Mobile phone jokes you get sent...

[Losttheplot]

You know people sometimes send you jokes via a text message, well I tend to get quite a few.....
So what are the ones you get??
(nothing inappropriate or offensive please)


Here's one I got a few weeks ago that I still have a chukle at...

"Since my wife went senile, all she does is stare through the window. If it gets any colder I might have to let her in!!"

 

[Sneds]

Me and the missus are breaking up, she says I spend too much time watching football. I'm devastated - we've been together 6 seasons.

(I sent this out to a few friends and family. Got my old man ringing to see if I was okay and three text messages asking if it was a joke or not... ) x

 

[Screwback]

(nothing inappropriate or offensive please)

Unfortunately that rules all mine out...

Apart from

The police were appealing for witnesses last night after a woman was put in hospital after being attcked by her Dyson...

Apparently shes critical but picking up nicely

I'll Get my coat

 

[Losttheplot]

I've just checked my phone and actually have very few that won't offend someone out there so this might be a small list of jokes from everyone...

Just dumped my cross eyed girlfriend, aparently she was seeing someone else.

 

[john0]

Not a joke, but a puzzle I got sent the other day....

I am seven letters long - 1234567. The letters 123 is a vehicle. The letters 2345 was a pop group. The letters 456 is a piece of luggage. The letters 567 changes every year. What am I?

And before you ask, NO there is not a prize for first correct answer!!

 

[Golfman]

None of mine are suitable at all. Far too rude or politically incorrect.

 

[tincup]

I am seven letters long - 1234567. The letters 123 is a vehicle. The letters 2345 was a pop group. The letters 456 is a piece of luggage. The letters 567 changes every year. What am I?

Cabbage

 

[Sneds]

Not a joke, but a puzzle I got sent the other day....

I am seven letters long - 1234567. The letters 123 is a vehicle. The letters 2345 was a pop group. The letters 456 is a piece of luggage. The letters 567 changes every year. What am I?

And before you ask, NO there is not a prize for first correct answer!!

Cabbage! Woo no google help either x

EDIT: 3 minutes late it would seem!! x

 

[john0]

Cabbage it is, well done

 

[pokerjoke]

Peter invites his mum for tea.She notices his flat mate Joe is very handsome and slightly camp and although shes suspected Peters gay he denies that anything on and says that they are only flat mates.A week later Joe says to peter ,"ever since your mum came tea i cant find the frying pan."Peter emails his mum and says," im not saying you took the frying pan and im not saying you didnt take the frying pan but its been missing ever since you came for tea,love Peter.H is mum replies "Dear son im not saying you do sleep with JOE and im not saying you dont sleep with Joe but if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the frying pan by now love mum.

 

[drawboy]

My missus is currently in hospital. She mistook an onion for a daffodil bulb and ate it in a sandwich, she should be out in the spring.

 

[Owen_Thomas_14]

Ive no friends to text me

 

[Smiffy]

I went to the doctors the other day with sore testicles, as the doctor is checking them he says "Don't be concerned, it's quite normal to get an erection while I'm doing this"

"But I haven't got an erection!" I said.

The Doctor smiled and said "No, but I have"

 

[drawboy]

Got the doc out to look at our lass, she wasn't feeling well. He came went upstairs and gave her the once over. When he reappeared he said I have to tell you Drawboy that your missus has acute angina, I replied I know, her boobs aren't bad either doc.

 

[AuburnWarrior]

Wayne Rooney told Colleen that John Terry has slept with every England player's wife apart from one.

Colleen said "yeah, I bet it's Posh Spice, the stuck up cow!!"

 

[AuburnWarrior]

If Mothers celebrate Mother's Day and Fathers celebrate Father's Day and lovers celebrate Valentine's Day, do w@@kers celebrate palm Sunday??

I thought one of you lot would be best placed to answer....

 

[AuburnWarrior]

Chaos reigns at the Winter Olympics. After the death in the luge, the Irish bobsleigh team are refusing to compete until the course is gritted!!

 

[drawboy]

A Polish man went for an eye test. The optician said hold a hand over your left eye and read the bottom line, the polish guy goes "hey I know him!"

 

[big_russ]

INTERNET WARNING!!!

If you receive an email with the title:

"Nude photo of Susan Boyle"

don't open it as it really is a nude photo of Susan Boyle.

 

[Farneyman]

Ive booked a Chinese Journey tribute band to sing at my funeral - all together now "dont stop bereaving"