Preparing for the eventual..

[Mudball]

Been spending the last few days with my mum. The long and short of it is that the reaper will pay the visit at some point. It could be 6 months but hopefully be atleast 6 years. She could live longer if she went for an organ transplant, but having given a low chance of success (due to other medical complications) she is very adamant that she does not need a transplant - rather it be used for someone younger. I have been fairly 'strong' through this.
Last night, i woke up around midnight sweating - reality hit me between the eyes. Over the next few hours (or was it minutes?), i went through all the motions of what I need to do when it all happens. Some silly, some serious.. it was gut wrenching and tearful to say the least. I thought i was prepared, but I am not. The thought of explaining to my son why he cant meet grandma anymore broke the tear dams.

I am sure others have been here before, how did you prepare or not, play by the ear? How did you get any support (while staying strong and supporting the family)

 

[Kellfire]

My dad died five years ago, he had MS. From diagnosis to his death it took six years and that final year went rapidly - he chain smoked because it was all he had left which lead to recurrent bouts of pneumonia because he couldn’t cough strongly enough to clear his lungs. We knew it was a very short matter of time so my brother and I spent more time back in Northern Ireland as it got closer. In the end, he died just two days after he’d been given the “all clear” that he’d survive this particular acute spell, and I found that tough because I wanted to be there for mum at least when it happened. I wasn’t too sad about it really, I saw how miserable he was and how his dignity was being robbed from him as mum had to help him to the loo or to pick him up when he fell. Mum got a phone call at around 5am to get to the hospital NOW and thankfully she got there just in time to say goodbye and hold his hand as he died. I don’t think she could’ve coped as well as she did without that moment. They’d been a couple since they were teenagers and had never known romantic love with anyone but each other.

From that day on, mum was a shadow of her former self. She had fleeting moments of happiness but that’s all they were. She had recently retired and went into her shell completely. She then went down a similar path as my dad and chain smoking soon left her with very little capacity to exercise and she even used what was my dad’s stairlift to go up the stairs as she couldn’t manage it without.

Then she was admitted to hospital last year and didn’t tell either me or my brother until a few days later when she was told she had suspicious lesions on an X-ray as well as pneumonia. She rallied. She got discharged a month later on home oxygen. She wasn’t fit enough to undergo a biopsy of her lung and she also had a suspect lesion on her pancreas. No matter, the doctors told us. If they were cancers, they wouldn’t strike the fatal blow. The pneumonias would get her first.

She was readmitted last August and was unapologetic about the fact she continued to smoke. “It’s all I have, son.”

Conversations with the doctors continued.

“Can we move her to England to be with us for her last months or years?”

“Maybe by ferry when she stabilises but she’ll never be able to fly again. The air on a plane is an infection waiting to happen.”

“How long does she have?”

“Months. Maybe a couple of years if she is compliant with everything we tell her.”

That was the last week of August. I had just visited. My brother visited the bank holiday weekend and flew back the Monday for work. She was stronger than she had been in weeks. She was to be discharged within a week. The next morning she was delirious when they woke her for breakfast. We were called and told to get to Northern Ireland asap. In the 30 minutes it took me to drive from work to home to book a flight, I got a phone call from my brother.

“She’s gone.”

And that was that. I still process it every day. I don’t think I’ve mourned yet but I am painfully sad writing this post. How do you deal with it? God only knows. I take some peace from the fact that she is out of her misery. She was too good a woman to suffer the mental anguish she had from being apart from dad for so long after a life together. It will forever pain me that I wasn’t there with either of them at the moment they died. I’m not even remotely spiritual but I so wanted to be there.

At least once a week something will cut me apart - a memory, a photo, an expression someone says that reminds me of my mum’s dry wit even though she never realised how funny she was at times.

When I spoke at her funeral I made jokes. I told the gatherers that she’d probably rushed herself off this mortal coil before she’d have to witness her biggest fear - a United Ireland.

Everyone laughed. It was a good way to remember her.

 

[Hobbit]

Between now and the inevitable I suggest you fill the time with special memories. We watched on for 6 years, having originally being told she wouldn't see the night out. We have a multitude of memories that we now smile, laugh and amusingly cringe about. They are memories we love to share with people, and include times of laughter when they originally occurred.

We played to her strengths and brought the very best out in her. She loved it, as did we. Nothing within the bounds of decency was off limits. And a byproduct of it, though not intentioned, was the odd discussion about the inevitable. It was planned around laughter and also the future beyond that horrible day. She loved to hear of our plans with the inheritance, often starting the conversation herself with "what are you going to do with my money?"

I miss her sideways glance as she gently took the pee with with a twinkle in her eyes, and I do so with a huge grin. Sorely missed but wow, what a fun lady.

I wish you long and very happy times. Have a blast!

