Dementia Awareness

[clubchamp98]

And few years ago me mum had to cancel an holiday because she had gall stones which meant Gall bladder removal. Muggins had to sort it all out. Anyway since then they have declared everything as far as I am aware. Her holiday insurance last year was £2500. Not got a clue how much this year is as I told her she/ they should not travel abroad. My auntie told me 2 weeks ago she enquired about a cruise to the Caribbean over Christmas and new year but the insurance want £2500 to increase European cover to cruise cover worldwide. She wouldn’t pay that so she has booked Benidorm.
The dementia support worker called me. Me mum had talked to her and basically told her a crock of crap. And basically lies. I told the dementia worker the truth. She commented that “ part of what me mum said didn’t ring true and furthermore me mum had told the worker some things that she couldn’t tell me under patient confidentiality”. She wanted to but she would not break that trust. Which although I totally understood. I was also bloody livid. It was the straw that broke the camels back.
Me and Missis T was in Oldham last weds seeing a couple of Aunties. One who was over from Australia.
( went back yesterday). It was a bit painful Listening to them when they was on about me mum. My dad they never said a word about. The sad thing is I couldn’t defend her. To give you an idea of what she is like.
We were in the Lake District with me mum and dad. We had taken them away again me and Missis T. Me mum said “ eee our Andrew Ave told you you wasn’t planned” ( which I have always known, me and missis T laugh that neither of us were planned pregnancies yet we are together). She then said “ but you never knew I tried getting rid of you with quinine and Mystic menstroids, it’s a good job they didn’t work as there’s only you and Missis T that takes us away out of my four kids”. I laughed at the time. But as time goes on I think why the bloody hell would you say something like that.
Me and my younger brother have said we will still go round to keep an eye on my dad but she is way down the list now.

Jeez Tash your mum sounds like a real piece of work. ( sorry)

Not making your life any easier

 

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

I’ll ask this question on this discussion as it is dementia related…though not on the illness or care aspects.

Has anyone got any experience of going to the Court of Protection for guidance and/or decisions on matters relating to someone who has dementia or who has, what can only best be described as, at times diminished mental acuity and memory retention.

A conversation I have had with the Office of the Public Guardian about my MiL capacity to discharge her responsibilities in respect of a couple of important family matters had them direct me to the CoP - but I am wary about what we might be getting into.

My wife has ‘full’ LPA for my MiL, but what needs doing is out of her remit unless my MiL so directs, which she is not really able to do.

 

[RichA]

No experience of it but I looked into it quite a bit when we felt BiL was trying to make financial decisions that went against the Mental Capacity Act rules.
His FiL is a retired civil law solicitor and BiL eventually gave up on his plans because the guy advised him that the CoP wouldn't allow it if they sought permission. They apparently are, as you would hope, real sticklers for protecting the rights and best interests of the donor.
It's worth getting yourself very familiar with the act and its guidelines.

 

[Robster59]

My missus got Power of Attorney for her Dad when he was going into dementia, and my brother and I had it for my Mum.
The Alzheimer's Society gives some advice here.
Lasting power of attorney for people with dementia

 

[SwingsitlikeHogan]

My missus got Power of Attorney for her Dad when he was going into dementia, and my brother and I had it for my Mum.
The Alzheimer's Society gives some advice here.
Lasting power of attorney for people with dementia

She has Lasting Power of Attorney for her mum, but it unfortunately as far as I understand things, it doesn’t give her the right to make decisions in respect of trusts that my MiL has in place; nor does it enable her to automatically be a substitute for her mum as the legal next of kin dealing with my deceased BiL’s estate. My BiL stated my wife as his next of kin when he went into hospital…but that does not supersede the legal position in respect of any application for a Grant of Letters of Administration (BiL dying intestate).

We’ll speak to my MiL’s solicitor. I think my wife will have to go down the CoP route no matter what to get Grant of LoA…but a solicitor might know better.

I’ll also look into what The Alzheimers Society might suggest on your link..

