• Thank you all very much for sharing your time with us in 2025. We hope you all have a safe and happy 2026!

Ongoing Staff Appraisal

CallawayKid

CallawayKid

Q-School Graduate
Joined
Nov 10, 2010
Messages
855
Location
Essex
www.regimentway.co.uk
So...my company's gone all US on us and has given me one of these to fill in. Anyone got any great management speak that waffles on but means absolutely nothing?

The phrase that I cannot use is 'Moving Forward', hate it, makes my skin crawl!

I look forward to some great quotes...

CK
 
Seemingly we are going the same way .. wouldnt mind but i work for a vw garage so the germans must be going all american ,, some dude just out of collage is to come & interview us on behalf of VW ireland to see if we are capable of doing our jobs .. amazingly i got 10% less capable coinsiding with our 10% pay cut 2year ago .. reinstate that & i might improve acordingly.. im going to hand him a couple of the on going problems we have here & ask his advice on them see how he geos .. he /she will have no experience in retail sales but is going to tell us what the book says to do .. should be fun ..
 
Possibly not quite what you were looking for but, what the heck :p

Management Speak: That's very interesting.
Translation: I disagree.

Management Speak: I don't disagree.
Translation: I disagree.

Management Speak: I don't totally disagree with you.
Translation: You may be right, but I don't care.

Management Speak: You have to show some flexibility.
Translation: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

Management Speak: We have an opportunity.
Translation: You have a problem.

Management Speak: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
Translation: This is awful.

Management Speak: In a perfect world.
Translation: Just get it working and get it out the door.

Management Speak: Help me to understand.
Translation: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

Management Speak: You just don't understand our business.
Translation: We don't understand our business.

Management Speak: You need to see the big picture.
Translation: My boss thinks it's a good idea.

Management Speak: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open.
Translation: &%^$ you.

Management Speak: I appreciate your contribution.
Translation: @#%* you!

Management Speak: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
Translation: We're going to do it my way.

Management Speak: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
Translation: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

Management Speak: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing.
Translation: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

Management Speak: We have to leverage our resources.
Translation: You're working weekends.

Management Speak: Individual contributor.
Translation: Employee who does real work.

Management Speak: Your project is on hold.
Translation: We've put a bullet in it.

Management Speak: Wrong answer.
Translation: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

Management Speak: You needed to be more proactive.
Translation: You should have protected me from myself.

Management Speak: I'd like your buy-in on this.
Translation: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

Management Speak: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
Translation: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

Management Speak: We need to syndicate this decision.
Translation: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

Management Speak: We have to put on our marketing hats.
Translation: We have to put ethics aside.

Management Speak: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
Translation: I don't know how to do it.

Management Speak: It's a no-brainer.
Translation: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

Management Speak: I'm glad you asked me that.
Translation: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

Management Speak: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
Translation: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

Management Speak: There are larger issues at stake.
Translation: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

Management Speak: I'll never lie to you.
Translation: The truth will change frequently.

Management Speak: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
Translation: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

Management Speak: Value-added.
Translation: Expensive.

Management Speak: Human Resources.
Translation: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

Management Speak: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.
Translation: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.
 
Aren't you supposed to run something up a flagpole and see who salutes it?

And what the flip is "Blue sky thinking" all about?

Someone yesterday on TV was "thinking outside the square" :D :D :D
 
Splendid!!!

Keep them coming...!

CK
Click to expand...

If you insist :D :D


A Masterclass in Management Speak:
“Ok Jeff, going forward I want to see out-of-the-box thinking, I’ve put forward to the board that I believe a result-based, business-centric and holistic approach, will best serve our bottom line by adding significant value through our core competencies. This proactive approach will be win-win for us and our partners, allowing us to leverage our knowledge base through networking, and ultimately shift the paradigm and break through the benchmark we set ourselves at the start of the year. Jeff, did you get all of that down?”


“Going forward…” This effortless phrase has given british management 2 extra seconds of thinking time since 2001, or even longer if one can over exagerate the vowels.

“Out of the box thinking” Because just ‘thinking’ will never bring success.

“Lets touch base” It’s an awkwardly personal sounding request that almost always results in a monologue email.

“Strategic Fit” Managers uttering this phrase have clearly read their ‘Good Management’ manual and discovered that this is apparantly important for all projects. If only we knew how so.

“Synergy” Is it possible that one keyword can increase the impact of a presentation by 77%? Yes, indeed there is.

