Friday Fun. It's a joke - honest!

[19th]

THE SCOT

Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar. The first one said he was going over to annoy him. So, he walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."

"Oh aye really? Hmm! I didna know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his mates. "I told him his St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"

"Oh, jings! I didnae know that. Thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He is unshakeable!"

The third Englishman said "No, no, no! I will really fix him. You Just watch."

The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"







"Aye! So yer mates were sayin'!"

 

[chrisd]

So lets get this right 19th.

A few days after the new equality law comes out you

Tell a racist joke
Upset the gay community
Upset the transgender community

Mmmmmmmmm I wonder how much that's going to be worth??

Best you put those new clubs on hold for now


Chris

 

[Paul_Stewart]

And a comment like that pretty much sums up what a crock of **** the law was in the first place. Keep up coming 19th!

 

[robbest3offthetee]

Sorry,but being a welshman,i love it...

 

[chrisd]

And a comment like that pretty much sums up what a crock of **** the law was in the first place. Keep up coming 19th!

I had hoped that my comment highlighted that Paul, perhaps it wasn't written with enough irony!

What is worse and completely crazy is that you could read it to your workmate and he could sue the boss


Chris

 

[19th]

Hi Chris, is this OK?

If Admiral Nelson and Hardy were going into battle …. Today!


Nelson: Order the signal, Hardy.

Hardy: Aye, aye sir.

Nelson: Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags, what’s the meaning of this?

Hardy: Sorry sir?

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability”. What gobbledegook is this?

Hardy: Admiralty policy, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting “ England ” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

Nelson: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

Hardy: Sorry sir. All naval vessels are now smoke-free.

Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us spice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.

Hardy; The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the government’s policy on binge drinking.

Nelson: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it …. full speed ahead.

Hardy: I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.

Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.

Hardy: That won’t be possible, sir.

Nelson: What!

Hardy: Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

Nelson: Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.

Hardy: He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.

Nelson: Wheelchair access?

Hardy: Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

Nelson: Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.

Hardy: Actually, sir you are now part of our quota for visual impairment and limb deficiency.

Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

Hardy: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?

Nelson: I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

Nelson: What? This is mutiny!

Hardy: It’s not that, sir. Gun laws. Apparently if the enemy shoot at us we have to file an official complaint at the nearest police station but must on no account resort to violence or the whole crew could be arrested. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and those hairy Spaniards?

Hardy: I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you calling them that sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your inflatable jacket: it’s the rules when we're on deck.

Nelson: Don ’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.

Nelson: What about sodomy?

Hardy: Legal and even encouraged, sir.

Nelson: In that case …. Kiss me, Hardy.

 

[chrisd]

Loved it 19th......... just loved it

I liked the first one as well but dont tell anyone!!


Chris

 

[drawboy]

Sorry,but being a welshman,i love it...

welshman eh! in that case...what do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Cardiff? a leisure center. No offence intended under any equality act, honest

 

[robbest3offthetee]

only a leisure centre if you have your wellies...

 

[evahakool]

That last line 19th first time ive laughed at a computer screen.

 

[rickg]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do, and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today..." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven, years ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go too". Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy . You can also go". Johnny was BOILING MAD by this time that Nancy had answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back to the class, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher spun round and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW…………?"

 

[drawboy]

I had just finished my tea the other night when my missus said Do you want any ice cream? I said how hard is it? she replied As hard as your todger when you glimpse me naked in the shower. Oh go on then I said Pour me some out.

 

[Smiffy]

I came home from work the other evening, as I walked in the Missus said "do you notice anything different about me?"
"Err...you've had your hair done" I replied.
"No" she said in a stroppy voice.
"Err..you've got a new dress on" I suggested.
"No" she replied, getting a bit angry.
"Err...you're wearing new perfume?" I proffered.
"No you bastard" she shouted.
"Ok love, I give up. What is it?" I said.
"I'm wearing a gasmask" she wailed.

 

[RGDave]

A young policeman pulls over a fit girl in a Mercedes convertible. He 'phones into the station to double-check the procedure and his sergeant asks if it's a W-reg in blue with bling headlamps. "Yes", the lad replies. Ask her if she works down on the sea-front at the club. "Yes", the lad replies.

So the sergeant advises the lad to walk back to the car with his **** out. As the lad approaches the car, the girl asks....









"oh no, is this another breath test?"