 

[Robster59]

Another sportsman affected
Rugby league legend Schofield reveals brain damage
Anyone who has seen the effects of dementia must be terrified about knowing it's coming to them.

 

[Tashyboy]

Cannot believe it’s been a year since the last post. Anyway me dad is going from worse to worse. His physical health is nigh on gone. Sad to see a once alpha male reduced to a shadow of himself. He has now started wetting himself in bed. So now we are going down the waterproof sheets in bed, tena pants etc. me Mum is now struggling. She was very emotional earlier today.
So Monday I have a phone call planned with the dementia link nurse as Mum now needs help. She will say not but it’s a must.

 

[clubchamp98]

Cannot believe it’s been a year since the last post. Anyway me dad is going from worse to worse. His physical health is nigh on gone. Sad to see a once alpha male reduced to a shadow of himself. He has now started wetting himself in bed. So now we are going down the waterproof sheets in bed, tena pants etc. me Mum is now struggling. She was very emotional earlier today.
So Monday I have a phone call planned with the dementia link nurse as Mum now needs help. She will say not but it’s a must.

Feel for you Tash.
Another proud man who needs permanent care.
Sad but a familiar story.


What you need to watch is your mum.
If you get a home visit in the future.
She will say “ no” to help she really needs but they will take her answers as she is next of kin.
That’s what my dad did when mum was bad, could have killed him myself.

 

[Lucifer MorningStar]

Feel for you Tash.
Another proud man who needs permanent care.
Sad but a familiar story.


What you need to watch is your mum.
If you get a home visit in the future.
She will say “ no” to help she really needs but they will take her answers as she is next of kin.
That’s what my dad did when mum was bad, could have killed him myself.

I absolutely second this advice. We had to make sure we were there for the home visit as my mum was telling them she didn’t need help and could do it all for my dad. She didn’t like us overruling her and effectively making her tell the truth , but in the long run she appreciated it and it made life better for both of them in different ways.

 

[Tashyboy]

I absolutely second this advice. We had to make sure we were there for the home visit as my mum was telling them she didn’t need help and could do it all for my dad. She didn’t like us overruling her and effectively making her tell the truth , but in the long run she appreciated it and it made life better for both of them in different ways.

It’s odd but me and Missis T had the same conversation last night. We both think that both my mum and dad will say “we are ok”. Me Mum was upset on the phone yesterday. Basically the penny has dropped re me dads condition. Both me and Missis T has been telling her what to expect re me dad’s dementia. Both from having seen it when Missis Ts father passed away with it. But the experience Missis T had gained as a nurse.
My mum said “ don’t get on at me when you come round”. The problem is, me mum has a good idea and sticks with it and you cannot advice her. She told me yesterday that she is putting bin liners under his bed sheets. I have told her there is proper bed and chair liners. After the poppy count yesterday I called into ASDA and fetched her some and some proper Mens Tena pants. The ones from Aldi she has put an”F” on the front so she knows which way they go.
My mother is stubborn and hates being wrong. I told her in March if she books another holiday abroad I am not going round to see her again. Apart from being robbed in Benidorm, apart from nearly missing plane on another holiday, apart from not getting me dads water infection sorted on a cruise when he has Luekemia, etc etc . They have been ok.
Around May I had to take him to the drs as his back is agony. It hurts because he fell over a suitcase when they were being loaded into the taxi to take them to the airport. It since transpires he was in agony for 2 weeks. I found out when he told the dr. I was bloody livid.
Me mum asked me the week before I took him to the drs to change my mind. I was adamant I wouldn’t, it was me or holidays. I tried explaining that what happens to dad if anything happens to her on holiday. She said “ insurance would look after him”. I had taken her out for a meal and when I got home I spoke to my brother who is a great help. He said “ do you know mum fell over on the garden today and couldn’t get up”. I was bloody livid. My mother is very cute at what she wants to tell me. She has given my dad a bollocking for letting out things that have happened and she has said” I told you not to say anything”. Completely forgetting that with dementia he will actually forget he has been told
Up until yesterday I have been quite chilled about everything and took it in my stride. But I knew I was getting stressed. I took grandkids to the poppy count and Layla Tash nudged the table which had £200 counted on it, the money spilled onto uncounted money and I nearly blew my top. I never said a word but inside I was seething. I calmed down after half an hour but it was a stupid straw that nearly broke a camels back. I thought mum, dad, me needs help now.
Getting some stuff off me chest before am out in 20 mins taking down Poppy, soldier silhouettes.
Thanks for the advice guys.

