Edinburgh Fringe 2016 - best jokes

[User62651]

Some of the best jokes from this years fringe - some good ones in there

Top 15-

1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart"
2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…"
3. "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10"
4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit"
5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second"
6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated"
7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words"
8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor"
9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?"
10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask"
11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first"
12. "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound"
13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer"
14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses"
15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word"

Others -

1. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to a private school and have loads of money?”
2. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.”
3. "I don’t run ever – even when I was a kid at school in PE, cross country for me was literally a walk in the park.”
4. “It’s tough being ginger. But I know there are far more important social justice movements and next to them we are pale by comparison.”
5. “I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning ‘Are we THEN yet?’
6. “My motto in life is always give 100%. Which makes blood donation quite tricky.”
7. “I was the prettiest, cleverest girl in my class. I was homeschooled.”
8. “To give you an idea of the way my dad thinks, we were watching a documentary about Arthur Shawcross, a serial killer who got sentences to over 400 years in prison. He turned to me and said: ‘These days he’ll do half of that’.”
9. “Before I started on my food journey I wasn’t healthy at all. I never thought about what I was putting in my body. Which is why I got chlamydia.”
10. “I saw an article which said 16 year olds in Britain drink twice as much as they did 10 years ago. Of course they do, they were only 6 at the time.”

 

[Rooter]

If they are the best ones, i dread to think what the worst ones were like! Sound like something my 8 year old would read from the back of a penguin wrapper!!

 

[Slab]

Read it earlier and unfortunately the standards not as good as previous years

 

[User62651]

Tsssk.....Sometimes I wonder why I bother.....fun police alert!

 

[patricks148]

We didn't bother going this year, gone way down hill and all the well known shows are sold out way before, so little chance of just turning up now.

Seen some truly terrible stuff, the last couple of years

 

[User62651]

We didn't bother going this year, gone way down hill and all the well known shows are sold out way before, so little chance of just turning up now.

Seen some truly terrible stuff, the last couple of years

FFS... another! Boooo!

I thought the chlamidyia one was not bad and the Henry Tudor one.

All ye naysayers, if they're so bad give us a better one then!!:whoo:

 

[Lord Tyrion]

They made me laugh, then again I love Tim Vine and his style of jokes so one liners like these appeal to me.

 

[chrisd]

They made me laugh, then again I love Tim Vine and his style of jokes so one liners like these appeal to me.

Milton Jones was the funniest comedian I've seen in recent years - just crackers!

I likes the schizophrenia one

 

[Dan2501]

One-liners do nothing for me. I'd much rather listen to a well-crafted 3/4/5 minute or more bit where a subject really gets explored than some quick one liner or a pun.

 

[garyinderry]

"'are we then yet''

:rofl:

 

[Pathetic Shark]

"What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino."

OK if you're not into American sports, you wouldn't get that one but it still makes me laugh.

 

[User62651]

"What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino."

OK if you're not into American sports, you wouldn't get that one but it still makes me laugh.

 

[irip]

Milton Jones was the funniest comedian I've seen in recent years - just crackers!

I likes the schizophrenia one

I read that one and we both laughed

 

[PhilTheFragger]

still cant beat the one from (I Think) Tim Vine from a couple of years ago

" Crime in Multi Storey Carparks-- Its wrong on so many different levels"

Chortle

 

[Deleted member 15344]

still cant beat the one from (I Think) Tim Vine from a couple of years ago

" Crime in Multi Storey Carparks-- Its wrong on so many different levels"

Chortle

"I've decided to sell my Hoover ................ Well it was just collecting dust"




I've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what - never again




I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.”



I think he is brilliant

 

[Tarkus1212]

"I've decided to sell my Hoover ................ Well it was just collecting dust"




I've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what - never again




I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.”



I think he is brilliant

He certainly got all of the talent in that family

 

[Tashyboy]

Tougher most of them were Rammel this morning when I read them, but the Liverpool one cracked me up.

 

[HomerJSimpson]

One-liners do nothing for me. I'd much rather listen to a well-crafted 3/4/5 minute or more bit where a subject really gets explored than some quick one liner or a pun.

I agree. I love going to see someone like Billy Connolly or Peter Kay where they can go off topic for what seems ages and then suddenly come back on point as if nothing had happend

 

[masterosouffle]

I agree. I love going to see someone like Billy Connolly or Peter Kay where they can go off topic for what seems ages and then suddenly come back on point as if nothing had happend

Eddie Izzard is the master of this

 

[londonlewis]

"What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino."

OK if you're not into American sports, you wouldn't get that one but it still makes me laugh.

Don't worry I got it. Maybe you should worry, it's not funny.