Teenagers

[Crazyface]

Well wooop de doo. Our grandson (14) has just been suspended from school for a week. This has been coming a long time. The school has had his mum and dad in to school soooooooo many times since he started secondary it's ridiculous. Their patience has finally snapped and they've chucked him out for a week. Now I know what you're all probably thinking, and I wouldn't blame you, oh he's a monster, trouble causer. thug, thicko etc. but he's not. Honestly! Well, he does cause mither in the classroom, as it appears he's a bit of a show off. but the other stuff? Definately no. He's very bright, but has turned very lazy. He knows he can scrape by and still get the required grades (C and above without trying). He's a top sports person and want to go into something to do with sports, well he did. We've (Me and grannie) tried everything from talking, shouting, bribing the lot. His parents have done the same. Removing all toys (phones etc) and privileges then handing them back as his behaviour improves. I went wild when I heard, I was already stressed and tanked up on a bottle of wine. I want to go round and knock his block off, sort of like my dad would have done.

All suggestions will be gratefully received. Me and Grannie are very upset.

 

[Slab]

With parents in place I’ve never seen grandparents as the folks who should dish out any kind of discipline (for no other reason than all you’re doing is ‘punishing’ him twice for the same crime)

This’ll just grate against him and he’ll be less likely to pay any attention to what’s being said (but that doesn’t allow for grandparents to discipline at the same time as parents either as that’s just a group punishment session and equally ineffective)

But when it needs handled it’ll all boil down to finding out why he feels he needs to show-off in class really (seeking attention, feels underestimated etc etc) and then deal with that

 

[Snelly]

Looking forward to hearing how the GMF geniuses fix this from afar.

My 13 year old son is pretty much the same and I have tried everything bar what my mother would have done with me which is a decent right hook. Not that that really worked either as I was expelled at 15 anyway.

My view is that you just have to leave them to it and hope there's a catalyst along the way that sparks them into decency. For me, that was when I was 18 and I met an amazing girl; super-intelligent, culturally erudite and very beautiful. She said I had to sort myself out or it was goodbye. I did and have never looked back since.

I hope for the same or similar with my video game obsessed, vain, phone staring, scruffy, slouching, gangsta-talking, narcissistic, self obsessed, aggressive little darling offspring too.

Not much you can do apart from set a good example is my opinion - it has to come from within the individual and is part of growing up.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Look on catch up for anything with Dr Tanya Byron. She is a child psychologist and an absolute genius (don't bother with Super Nanny, she is a pale imitation and not in the same league). On tv she deals with small children but I can guarantee the reasons for his behaviour will be the same, it always is. Most of the time it is attention seeking or a lack of boundaries. You think he is 14 so it is not that. Take a step back and observe. I might be wrong, never met him obviously, but I see it with my kids friends at times. One of her programmes was House of Tiny Tearaways but she has done many others.

There is always a reason, you need to step back and work out what it is. Unfortunately at 14 this behaviour may be ingrained and so re-educating both him and his parents is going to be fun (yup the parents are in on this because somewhere down the line something has slipped. It doesn't make them bad people but they need to discover what is causing the behaviour and change from their aspect as well)

Good luck. The good news is that you are not accepting this as high jinks, you recognise it is a problem.

 

[Khamelion]

If he's a bright young lad perhaps he's not being tasked enough in the class room, hence he gets the work done which he thinks is easy and then larks around causing mischief and disrupting the class room.

Maybe the school should be looing to encourage him by giving him harder more pressing tasks and work to keep him occupied. Maybe encourage him to help mentor others who are struggling.

 

[Papas1982]

If he's a bright young lad perhaps he's not being tasked enough in the class room, hence he gets the work done which he thinks is easy and then larks around causing mischief and disrupting the class room.

Maybe the school should be looing to encourage him by giving him harder more pressing tasks and work to keep him occupied. Maybe encourage him to help mentor others who are struggling.

If he's a bright lad. I'd try and discuss with the school how his lessons go. According to my school reports I was a model student til 14. Then as soon as the school targets your for GCSEs I became a right brat. All my school cared about was getting everyone passed and as I'd sat a few exams early the work load was far to small for me. So I'd have 20 minutes of work then be left to my own devices. As an adult that's fine, you can find stuff to do. But as a kid, even a brighter one you still get bored an look for attention.


Must have spent half my time at home in the last two years as the school said I was disruptive. Happy not to expel me, though that may have been something to do with getting good enough grades. I'm sure if I was expected to fail I'd have been out on my ear.


That's not to say you can't explain to them they have to behave, but schools are about routine imo. And if your routine only takes up a third of your time. What else are you going to do?

 

[virtuocity]

I'd be checking out what they have in terms of nurture provision at the school. Most Local Authorities also have specialist services that do short-term intensive pieces of work with the teachers and pupils. Lastly, the school should really be consulting with an educational psychologist to ascertain what strategies the school can use to support the lad.

So, first port of call is pushing the school to facilitate a multi-agency meeting. Present would be guidance teacher (and if there is a teacher he particularly gets on well with- often PE, from my experience!!!, that member of staff would add value), ED PSYCH, and any local specialist services. If there are nurture/inclusion staff, get them in. If there is a need for CAMHS (not judging or prescribing), then consider a referral via the school or GP.

