S
Snelly
Guest
I saw this in the Telegraph today. It is from an author called John Niven and it made me smile and I certainly agree with them.
He writes:
My new novel Straight White Male features a forty-something protagonist who has something of an, um, let’s say a taste for the good life. (OK, he’s a rich, spoilt egocentric maniac.)
With this in mind, I thought I’d outline a few commandments of manhood. A list of things men should ideally be on top of by the time they reach their forties.
Obviously these are more guidelines than rules (I break at least two of them on a regular basis). If you’re unemployed or on a limited income, then feel free to tell me to shove a couple of the more materialistic ones up my pampered backside.
1. Thou shalt limit thy hangovers as thou have finally realised that in your forties a proper hangover lasts three days
Remember in your twenties when a hangover lasted until lunchtime? Yeah, well that was an entire person of drinking age ago. They last over half the working week now, you mug.
2. Thou shalt eat thy steak rare
Medium rare is allowable for a very thick cut, or when in the US or France. If someone in your company asks for “well doneâ€, you are of an age and life experience where you can – indeed must – abuse them relentlessly.
3. Thou shalt NOT order steak for every meal
What are you, a footballer?
4. Thou shalt not wear trainers unless engaging in a sporting activity
Sorry but that’s the way it is. You look like an utter penis. Or the manager of a Britpop band circa ‘97.
5. Thou shalt not play any more five-a-side with ‘the lads’
Are you out of your mind? You’re 45. Look across the pub – see that guy with his arm in a sling? The dude with his leg in plaster? They’re middle-aged clowns who did that playing football. Take up golf. Or tennis. Act your bloody age.
6. Thou shalt get to love malt whisky
Remember thy William Faulkner: “A man should never drink whisky before forty. But then he’s a damn fool if he doesn’t.â€
7. If thou have any dignity, then thou shalt no longer dance in public or go to music festivals
No-one is looking at you thinking, “Check that awesome dude busting some moves in the rave tent.†They are thinking, “Christ, there seems to have been a breakout at the epileptic wing of a nearby sex offenders unit.’
8. Without getting too GQ about it, thou shalt own more than one suit and at least one of these will be of good quality
It doesn’t have to be bespoke to the max. Just not from Next, OK?
9. Ditto shoes
Yes, I know it’s boring and, again, a bit GQ, but by now you should own a pair of shoes that didn’t come from somewhere called SHOES SHOES SHOES. Much as though I love them, you don’t have to go John Lobb on your own ass. Church’s or similar will do. A good pair of shoes means something your grandson will be able to wear. Not some atrocities that have a fifty-fifty chance of making it through the winter.
10. Thou shalt pick up the bill now and then
What are you – some kind of loser? A bum with a cup in his hand? No. So realise that by the time you hit your forties, you’re probably doing well enough to stop with the, “Hey, who had the extra chapati?†and the “But I wasn’t drinking†s*** and pay for dinner once in a while. You’re not a student. JUST GET THE BLOODY BILL, YOU TIGHTFISTED ANIMAL.
He writes:
My new novel Straight White Male features a forty-something protagonist who has something of an, um, let’s say a taste for the good life. (OK, he’s a rich, spoilt egocentric maniac.)
With this in mind, I thought I’d outline a few commandments of manhood. A list of things men should ideally be on top of by the time they reach their forties.
Obviously these are more guidelines than rules (I break at least two of them on a regular basis). If you’re unemployed or on a limited income, then feel free to tell me to shove a couple of the more materialistic ones up my pampered backside.
1. Thou shalt limit thy hangovers as thou have finally realised that in your forties a proper hangover lasts three days
Remember in your twenties when a hangover lasted until lunchtime? Yeah, well that was an entire person of drinking age ago. They last over half the working week now, you mug.
2. Thou shalt eat thy steak rare
Medium rare is allowable for a very thick cut, or when in the US or France. If someone in your company asks for “well doneâ€, you are of an age and life experience where you can – indeed must – abuse them relentlessly.
3. Thou shalt NOT order steak for every meal
What are you, a footballer?
4. Thou shalt not wear trainers unless engaging in a sporting activity
Sorry but that’s the way it is. You look like an utter penis. Or the manager of a Britpop band circa ‘97.
5. Thou shalt not play any more five-a-side with ‘the lads’
Are you out of your mind? You’re 45. Look across the pub – see that guy with his arm in a sling? The dude with his leg in plaster? They’re middle-aged clowns who did that playing football. Take up golf. Or tennis. Act your bloody age.
6. Thou shalt get to love malt whisky
Remember thy William Faulkner: “A man should never drink whisky before forty. But then he’s a damn fool if he doesn’t.â€
7. If thou have any dignity, then thou shalt no longer dance in public or go to music festivals
No-one is looking at you thinking, “Check that awesome dude busting some moves in the rave tent.†They are thinking, “Christ, there seems to have been a breakout at the epileptic wing of a nearby sex offenders unit.’
8. Without getting too GQ about it, thou shalt own more than one suit and at least one of these will be of good quality
It doesn’t have to be bespoke to the max. Just not from Next, OK?
9. Ditto shoes
Yes, I know it’s boring and, again, a bit GQ, but by now you should own a pair of shoes that didn’t come from somewhere called SHOES SHOES SHOES. Much as though I love them, you don’t have to go John Lobb on your own ass. Church’s or similar will do. A good pair of shoes means something your grandson will be able to wear. Not some atrocities that have a fifty-fifty chance of making it through the winter.
10. Thou shalt pick up the bill now and then
What are you – some kind of loser? A bum with a cup in his hand? No. So realise that by the time you hit your forties, you’re probably doing well enough to stop with the, “Hey, who had the extra chapati?†and the “But I wasn’t drinking†s*** and pay for dinner once in a while. You’re not a student. JUST GET THE BLOODY BILL, YOU TIGHTFISTED ANIMAL.