 

[Lord Tyrion]

Tough times for you @Tashyboy I'm not sure if having been through it before is helpful or depressing. On balance, it's helpful because you know the key things to do to manage. However, you also know what's coming and it isn't great.

The partners attitude, your mum's in this case, seems to be so common, my FiL was exactly the same, but is utterly bizarre to everyone watching on. That's often the toughest part , dealing with the defensive parent.

Keep yourself well

 

[clubchamp98]

It’s odd but me and Missis T had the same conversation last night. We both think that both my mum and dad will say “we are ok”. Me Mum was upset on the phone yesterday. Basically the penny has dropped re me dads condition. Both me and Missis T has been telling her what to expect re me dad’s dementia. Both from having seen it when Missis Ts father passed away with it. But the experience Missis T had gained as a nurse.
My mum said “ don’t get on at me when you come round”. The problem is, me mum has a good idea and sticks with it and you cannot advice her. She told me yesterday that she is putting bin liners under his bed sheets. I have told her there is proper bed and chair liners. After the poppy count yesterday I called into ASDA and fetched her some and some proper Mens Tena pants. The ones from Aldi she has put an”F” on the front so she knows which way they go.
My mother is stubborn and hates being wrong. I told her in March if she books another holiday abroad I am not going round to see her again. Apart from being robbed in Benidorm, apart from nearly missing plane on another holiday, apart from not getting me dads water infection sorted on a cruise when he has Luekemia, etc etc . They have been ok.
Around May I had to take him to the drs as his back is agony. It hurts because he fell over a suitcase when they were being loaded into the taxi to take them to the airport. It since transpires he was in agony for 2 weeks. I found out when he told the dr. I was bloody livid.
Me mum asked me the week before I took him to the drs to change my mind. I was adamant I wouldn’t, it was me or holidays. I tried explaining that what happens to dad if anything happens to her on holiday. She said “ insurance would look after him”. I had taken her out for a meal and when I got home I spoke to my brother who is a great help. He said “ do you know mum fell over on the garden today and couldn’t get up”. I was bloody livid. My mother is very cute at what she wants to tell me. She has given my dad a bollocking for letting out things that have happened and she has said” I told you not to say anything”. Completely forgetting that with dementia he will actually forget he has been told
Up until yesterday I have been quite chilled about everything and took it in my stride. But I knew I was getting stressed. I took grandkids to the poppy count and Layla Tash nudged the table which had £200 counted on it, the money spilled onto uncounted money and I nearly blew my top. I never said a word but inside I was seething. I calmed down after half an hour but it was a stupid straw that nearly broke a camels back. I thought mum, dad, me needs help now.
Getting some stuff off me chest before am out in 20 mins taking down Poppy, soldier silhouettes.
Thanks for the advice guys.

Sounds like it’s you who is going to need help as well as your mum.
This can really get on top of you quickly.

Just be careful with your own health and well-being .
The stress of dealing with my mum put my dad in hospital,

Awful situation to be in and think LT has a point you know what’s coming that might help or hinder.

 

[Tashyboy]

Tough times for you @Tashyboy I'm not sure if having been through it before is helpful or depressing. On balance, it's helpful because you know the key things to do to manage. However, you also know what's coming and it isn't great.

The partners attitude, your mum's in this case, seems to be so common, my FiL was exactly the same, but is utterly bizarre to everyone watching on. That's often the toughest part , dealing with the defensive parent.

