Comical put downs from your partners

[BeachGolfer]

A son-in-law - Any shot that turns out better than expected
A Rockerfeller - A putt that dies in the hole
A Nigel Mansell - A putt that does a lap of honour before going in (Conversely, the David Coulthard stays out)

 

[PhilTheFragger]

"Dead Sheep"

Still Ewe

or

"You dont want to be over there"

 

[Imurg]

"That's not really the best line in on this hole......."

 

[AmandaJR]

A new Golfers instruction book.

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Marshall the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximum Effect

Chapter 7 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 8 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 9 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 10 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

Also includes compendium of terms

A Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runner

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer

A Diegio Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Simon Cowell – needs to be hit really hard

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Cuban - needs another revolution

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Kate Moss - bit thin

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

A Glen Miller - didn't make it over the water

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Robin Cook - just died on the hill

A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs

An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went, except you

A Ken Livingstone - quite far left

A Jean-Marie Le Pen - a long way right

An elephant's arse - high and it stinks

A circus tent - a big top

An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target

 

[bobmac]

When my playing partner duffs a chip and it stops just short of the putting surface.....

'your next one should be on'

 

[connor]

When my playing partner duffs a chip and it stops just short of the putting surface.....

'your next one should be on'

You should just use opportunities to plug the v easy to him lol

 

[rosecott]

When anyone has to back into one of our many gorse bushes to play a ball lying just outside the gorse, the cry goes up "Do you feel a bit of a prick?"

 

[seochris]

A new Golfers instruction book.

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Marshall the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximum Effect

Chapter 7 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 8 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 9 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 10 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

Also includes compendium of terms

A Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runner

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer

A Diegio Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Simon Cowell – needs to be hit really hard

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Cuban - needs another revolution

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Kate Moss - bit thin

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

A Glen Miller - didn't make it over the water

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Robin Cook - just died on the hill

A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs

An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went, except you

A Ken Livingstone - quite far left

A Jean-Marie Le Pen - a long way right

An elephant's arse - high and it stinks

A circus tent - a big top

An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target

:rofl::rofl::rofl:
I need to print these off and memorise them..... brilliant!

 

[mikevet]

A Douglas Bader - 2 feet short.

A Saddam Hussein - out of one bunker into another.

 

[chrisd]

When a player on the1st tee announces which make of ball he is using he usually gets "and what ball for your second shot?"

 

[joma1108]

I really shouldn't laugh at some of these but they are excellent, need to try to remember a few.
Thanks for these

 

[GB72]

One that winds me up as I am not the biggest hitter is,

'Good shot, that was like my drive, only shorter'

When I catch one out of the middle.

 

[kid2]

One of the best ones iv heard is when my dad missed a putt......

A gynecologists apprentice that one.....To which i replied "what are you on about"......
A gynecologists apprentice he says........ "It shaved the hole"

 

[Threeoffthetee]

My playing partner after I topped my drive 50 yds down the fairway - "well, at least you will be able to find it".

 

[Lump]

As any player is walking upto a shot that includes hitting a ball over water. A quick "quack" sows the seed!

 

[WhoGivesA]

I remember hearing a story of when the Craw was out playing a bounce game with Andy McIntyre(young pro) and after teeing off they were walking up the fairway chatting away when Andy turned to the Craw saying " I hear theres a new Tesco Extra to be built nearby, to which the Craw replies "No, whereabouts".
Andy casually replies " Between your ball and mine"

 

[derm]

after missin an easy putt my mate said, if it had hair round it i bet you would have got it in

 

[Val]

An Arthur scargill - great strike but shite result

 

[Liverbirdie]

Wasn't there a tony blair, something like:-

Started on the left, went to the right, finished in the middle.

 

[Jack991]

When I leave a putt short my playing partners usually ask

"does your wife play?"

Does my nut!