“Value added” Adding value is a common sense concept that has recently taken to the board room in force, reminding us that yes, some managers do understand how business works.

“Holistic approach” It’s like saying nothing but at the same time, saying… nothing.

“Leverage” Yes leverage was technically the reason why the banking crisis was so extreme, but I doubt managers would have time to reflect upon this fact, as they have meetings to attend you know!

“Knowledge Base” Why have a razor when you can have a Mach 3 Turbo? In the same line of thought, its obviously why people don’t talk of simple ‘knowledge’ anymore. Where’s the macho?

“Proactive” Easily the most overused word by candidates in job interviews, and mysteriously the most lacking characteristic in successful graduate recruits.

“Lets get a dialogue going” Well, you can… do that. I’ll talk instead.

“Mission critical” Were you one of the 99% minority who didn’t realise that their admin work was tremendously vital to ‘the mission’? You’ll soon be convinced otherwise with this solid reaffirmation.

“Networking” Theory is; if you don’t know something, you’ll probably know at least one person who will provide you with a fantastic excuse for not knowing it.


I could go on, and on, and on........
 
Squaring the circle - always good for confusion.
De-compartmentalise and re-structure; don`t understand that at all.
Blue sky thinking and Thinking outside the box are old favourites.
Don`t forget to use that "window of opportunity" to "showcase your talents"
 
One company rep used the phrase "shake the tree and see what falls out" about 20 times in one conversation - no, he didn't work for the Forestry Commission.

I also hate " a window of opportunity"

I also attend meetings for my local football club and one of the guys, a Doctor of something arty, talks a language I have never heard of before and has every pseudo babble speak that it's possible to utter and I am sure that no one understands a word given that not many football club organisers are out of university.



Chris
 
I do know of a manager whose favourite lines are:

(When thinking of a solution to a problem)
"I know what my thoughts are, but lets see what you think first."

(When asked a difficult question - E.G> What do you think we shoudl do about...)
"Let me turn that around, what do you think we should do about..."

Hmmmm wonder what he is doing there? Don't think he has ever made a decision in his life!
 
ha, regular in my workplace

"from soup to nuts" - beginning to end

"ramp up" - same as move forward

"homogenise" - just c*ntish

"right shore" - more to eastern europe/asia and fire everyone

"asset re-allocation" - see above
 
The brother in law recently played buzzword bingo during a staff meeting. They had prepared cards with all the "buzzwords" and management speak on them and had to cross them off as they were spoken. :cool: :cool:

Don't think management were too impressed though.
 
F.Y.I.
Touch base
Let's make it an organic process
Leverage off the franchise
Touch base
Heads up
Pick off the overhanging fruit and climb the tree
Run that up the flagpole and see who salutes it
Let's make sure we're all on the same page
Let's make sure we're all singing from the same hymn sheet
Let's hand hold them on this one
Circle back to me
It's all about the silos

And, my personal favourite which I heard used in an office once:

There's no i in team! No, but there's a u in C..(C U next Tuesday)... :eek:
 
The brother in law recently played buzzword bingo during a staff meeting. They had prepared cards with all the "buzzwords" and management speak on them and had to cross them off as they were spoken. :cool: :cool:

Don't think management were too impressed though.
Click to expand...

Ah yes, this reminds me of Bulls**t Bingo that we used to play on the squadron...one who crossed off all the words had to shout the offending word. Top brass not impressed, one way conversation in office, no biscuits!!!

CK
 
Aren't you supposed to run something up a flagpole and see who salutes it?

And what the flip is "Blue sky thinking" all about?

Someone yesterday on TV was "thinking outside the square" :D :D :D
Click to expand...

Thinking outside the square is the intellectually less challenging version of thinking outside the box, being only 2 dimensional rather than 3.

A couple of antidotes:

http://www.misslitter.com/img/img_assorted/outside_the_box_400x544.jpg

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/mbc/lowres/mbcn1160l.jpg
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

SHaines
  • Locked
  • Sticky
Golf Monthly Forum Community Guidelines
Replies
0
Views
14K
SHaines
SHaines
M
  • Poll Poll
Not sure I can face the all consuming nature of golf again.
2 3
Replies
44
Views
9K
IanM
IanM
Crazyface
England Football Managers Application
Replies
10
Views
3K
Crazyface
Crazyface
F
Stoneham Golf Club
Replies
3
Views
4K
SteveW86
SteveW86
virtuocity
Glenbervie / Scotscraig / Eden
2
Replies
23
Views
7K
richart
R
Top