Insults with class

[Golfman]

These wonderful insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

 

[bobmac]

Yeah but yeah but yeah but yeah but
woteva

 

[vig]

I believe another Churchill & Lady astor exchange went something like
"You're drunk"
"And you are ugly, but tomorrow I will be sober"

 

[Ethan]

Churchill on Clement Atlee

"Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about."

 

[chipping]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH US OLD FOLKS.

 

[pokerjoke]

Glen Magrath the australian bowler in a bout of sledging said to Robin Smith the english batsman "Why is it smithy your so fat" in which Smith replied "because everytime i shag your wife she gives me a biscuit" pure quality.

 

[viscount17]

of Margaret Thatcher

The Immaculate Misconception
(Norman St John-Stevas)

She sounded like the Book of Revelations read out over a railway station public address system by a headmistress of a certain age wearing calico knickers
(Clive James)

of Neil kinnock
You don't reach Downing Street by pretending you've travelled the road to Damascus when you haven't even left home (Margaret Thatcher)

love this one1

During the reign of Louis XIV of France relations between England and France were anything but cordial, the fear of Catholicism and 'Popery' governed internal as well as external English politics.

One English visitor to the court of the Sun King was taken on a conducted tour of the royal gallery by the King himself. Louis took particular pleasure in showing his guest a picture of the Crucifixion, which he knew would rub him up the wrong way because it was flanked by two portraits guaranteed to rile any Protestant.

That on the right is the Pope,' said the King, 'And that on the left is myself.'

'I humbly thank your majesty for this information,' replied the guest. 'For though I often heard that our Lord was crucified between two thieves, I never knew who they were until now.'