them 20 Richmonds, which I did.
I got a load of abuse from them so I told them to buy their own bloody sausages next time.

 

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[Norrin Radd]

For Xmas Mrs d has asked for something she can use in the bath.

Has anyone got a toaster for sale?

I'm not buying my Mrs a Xmas present this year as she hasn't opened last year's yet .



Oh I bought her a plot

 

[Mudball]

Looks like Daniel Craig has been working on his Yorkshire accent

https://twitter.com/x/status/1306517527560937472

 

[Mudball]

 

[Rooter]

Looks like Daniel Craig has been working on his Yorkshire accent

https://twitter.com/x/status/1306517527560937472

And we wonder why there are now strict local lockdowns. What a plank.

 

[PhilTheFragger]

 

[Slime]

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.

He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any VASELINE in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey .................................................................... I love you too..."

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