funnies

[Pin-seeker]

I either don't get that joke or its not funny.

Is the brother suppose to be going to watch arsenal?...but called it a lecture?

Either you've not got much of a sense of humour or you're not the sharpest knife in the draw
Made me laugh

 

[DappaDonDave]

Either you've not got much of a sense of humour or you're not the sharpest knife in the draw
Made me laugh

You're so sharp Ill try not to Prick myself on the point you just made!

 

[williamalex1]

My mate was approached by a Chinese prostitute who only looked about 14 or 15 years old, he said to her " no chance your way too young"- she said
"how you know my name ! ".

 

[HomerJSimpson]

My wife and I often have words but she never lets me use mine

 

[c1973]

What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.

 

[Deleted member 18645]

My boss told me to put up a road sign immediately to warn people of the work ahead. An hour later he asked why it hadn't been done.
I replied, "I couldn't find any with a picture of a dozen managers in brand new high-visibility coats watching one bloke work."

Among mammals, bats have the highest rates of homosexuality....
I guess that explains Robin and all the leather.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, would the feminists blame the men for it?

 

[Doh]

My wife asked me if I'd miss her if she died.

"Of course" I replied

"Would you marry again?" she asked

"I don't know." I said

"If you did" she went on "would you let her use my golf clubs?"

"No way" I said "she's left handed.

 

[Doh]

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

 

[Rooter]

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

I cant believe i actually just fell for that....

 

[London mike 61]

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mouse?

A bloody great big hole in your skirting boards!

 

[London mike 61]

Did you know that the the word gullible isn't in the English dictionary?

 

[c1973]

Came home late last night and the wife had left a note on the telly saying 'it's not working. I'm leaving'.

I switched it on and it was working just fine.

 

[c1973]

Why are old people like old radiators?

They leak and struggle to get through the winter.

 

[shivas irons]

My brother went to the doctor and asked for a vasectomy doctor replied "with a face like that I wouldnt bother!"
He then went to his psychiatrist and said "hey doc whats wrong with me" doc replied "your crazy" brother said "I want a second opinion" doc replied "your ugly as well" ...........Rodney Dangerfield R.I.P

 

[Slime]

Slime.

 

[cookelad]

This had me chuckling yesterday!

 

[Hack-Man-Hob]

Horse walks into a bar, barman asks, "Why the long face?", Horse Replies, "Some Geordie punched me"

this has just become my favourite joke of all time

 

[Billythefish]

A white horse walks into a bar, 'can I have a large Scotch please?' He says.

'wow! says the barman 'we have a Scotch named after you!'

'What? Brian?' Says the white horse...

 

[Billythefish]

Thanks Slime for the explanation. It's an absolutely true story and did happen this evening!

Another true story.

Couple of xmas ago me, her, and our two kids were waiting to see Santa in our local department store (beatties for those that know wolvo). When who should walk in but the severn dwarfs (on publicity trip from the theatre).

My mrs says 'go over and stand next to Grumpy, see if we can tell the difference!'

charmin eh!

 

[USER1999]

My wife says she went to the gynacologist, and says she can't have sex for two weeks.

I asked, what find your dentist say?