Mobile phone jokes you get sent...

[The_Squire]

Police in Merseyside have arrested 3 of 4 well known scouse islamic terrorists. Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin and Bin Thievin, there was no sign of Bin Workin.




A young Iraqi lad signs a pro contract at Everton FC. He scores a hatrick on his debut and gets carried off shoulder high. He rings home all excited to tell his mum the good news and asks how the family are.

''How are we?'' she says ''The house has been bombed, your dad's been shot, your sister raped, the car's been burnt to a crisp and I was robbed at gunpoint.............

Why the hell did you bring us to Liverpool you little ........?





I got myself one of those 'Anti Bullying' wristbands today................ I nicked it of a four eyed fat ginger kid.

 

[Golfmmad]

Woman in Asda notices a young assistant. He has such a cute arse it makes her randy! She asks him to carry her shopping to her car.
On the way, she can't hold back any more and says. "I've got an itchypussy". He says, "You'll have to point it out love, all these f...ing Japanese cars look the same to me!"

Golfmmad.

 

[viscount17]

I have a new chat-up line that works every time no matter how gorgeous or out of my league they are:

'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

 

[viscount17]

Inner peace.

I am passing on this information because it worked for me. I have found inner peace.

The way to achieve inner peace is to not leave things unfinished. So I looked around the house and saw all those things that I had left undone. So I finished them.

I finished the whisky, the vodka, the rum, the four bottles of wine, the ice cream, the crisps and the vallium.

You have no idea how peaceful I'm feeling right now.

Try it, and if it works for you pass it on to anyone you know who needs a little peace.

 

[drawboy]

A little Japanese fella goes up to a band in a pub, he sez to the bass guitarist, prey a jazz chord for me, the guy goes er!ok, and strums dumde dum. No sez the Japanese guy prese prey a jazz chord for me. The band member goes dumde dum again. Stupid irriot you prey a jazz chord for me now, sez the Japanese guy again. Once more the band guy goes Dumde dum. Orr you no understand, I want you to prey- A jazz chord, to say I ruv you.

 

[Farneyman]

A valentine poem that never fails to work...

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Get in the van
Ive got a f*#king knife

 

[vig]

They say that (insert minotity or gender of your choice) are not very bright.
Strange, cos the one that's on fire in my garden is given off plenty of light