Weddings

[irip]

My daughter has just approached her mum and I and said her and her other half would like to get married.
They been together 7 years and have a 2 year old.
She has asked if we would like to contribute to the funds as this will dictate what type of wedding they have.
They have also spoken to his mum about the same thing.
To be honest I’m not really sure what to say.
One of her sisters got married last year and we gave them some money and said do what you like with it but they came to us about a month before and asked us if they could borrow an extra 5k (which we gave them and said don’t worry about it).
Do we give her the same as her sister or say we will pay for it all?
As an aside she is definitely going to be a bridezilla and I have told her the last 6 months before the wedding I’m going on holiday.

 

[Neilds]

I haven't got kids so no real experience, but I would think it would be best to treat all the kids the same. Whatever you gave to her sister, you should give to her - as long as you can afford it. Make sure she understands that what you give her is final and try to make her understand that if she can't afford her fairy-tale wedding then she will just have to cut back. This will be the hardest part I expect, especially if she turns on the waterworks.

 

[irip]

I haven't got kids so no real experience, but I would think it would be best to treat all the kids the same. Whatever you gave to her sister, you should give to her - as long as you can afford it. Make sure she understands that what you give her is final and try to make her understand that if she can't afford her fairy-tale wedding then she will just have to cut back. This will be the hardest part I expect, especially if she turns on the waterworks.

We spoke with her sister and she said I had my fairytale wedding so I think she should have her fairytale wedding.
Her wedding was very non traditional but it’s what she wanted.
The trouble is knowing my daughter if we don’t put a limit on it I can see it being a ridiculous affair.
Any idea where I can find a real life Mermaid

 

[Neilds]

Trouble is, nowadays kids see things on social media and want the same. Never mind the cost and that half (most?) of what is posted on social media isn't real, they think that they should have the same and what for? To post a few pictures of their own?

 

[irip]

Trouble is, nowadays kids see things on social media and want the same. Never mind the cost and that half (most?) of what is posted on social media isn't real, they think that they should have the same and what for? To post a few pictures of their own?

I couldn’t agree more. The eldest was laughing at me last week as I don’t have instragram tick tok or Facebook.
And asked me seriously how do I keep up with the news.
I’m not sure the human race is going to survive

 

[IanM]

Assuming you can still afford it, why would you not give them the same as you gave her sister?

 

[Slab]

Being on the outside and not knowing the folks involved my comment a) has no weight so can be ignored and b) lets me be a bit more objective/opinionated

When a couple have set up home years ago (perhaps already with parents help) and started a family of their own, then for me the ship has sailed on an expectation of a ‘fairytale’ wedding

I’d contribute of course but not gonna bankroll it if fairytale might actually just mean lavish

 

[Hobbit]

Give her the same amount. No doubt she knows what her sister got, and to do any different will just create bad feeling. And if you give more it might create an issue with the first one.

You say you expect her to come back for more… set the limit right at the outset.

Get involved, enjoy the experience.

 

[Lucifer MorningStar]

It’s a tough one as you want all kids treated the same, my oldest daughter got married last year (coming up to her anniversary soon). We sat down together and went through the type of wedding she wanted. They didn’t want something that could be seen as a big show for the sake of it, she didn’t want a big bash and wanted to get married abroad with a select few family and no friends to make it intimate, purely about them as a couple and about the marriage itself and not about what looks good to others or pictures for the Gram!

Ended up being a great idea, got Married at a 5* resort in Cyprus, with the ocean in the background. Once we worked out what it would cost, we gave them £5k which as it turned out covered the 2 weeks for them, the ceremony, food, and venue part of the wedding. The only bits they had to add on top was cake, suits and wedding dress, plus a few little extras they wanted. Which from memory I think her mum and grooms mums covered for them. So turned out they basically had a wedding fully paid for without bankrupting anyone.

The guests that did attend booked and paid for themselves with a discount through TUi for being part of the wedding party. In the end it cost me a total of £7.5k (£5k toward wedding, £2.5k for Mrs M and I to be there) but seeing how happy she was, how wonderful the day was and fact we got a holiday to boot! I’d say it’s up there with the best money I’ve ever spent.

Only problem is as my other daughters get older I’ll have to give them the same, best start saving now

 

[irip]

Assuming you can still afford it, why would you not give them the same as you gave her sister?

I think she is looking for more than we gave her sister.
Also you have the husbands side of the family to consider.