 

[anotherdouble]

Having been through this with my dad last year but suddenly. I am having counselling as hit hit me squarely between the eyes and I am still struggling. On a very practical level make sure your mums affairs are sown up. It really makes things easier to deal with when the time comes, at a time when you are far from your best mentally. This includes making a will, condense bank accounts, be aware of any policies, shares, premium bonds etc. Hopefully you have many years to get this sorted. If I can be on any help please ask.

 

[Mudball]

Thanks guys.. I know there is a school which says that Real Men don’t cry, but I think such don’t apply here.

Bizarrely last night in my head I put parts of my speech together and I must say that I planned to say things that I have never said to her in person .. of how grateful we are. Of some of the punch lines like how my Dad says that she never went to college herself but in her lifetime she oversaw 3 PhDs and 2 Masters in the household blah blah..

this morning I gave her a hug and she nearly jumped.. if only I could say it..

 

[Deleted member 18121]

My parents are now late 70s and have started falling over and breaking things.... I too have come to the realisation in the last year or so that they aren't invincible and that time is now short. It chokes me up even thinking about them not being around .

All I can suggest is exactly what hobbit said, fill your time with making new memories and enjoying them... Whilst also keeping your eye on the practical stuff, it'll help in making it more manageable.

Good luck fella.

 

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

So sorry to hear about your mum - it’s terribly difficult to come to terms with the thought of her not being about - and then when she’s not. My mum passed away about three years ago and I miss her so much. Dad had gone back in 2003. So many times during our trip down under at the moment I’ve thought ‘must tell mum about this - she’ll be so interested’..and then I’ve realised.

The best bit of advice I got before mum went was that I should tell her that you love her - that your are proud to be her son. I did this quite regularly over the year or so following her diagnosis. I am so glad I did as these things that are easy to say when your loved ones are about that you’d wish you had if you don’t.

Real men say ‘I love you mum’ and let tears run free. God bless; take care, love your mum - and tell her 👍

 

[SocketRocket]

The important thing is that she will know how much you all love her.

This is a poem I read at my Mothers funeral:


The life that I have

Is all that I have

And the life that I have

Is yours



The love that I have

Of the life that I have

Is yours and yours and yours.



A sleep I shall have

A rest I shall have

Yet death will be but a pause

For the peace of my years

In the long green grass

Will be yours and yours and yours.

 

[HomerJSimpson]

Lost both parents to cancer. Dad was diagnosed and gone within 15 months so fairly quick and my mum got him into a hospice for the last few days and managed to be with him at the end. One of his brothers got stuck on the M1 (bank holiday Monday) and missed his passing by 30-40 minutes. Mum's decline was slower, more painful to the point where we had a bed downstairs, help for her three times a day, she had no control of her bodily fluids and was on liquids. Again we got her into the same hospice and I was able to be there at the end.

For me the fact I was there both times was a great comfort and while my mum and I in particular had a major falling out for a few years I am so grateful I had the chance while she was still well to fully reconcile and that at the end I had the time to say everything I wanted to say for her. I was really close to my dad and again grateful I could say all my goodbyes properly. Miss both of them even after a good number of years

 

[backwoodsman]

I'm an insular, somewhat selfish, b'stard and so didn't have an especially close relationship to my dad. Which means that l never got round to telling him that l loved him before he went - which l sincerely regret. If only my idiot brother had shifted his arse a bit quicker when we got the "come quick - now!" call. We missed his passing by minutes... (But that's not fair - l'd already had 49 years & 364 days to get round to it). That l did was something l only truly realised after l did the eulogy at his funeral. Which by any standards, is too late.

Which goes to say, make the most of whatever time is left. Make sure your Ma knows what she means to you. Share what time & memories you can. 6 months or 6 years, it is never too early to start. The inevitable will come, and it will be a kick in the nuts when it does, but good memories will never fade.

 

[Tashyboy]

IT seems strange reading this topic and feeling fellow forumers pains and stories, yet not wanting to push like buttons. Thoughts with you all.

 

[williamalex1]

It's the circle of life, we all have to go sometime. HID and I have already set out our wishes for when we die, even some of our favourite songs to be played .
I had a tear in my eye recently when i heard the old Foster and Allen song, A Mothers Loves a Blessing.
Remember the good times but prepare for the bad.

 

[jim8flog]

When my wife died I was fully prepared for it and had been for years but it stiil hit me for quite some time.

I tried very hard to prepare my children for it but was not really successful with daughter who still seems to blame herself for some reason as she says she had not realised just how bad her condition had become.

The only times a death in the family has really hit me hard was one of my aunts (I was only a teenager and her death was quite sudden) and my Dad who died unexpectedly from a heart attack.

When my mum died I just saw it as rejoining with Dad in heaven, which was her belief.