Educational support is my bugbear when it comes to kids. Firstly- exclusions generally don't work. Teachers admit this- it doesn't tackle the problem and although there is often a 'honeymoon period' after the child returns to school, because support isn't in place, they can't sustain the behaviour.

Sounds to me (and I don't know this kid at all, so say this with caution) that if he was allocated, say, 15 hours of in-class support, that this might make a positive impact.

Important to note that he is at a really tough stage in life. It's really easy for us to wag the finger and do the shouty part, but nowadays kids are under huge pressures. At his age and stage, he is beginning to form his own self-identity and this is confusing as the pressure is on to conform to the networks that he is in (larger society, the school as a whole, his immediate peer group). This can cause a lot of internal conflict. Add in the fact that sexuality and biological development is prominent, it's not easy. That's why, for me, shouting and discipline act only as a sticking plaster to the underlying problem.

So, in summary, locate and use the support available (it's not easy). Although he's a teenager and will most likely mumble rather than talk, when the chances arise, listen to everything he says. You can't change behaviour. You can only support people to make changes that they want to make. Any opportunity to find out exactly what it is he wants is golden- work to support his goals, and you won't go far wrong.

Good luck.

 

[User62651]

Dont worry about it, my cousin had 4 kids, one of which was a terrible waster and real troublemaker through teenage and school years, caused them no end of real grief. However after leaving school with sod all qualifications she matured quickly, crappy job forced a reality check, she got all her A levels and since then 2 degrees and a PHD and is now a high level biochemist in Alzheimers research, happily married too.
Some kids just don't know where they are in their teenage years, hormone driven behaviour and insecurities can manifest themslves in terrible outward behaviour, might just have to go with the flow and ride it out without destroying relationships meantime. Going toe to toe with them probably wont work.

 

[bluewolf]

The kids sounds a bit like me (but I made it to 16 before being kicked out of school). Everyone matures in a different way and needs a different motivation. Mine was seeing my friends get good jobs, hot cars and hotter girlfriends.

 

[williamalex1]

My 2 daughters and my 4 grand children all went through the moody rebel without a cause teenager , banging doors, i know everything stage.
I think most teenagers do, but hopefully without anything serious happening, best of luck .

 

[virtuocity]

the moody rebel without a cause teenager , banging doors, i know everything stage.

So, pretty much you in your current guise then?

 

[PhilTheFragger]

he sounds bored, Im a scout Leader and we have young people who sometimes "do a Kevin" for a few months

we have a chat, ask if anything is wrong, usually get a shoulder shrug and raised eyebrows, but it means that they know that we know that something isnt right

Sounds like he needs a new challenge, something he can focus on, maybe something that requires a bit of discipline

How about you take him round the golf course :thup:

 

[williamalex1]

So, pretty much you in your current guise then?

Yip i know everything:ears: :rofl:

 

[KenL]

Sounds to me that the school is using this as a bit of a wake up call. If he is disrupting the learning of others and their attempts so far have failed to improve things then they have taken this step as an almost last resort.

I would expect that if things don't improve when re-admitted then the school may well look to put him on a hosting at another school.

I agree that some people can have a wee wobbly at this age but the learning of the majority must take precedence.

 

[Hobbit]

Send him down the pit

 

[Bunkermagnet]

Perhaps he needs someting that takes mental and physical discipline such as a martial art? I know quite a few lads who did something like karate and it turned them from potentially lost to switched back on and focused.
It also had the added benefit of givinig them that extra bit of confidence needed for the outside world.

 

[Crazyface]

All advice is welcome coz we haven't got a clue and his mum and dad are at a loss. Please keep and thoughts on the matter coming. We're keeping a distance from it all at the moment (they only live 10 mins walk away) but we will see them at the weekend.

 

[Marshy77]

I'm no expert and my kids are only 10 and 12 so interesting to read peoples views but I'd start with school and ask why they see him as being distruptive, any triggers, does he need moving up/down a set, does he have enough work, is he sat with the wrong group of kids, is it a girl problem, could he be involved more/less with him being an intelligent kid. Suppose you also have to look outside school at his friends (not that you can do much about who they hang round with) but advise on behaviour outside school, what trouble they could potentially get into or could he be involved in other sports activities in and out of school to keep him occupied and also meet other friends.

 

[Crazyface]

I'm no expert and my kids are only 10 and 12 so interesting to read peoples views but I'd start with school and ask why they see him as being distruptive, any triggers, does he need moving up/down a set, does he have enough work, is he sat with the wrong group of kids, is it a girl problem, could he be involved more/less with him being an intelligent kid. Suppose you also have to look outside school at his friends (not that you can do much about who they hang round with) but advise on behaviour outside school, what trouble they could potentially get into or could he be involved in other sports activities in and out of school to keep him occupied and also meet other friends.

He's involved with every school sport going. He like THE best in his year at everything, as was with school work, but he has gradually dropped down and down to now just scraping by. When asked about GSE's he dismisses the question with "I'll get them". Sort of like, they're a doddle.

 

[G.U.R]

Has he changed his peer group?, is there a girl he's trying to impress?. I can't really help, I have three daughters 22 and 17 year old twins so didn't have the testosterone of teenage boys. Maybe look at local sports clubs if he is athletically inclined, Rugby Clubs are usually good on the discipline front.

Best of British sorting it out though.