Her sister arranged 90% herself where I think she would be looking for a lot of contributions from us ( the wife).
Just wondering really what the forums thoughts were.
I do appreciate asking a load of golf mad men their thoughts on weddings many not be the smartest move ever. Maybe the groomsman can all wear long socks.
Off to mumsnet for me

 

[irip]

Really appreciate everyone’s input guys.
Her sister had the wedding she wanted and feels like even if it costs more then she would like the same for her older sister.
Therein lies one of the problems.
I wish we had all boys

 

[Lucifer MorningStar]

I think she is looking for more than we gave her sister.
Also you have the husbands side of the family to consider.

Her sister arranged 90% herself where I think she would be looking for a lot of contributions from us ( the wife).
Just wondering really what the forums thoughts were.
I do appreciate asking a load of golf mad men their thoughts on weddings many not be the smartest move ever. Maybe the groomsman can all wear long socks.
Off to mumsnet for me

I think that’s where Dad has to be the mean one and set the ground rules and boundaries

Like everyone has said, giving the same amount is what’s fair and proper in this circumstances and unfortunately as parents it’s where we have to draw a line and sometimes disappoint our offspring by remaining firm and reaffirming that we want them to be happy and have what they want within reason but it’s to be done so with fairness across the board.

Good luck

 

[Neilds]

Also, forgot to mention that she will probably want at least 3 different hen parties, at least one will be abroad. Best start selling the family heirlooms

 

[Voyager EMH]

After living together for over 25 years and having paid off the mortgage, my wife and I got married in 2012.

We are within easy walking distance of county hall offices.
We walked down there, got married, walked back.
Seven family members as guests all came back to our house for big cake, tea&coffee and various alcoholic beverages.
A great time was had.

For the licence, registrar fee, food and drink - I think it all came to under £100.
We had a strict rule - No Presents Please !!!
Best wedding I've ever been to

It does make me laugh when I read about how expensive weddings are.
They are only expensive if you choose them to be so.

My advice to all young people,
Use the money for more important things.

 

[irip]

We are all meeting up tonight. The wife the kids and his mum to have a chat.
I know his mum struggles financially but is a lovely normal hard working person I respect a lot.
I don’t expect her to contribute financially so was going to suggest if she buys his suit we will pay the rest up to a certain point.
If it’s anything like any other get together we have then me and him will have a few pints and the girls will sort it out and tell us after what’s happening.
I will update tomorrow quoting each of you so I’m not the bad guy

 

[irip]

After living together for over 25 years and having paid off the mortgage, my wife and I got married in 2012.

We are within easy walking distance of county hall offices.
We walked down there, got married, walked back.
Seven family members as guests all came back to our house for big cake, tea&coffee and various alcoholic beverages.
A great time was had.

For the licence, registrar fee, food and drink - I think it all came to under £100.
We had a strict rule - No Presents Please !!!
Best wedding I've ever been to

It does make me laugh when I read about how expensive weddings are.
They are only expensive if you choose them to be so.

My advice to all young people,
Use the money for more important things.

If I had my way it would be registry office, British Legion then home.
That’s how me and the Mrs done it many prawn vol au vants ago.

We then splashed out and had a week in Blackpool.

Things have changed my friend. Not sure for the better.

 

[Slab]

Hmm maybe you need a strategy for the meet up, you know what they say the best defence and all that…

When you all meet up later get your ‘offer’ in first, & by offer I mean you tell them you’ll pay to hire a marquee for the garden and even cover the cost of the DJ ! and do it with a big beaming genuine smile on your face like its a very generous offer you've made

Then instead of the lucky bride to be opening with her fairytale A wedding 'concept' (which is doubtless lightyears apart from your garden tent idea) your daughters' gonna have to scale down and counter with her fairytale C wedding options instead

There, I’ve just saved you 10grand, you are weclome

 

[irip]

Hmm maybe you need a strategy for the meet up, you know what they say the best defence and all that…

When you all meet up later get your ‘offer’ in first, & by offer I mean you tell them you’ll pay to hire a marquee for the garden and even cover the cost of the DJ ! and do it with a big beaming genuine smile on your face like its a very generous offer you've made

Then instead of the lucky bride to be opening with her fairytale A wedding 'concept' (which is doubtless lightyears apart from your garden tent idea) your daughters' gonna have to scale down and counter with her fairytale C wedding options instead

There, I’ve just saved you 10grand, you are weclome

Or I tell them I got the honeymoon covered and I got a mate in the Maldives.
Job done

 

[irip]

The finances are not the big problem. It’s do I give her more than her sister, even though sister says it’s fine.
Then it’s how his his family would feel if we pay for everything and if they don’t mind how much is everything?
Do we put on a free bar etc?

 

[Neilds]

No right or wrong answers (although a lot might disagree with what you do either way). You have to discuss it with them and make your own mind up - and then come back on here moaning when you are bankrupt