funnies

[Deleted member 18645]

Steven Gerrard reveals that England are preparing for World Cup penalty shootouts by practising shaking their heads while looking dejected

"Your dog has been barking for the last 3 ****ing hours!" I said to my neighbour this morning, "I've got a serious hangover and I'm trying to get some sleep!"
"It would probably help if you got out of his kennel." she replied.

 

[London mike 61]

A man walks into the doctors and says " doctor, I'm having trouble pronouncing my 'f's and 'th's " and the doctor says " well, you can't say fairer than that then"!!

 

[Billythefish]

I was standing in the park the other day thinking "I wonder why frisbees get larger the closer they get"

And then it hit me...

 

[ColchesterFC]

Research has found that British couples have sex once or twice a week, while Japanese couples have sex once or twice a month. This is worrying news. I had no idea I was Japanese.

 

[Idlenorth1]

A new app called 'Panic' is launched for smart phones.

You just say 'Wife' and it closes all websites, hides all chats with females, hides all special folders and puts your wife's photograph as wallpaper.

 

[Yerman]

''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

 

[ColchesterFC]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

 

[Slime]

Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccess now”

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouD ontGiveMeAccessnow”













Sorry, that password is already in use.


Slime.

 

[SocketRocket]

Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccess now”

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouD ontGiveMeAccessnow”













Sorry, that password is already in use.


Slime.

.......

 

[SocketRocket]

"Iv'e won a weeks all inclusive golf break in the Algarve for me and four friends the first week in August.
Any of you guys free that week?"

"I am." says Fred.



"Could you come around and put my bins out please?"

 

[CMAC]

Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccess now”

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouD ontGiveMeAccessnow”













Sorry, that password is already in use.


Slime.

:rofl:

:clap:

 

[CMAC]

It really annoys me when people mix up there, their and they're, I think there all idiots!

 

[CMAC]

What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable pupil who came to the inflatable school with a pin?


"Not only have you let me down, you've let yourself down and the whole school down!"

 

[CMAC]

I went into Greggs the bakers the other day and said to the assistant "two wasps please"
"don't be stupid" she said, "we don't sell wasps!"

"yes you do, you've two in the window"





true story

 

[Slime]

Q. Why did Sally fall off the swing?

A. Because she had no arms!


No .............. okay, try this one.



Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Not Sally!


Slime.

 

[Doon frae Troon]

The late great Chic Murray was walking in London when a stranger came up to him and asked, 'Do you know the Battersea Dogs Home?'

'I did not even know he had gone missing' replied Chic.

 

[HawkeyeMS]

Why did the scarecrow get an OBE?

Because he was out standing in his field.

 

[drdel]

Sex after Death !!!

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and ... inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion .... Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful !!! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times..

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"



No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina .”

 

[williamalex1]

 

[RW1986]

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
it went down the road and turned into a field