Keep yourself well

So i took the silhouettes down this morning and had a natter to bro in law about me dad. Suffice to say, he has spoken to Missis Ts sister who has sent a message saying if there anything we need re kids being picked up etc. ring. It’s the little things that help.

 

[irip]

Horrible situation for you Tashy.
All you can do is get advice and do what you think is right.
Make sure you look after yourself first though or you won’t be able to help anyone else.
If you ever feel like venting,crying moaning or whatever this is a safe place for you mate. You might even get some good advice and no one here will ridicule you.

Unless you post anymore Budgie Smuggler and Croc pics that is

 

[Tashyboy]

Horrible situation for you Tashy.
All you can do is get advice and do what you think is right.
Make sure you look after yourself first though or you won’t be able to help anyone else.
If you ever feel like venting,crying moaning or whatever this is a safe place for you mate. You might even get some good advice and no one here will ridicule you.

Unless you post anymore Budgie Smuggler and Croc pics that is

Not even when having a swing analysis

 

[irip]

Not even when having a swing analysis

I especially don’t want pics of you in that attire while you are swinging.
That’s no sleep for me tonight now.

 

[clubchamp98]

Not even when having a swing analysis

I very dare you.!

 

[Sid Rixon IV]

Feel for you Tash.
Another proud man who needs permanent care.
Sad but a familiar story.


What you need to watch is your mum.
If you get a home visit in the future.
She will say “ no” to help she really needs but they will take her answers as she is next of kin.
That’s what my dad did when mum was bad, could have killed him myself.

I was present when my Mum got a home assessment. Two ladies engaged her in a conversational rather than questioning style. They asked if she got many visitors and she said "I never see anyone".
I interjected "Did we not come last week (as we did every weekend) and take you out for the day down to the coast? (I lived 48 miles away).
I was upset.
She shrugged.
(My cousin and neighbours were constant callers and kept me updated.)
On the way out they turned to me, unprompted, and said "Don't fret, we hear that a lot. We can tell when our strings are being tugged.

 

[clubchamp98]

I was present when my Mum got a home assessment. Two ladies engaged her in a conversational rather than questioning style. They asked if she got many visitors and she said "I never see anyone".
I interjected "Did we not come last week (as we did every weekend) and take you out for the day down to the coast? (I lived 48 miles away).
I was upset.
She shrugged.
(My cousin and neighbours were constant callers and kept me updated.)
On the way out they turned to me, unprompted, and said "Don't fret, we hear that a lot. We can tell when our strings are being tugged.

Yes so were my brother and sister with me
but the problem we had was my dad was not the patient mum was and he had the last word.

The social worker apologised to us and said “ I have to take his wishes into account”
He refused to have carers in to help wash and dress her.
It caused a lot of trouble between us and my dad.
He thought he was doing a good job.
In reality it was a disaster.

 

[Robster59]

Yes so were my brother and sister with me
but the problem we had was my dad was not the patient mum was and he had the last word.

The social worker apologised to us and said “ I have to take his wishes into account”
He refused to have carers in to help wash and dress her.
It caused a lot of trouble between us and my dad.
He thought he was doing a good job.
In reality it was a disaster.

I had this with my Mum. My Mum would say she didn't want to have people in the house. Except it was my brother who was the carer and he would roll over to whatever the carers would say, and say its not what my Mum wants. At that stage my Mum didn't want anything to change and didn't understand the mental and physical strain it was having on my brother. A
In the end, I rang her boss and questioned the social workers qualifications. It turned out she had no experience of this area. I said that I am recording all emails, conversations, etc. with a list of my concerns and their responses, and in the event that anything happened to my Mum and they had done nothing despite me expressing my concerns, all this would be produced to show that they had ignored the warnings. Within a week my Mum went from 2 to 4 visits a day.
Sometimes you have to be tough as they will always choose the point of least resistance and expect the family to look after them when plainly they couldn't.
Sometimes you have to be firm and stand your stand. As the phrase goes "speak softly and carry a big stick".